Friday, December 30, 2011

Last Post of the YEAR. BOOM!

This post is super short. Mostly because its a half-assed sorry excuse for a week, and I resent having to be conscious for it. Oh and the blogger layout is all different, which is very confusing to me. And speaking of, gmail, twitter, and facebook have all changed recently. Honestly, I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find the "send" button on a social media site. I thought young people were supposed to adapt to these changes quickly but I guess by "young people" they mean "five year olds." ANYHOO, on this lovely ranty note, I want to say...

I drew this for you.

Seriously. I hope everyone has a great time this weekend even though you probably won't have more fun than Boyfriend and I because we're going to Seaside Town and we're probably going to watch movies and do jigsaw puzzles and drink a lot. Follow me on twitter if you want live drunken updates. 

Okay everyone! Time to pack and whatnot and work on my WORLD'S BEST GIRLFRIEND resolution. See you next year!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas Allie

Anyway, I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas (if that's your cup o' tea). And I'm not the only one who wants to wish you Happy Holidays:

Allie's Christmas Wish: TO BE FAMOUS! But I'd settle for a kiss under the mistletoe...

Well, have a great weekend everyone, with lots of food/alcohol/presents/Christmas cookies! I'll be sneaking onto Twitter when I can, and will be back on Monday!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Christmas Whale

Quick question for you guys, before we get to Christmas Whale. Does anyone else experience Cocoonitis? See the following texting:

Me (at 11 am on the weekend): I made a cocoon of warmth and blankets in my bed and now I'm unable to get up. Nooooo
Boyfriend: You redefine sloth.
Me: Hey! This is a real disease. Cocoonitis. I've had since my parents made me sleep in 60 degrees growing up.
Boyfriend: There are less charitable names for it.
I mean, this is a real condition, don't you think? I'm SURE I'm not the only one out there suffering.

 Anyways, let's move on. Time for another Christmas Animal

Christmas Whale's Wish: For world peace. Or maybe green peace. I don't know, just SAVE THE WHALES!!

Sally the Whale isn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but she sure is passionate!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Camel

Do you guys remember way back when I had a dream about a camel, thus proving I'm psychic? Well, I did.  Which makes this conversation with Boyfriend very relevant to today's post:

Me: I had a dream you bought me star wars bed sheets for Christmas. And a matching tshirt
Boyfriend: I did! Weird
Me: You were pissy that I wasn’t more excited about em.
Boyfriend: They’re fucking nice is all
Me: Okay okay! Ill wear the shirt every day.
Boyfriend: Hells yeah

Boyfriend and I are exchanging Christmas presents tomorrow, and I’m super excited to give him his gifts. I’ll show you guys what I got him next week. In the meantime:

Christmas Camel’s Wish: Taco bell.

(Dude’s clearly stoned.) 

For other Christmas Animals, go here.   

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Christmas Penguins

It's time for another Christmas Animal! (Here and here  and here for previous entries).
This is a gay penguin couple. I need you to be okay with that. Their names are Larry and Jim.

Christmas Penguins Wish: For the adoption papers to go through!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Lessons from My Eye Doctor

So, as I’ve blogged about before, I have terrible eyesight. My very exciting eye doctor appointment was last Tuesday! WOOHOO! So, here are some things I learned:

1. The EYE DOCTOR should have a very large and clear sign outside their building. Because it was dark and raining and on a road that had a ton of office buildings. And guess what?  I couldn’t figure out which building it was. 

Oh yeah, that's totally clear.

Also, when you walk into a building, the address should be CLEARLY labeled somewhere. Because I walked into the wrong building. And I didn’t know that because the address wasn’t ANYWHERE. So I found a suite where there was a woman behind a desk, so I proceeded to try to open the glass doors, but they were locked.  Holy embarrassing. Two businessmen came out and asked if they could help me, and I had to ask what building I was in.  Cringe. Oh, and by the time I got to the right building, I was late. And I hate being late. Because I’m crazy.

2. Fancy private eye doctors are no better than Walmart. Seriously. I hadn’t been to a real eye doc since I was a kid, so I guess I didn’t really remember that its all the EXACT same thing. I read some letters, they did the whole “is this better, or this?” and they told me my prescription hasn’t changed. Bam! The homeless guy standing outside of my work could do that. Except they charged twice as much. So, there’s that.

Also, they don’t make the letters big enough. Honestly, without my glasses on, I couldn’t even see there was a letter there. At first it looked like this:
Seriously, WTF is that?
So they had to let me use my glasses to see anything at all.
Oh, I see. Assholes.

3. Holy shit is it hard to pick out glasses by yourself. So even though my prescription didn’t change, my current lenses are chipped and awful, so I needed new glasses. The consultant they had was nice and helpful, but there are SO MANY glasses. Seriously. My head was spinning. 
Too retro

Too round
Too square
Ad nauseum.

