Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Clumsy Lioness: Eyeballs Edition

Sometimes, I like to think of myself as a Sexy Lioness. I pounce on unsuspecting Boyfriend (the prey) while he’s not paying attention. I secretly hope this is training him to never not pay attention to me.

But, sometimes I’m less than graceful.

Confession time: I have this unfortunate habit of poking Boyfriend in the eye, especially in the dark. Seriously. It’s like this:

Usually when we’re snuggling together in bed and I’ll be reaching for his hair or beard, BAM I’ll hit him in the eye. Or if I jump into bed after going to the bathroom in the night, BAM in the eye. Or if he puts a blindfold on me and spins me around three times and hides in a corner, BAM my fingers will find his eye as surely as a prom baby will find its