Unfortunately, the first three frames I narrowed it down to were WAY too expensive, so I made her find me two cheaper pairs. They were very similar - one brown and one black. Easy right?


After agonizing over this decision (I’m poor, I’m not buying glasses again in a looong time), I finally went with the black ones

Once you go black...

And then I went home and immediately second guessed myself.

They take a week or so to come in, and I’m anxiously waiting, because A) I want them and B) I’m not great at describing them. They're black and retangularish. But I did look at someone and realize they had pretty exactly the glasses. Who want that, you ask?


Someone please tell me matching glasses are cute.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Christmas Cow

For some background, go here or here.

Christmas Cow’s Wish: For Santa to consider picking a flying cow on Christmas Eve? Please?

Friday, December 9, 2011

Christmas Polar Bear

Christmas Polar Bear’s Wish: For all the world’s hairdryers to spontaneously combust, so that I and my adorable polar bear cubs don’t go the way of the wooly mammoth.  Also, some fish wouldn’t hurt. I like fish.
[This wish is inspired by my hippie Boyfriend, who tells me that a polar bear cries every time someone uses a hairdryer.]

Have a great weekend everyone! See you on Twitter!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

My Appliances are Against Me

The apartment Roomie and I share is kind of, oh, falling apart. It’s on the older side, so at first I thought it was just that things were breaking down and needed to be replaced. Not a huge deal, right? But now I see no, that’s not what’s happening. My apartment’s appliances are systemically trying to drive me insane.

And they’re succeeding.

First, we have the air conditioning. Over the summer, it broke. As in, it was 89 degrees INSIDE the apartment. Apparently the motor for it is not big enough to maintain the whole apartment. Seems plausible, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought too. 

We sweated like beasts for a few days and got a repairman in to fix it.

Next, we have the washer/dryer. Since I started living here two years ago, it was causing major problems. It was a really old machine from the 70s, and wouldn’t really dry anything cotton (just got it all wrinkly and clumpy). Then, the dryer would randomly turn off mid cycle, so it would take approximately 6 hours to get a load of laundry dry. God help you if you were washing sheets. Mind you, this was occurring over the summer, when we were sweating like beasts. 

FINALLY, I managed to convince Landlord we needed a new washer/dryer. She’s super cheap, so she left the old, broken washer/dryer from the 70s in our living room for awhile to see if she could see it on Craigslist (yes, you read that right).

But THEN – the new washer/dryer kept making the circuit breaker pop, and we’d randomly lose power in our kitchen. And the circuit box started making a weird buzzy noise.  So we had an electrician come in back on October. To quote a previous post: The electrician told roomie and I not to worry too much, just don’t leave the apartment or fall asleep while doing laundry. Oh and periodically touch the circuit breaker box while the washer/dryer are on to make sure its not hot and there’s not, you know, A RAGING FIRE IN OUR WALLS. 

Yeah, that was an issue. The electrician came like two weeks ago, so we have functioning electricity now. Yaaaay.

But now, the kitchen is turning on us. The faucet is leaking significant amounts of water at its base every time we turn it on and is rusting and is probably going to snap off soon. 

I told landlord, but I don’t think she cares. You know, until it snaps off and floods the place.

Additionally, we find puddles of water outside our refrigerator in the morning. Honestly, I actually feel a little bad for the fridge, I mean its 30 years old and still not potty trained? Embarrassing. I try not to shame it, but for the love of God, STOP MAKING PUDDLES!
The other day, I found a similar puddle in front of the dishwasher. The incontinence is spreading.

Guys, these are just the main issues. I’m not going to go into the fact that the pilot light goes out in the warmer weather so during the random Halloween blizzard we had no heat for the better part of the day, or the fact that Roomie’s toilet only works say 50% of the time, or that she doesn’t really get heat or a/c in her room. 

Clearly, they’re organized, committed, and out to get me.

Wish me luck guys.  Lease doesn’t end til May.

I need a pillow fort.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Christmas Animals: Christmas Kitty

So, as I’ve blogged about before, I haven’t really figured out a good posting schedule. I know I’m not going to keep up posting 5x a week without the material deteriorating into me grunting and drooling and drawing pictures that I try to pull off as “abstract” but really look like an angry six year old’s drawings of their family issues at the therapist’s office.  Also, I’ve found so many more awesome blogs out there, and it actually takes time to catch up on them all.

So, for December, I’m introducing a new recurring feature: Christmas Animals! Pretty much, once or twice a week I’m going to post a Christmas-ized picture of an animal, and they’re going to tell you what they want for Christmas. And you’ll like it (please?). Yaaaay!

Christmas Kitty’s Wish: For ghosts to find peace and move on and stop appearing in Gia’s shower. Also, some of those squeaky mice with catnip inside.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I Wish They Sold DIY Lasik Kits

Like many people, I wear glasses/contacts. I’ve had them since fourth grade. 
Little Gia - I look normal enough, eh?
Unlike most others, my glasses are INCREDIBLY STRONG vision is atrocious and I cannot see a thing without them. Like, if someone has 20/20 vision, something that is 20 feet away LOOKS 20 feet away. My uncorrected vision is approximately 20/650. Something that is 20 feet away looks 650 feet away to me.

Sexy Blurry Boyfriend
 So, I don’t just need my glasses to drive, I need them to function on a daily basis.

Whoops. More eyeball poking
And, like the 99% of the population, I’m pretty poor right now. I’ve spent the past 6 or 7 years without eyecare insurance.  This isn’t incredibly unusual, I know. But it meant I go to the eye doc at Walmart. One step up from that guy with the van in the back of the parking lot who offered me discounted lasik. Lasermobile? No thanks, ax murderer. I won’t have you harvesting my eyeballs for your weird doll collection.
Also known as Rapemobile 3000.
I’m lucky in the fact that my prescription hasn’t changed since high school. But that means I’ve had the same $20 WalMart frames and lenses. The bad thing is that coating on the lenses is all chippy and whatnot. Day to day, this doesn’t bother me.  But at night, it creates giant halos.

Why am I bringing this up now? Because we recently had Daylight Savings

AKA the worst time of the year for me.

See, I work til 5pm. And from March-October, this isn’t a problem. I can wear glasses to work, hop in my car, do some highway merging, and get home no problem. However,  wearing contacts for 8 straight hours of looking at a computer gives me headaches, probably because I have the vision of a bat.
Is that a swarm of gnats or some woman's hair? Probably gnats. Better go swoop into it.
Once darkness hits, all bets are off. All I see are bright lights coming at me and I have no idea what lane anyone is in. It’s like driving with a granny:

[Cut me a break. I can't draw cars.]
Except I’m not senile, so it’s FUCKING TERRIFYING.

My current solution has been to suck it up and wear my contacts. Sure, it causes headaches and my eyes hurt and it makes me miserable, but at least I’ve managed to get myself home in one piece so far.

However, my current job provides eye insurance. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

So mark it in your calendars, kiddies. Tuesday, December 6th. Gia has an eye doctor appointment! She’s going to get brand spankin’ new glasses!

[Yes, Gia may find out that the night driving issue is due to her bad vision and not her shitty glasses and even brand new glasses won’t fix it, but let’s not rain on her parade, shall we?]

FYI, I’m also going to inquire about lasik surgery. Sure, I won’t be able to afford it for a few years and sure, Boyfriend says its like being in A Clockwork Orange, but hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?

Friday, November 18, 2011

A Short Friday Post Because I’m Drinking Rather Quickly on Thursday Night

Wow this week was long. I’m working on a post about the Wooing of Boyfriend, but I had to work late tonight and I have to pack and I’m drinking so it just ain’t happening tonight. However, there are two important things I need to go over:

Remember that time I was right about the snow? And I created that picture that said I was right and stated how I wanted to use it as often as possible? Well, guess what, I WAS RIGHT AGAIN.

This time, it was about the movie Red State. Boyfriend and I both aren’t really a fan of horror/torture movies. But he listened to a bunch of podcases about it and said it was on Netflix and he wanted to watch it. The following convo took place:

Boyfriend: Do you wanna watch it with me or should I watch it by myself?
Me: Umm…. [trying to be the coolest girlfriend ever but also knowing I’m a wuss] maybe?
Boyfriend: Are you scared?
Me: No! Ummm…I kinda wanna see it.
Boyfriend: You don’t have to look during any bad parts.
Me: Yeah, and we’re not watching it on a big screen. Just my tiny laptop
Boyfriend: It’ll be fine.
Me: [the coolest girlfriend in the whole wide world] Okay

Famous frickin’ last words. We watched it Wed night, and that shit was fucked up! I mean the whole thing got pretty bloody, but there was one particularly awful scene that stayed with us the rest of night . I won’t tell you the ending, but if you want some advice, then SPOILER ALERT [highlight to read]: Don’t get invested in any of the characters. Anyone. Seriously. Also, stay away from saran wrap.

Anyway, it left Boyfriend pretty disturbed too. So THERE! I was RIGHT! It was a terrible idea to watch this movie.  Sure, I didn’t say “It’s a terrible idea to watch this movie,” but Boyfriend could sense my reluctance. Unfortunately, instead of being like this:

I’m more like this:
Goodbye, innocence.
2. I’m going to seaside town with Boyfriend this weekend! YAAAAY! Allie’s coming too. She’s been feeling a bit insecure after those things imaginary reader was saying about her, so I decided to bring her along this time. I hope the witch doesn’t find us.

Ok, it’s time to drink and pack and hope I don’t forget clean socks and underwear and deodorant because I did too much drinking before packing. Have a great weekend everyone!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Shower Games: Part II

In case you missed Part I, I’ve come up with some new activities for bridal/baby showers.  Because they’re boring and sucky. Have an upcoming Baby Shower you’re attending? I recommend playing some of these games, so you never get invited to one of these hellshowers again you’re the life of the party!

Game 1: 20 Questions About Conception
Supplies: Women, curiosity, and a lack of shame.
Directions: Well, this game only works if the mom-to-be knows the sex of the baby and hasn’t told anyone else yet. (Apparently, it’s fairly common to “surprise” shower guests with the sex, as if they cared.) Guests are allowed to ask 20 questions about the conception of the baby before guessing what the sex is.
Example questions include:

  • Who was on top?
  • How many days was it before/after ovulation?
  • How soon beforehand did you shower?

It's all very scientific.

Game 2: Labor Horror Stories Sharing Time! [Note: This game works especially well with new moms.]
Supplies: Women
Directions: Share your disgusting stories of childbirth. The gorier the better. Don’t hold back.
But don't worry. I'm sure *you'll* be fine.
 Boy, that granny is always causing trouble, isn’t she?

Game 3: What Animal Does the Mother-to-Be Resemble?
Supplies: Women, and your imagination.
Directions: Make the pregnant woman walk around the room. Discuss what animal she resembles. Waddling like a duck? Thumping around like a hippo? Don’t worry about sparing the mom-to-be’s feelings; I’ve heard pregnant women LOVE this game.

Strangely, no one ever chooses "lioness."

Game 4: Rub the Belly and Make a Wish.
Supplies: Pregnant woman.
Directions: Pretty self-explanatory. Rub your hands all over that belly! The more resistant the mother, the more likely the wish will come true. But don’t worry, ALL pregnant women secretly LOVE being touched!
Whoops. Someone got a handful of boob.

Game 5: Identify What’s in the Diaper
Supplies: Diapers, chocolate bars.
Directions: Melt the chocolate bars in the diapers so it looks like poo. Make women examine the diapers and guess what chocolate bar is in them- WHOA WHOA WHOA HOLD THE PHONE. This is a real fucking game?!? Holy shit! Someone actually does this? Not just to fuck with everyone and teach them never to ever invite said person to a shower again? Really?

Well. Shit is fucked up.  That kind of ruins my idea for Game 5. Hmmm…. Wait, I got it!
My twist: Use real poo.

There you go! Who wouldn't love these games? I strongly recommend using this ideas, and then reporting back here to let me know how it goes.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Shower Games: Part I

Hey, you know what sucks and isn’t fun at all? Showers. Not the personal hygiene showers, those are awesome. (And don’t worry Boyfriend, I partake in them on a fairly regularly basis.) I’m talking about the You’re-Getting-Married-or-are-Preggo-So-Here’s-Some-Present Showers. Ugh.

I’ve sat through a few of these bad boys, and I know that since I’m in my mid-twenties, even more are coming up. So I’ve designed some FUN games to make them more interesting. (God, I hope someone lets me plan one of these someday…) Today, we’re going over Bridal Showers.

Game 1: Pin the Veil on the Bride
Supplies: One reluctant bride, a crap ton of veils, duct tape.
Directions: Blindfold guest. Spin her in circles. Hand her a duct tape veil. Shove her in the general direction of the bride. Watch the magic.
Yeah, that's me in the pink dress. Obvi.
If I’m playing, she should probably wear goggles.

Game 2: Guess the Bride’s Weight
Supplies: One super reluctant bride, one scale, lots of bloodthirsty women.
Directions: Everybody yells out what they think the bride’s weight is. Bride is forced gets on scale. Winner gets a cupcake. Everyone else gets to speculate whether or not she will fit in wedding dress.
Everyone knows women's shoes weigh 5-10 lbs. Each.

Game 3: Marriage Length Pool
Supplies: Paper, Pencils, Honesty.
Directions: Guess how long the marriage will last.

Game 4: Sex advice from Mother of the Groom
Supplies: Mother of the Groom (the older and more Christian, the better), sex advice, garbage cans.
Directions: Invite mother of groom. Invite her to share sex advice. Make sure garbage can is near bride.

So, what do you guys think? Am I onto something? Stay tuned tomorrow for baby shower games – I have even better ideas for those!!

[Update: Part II is here]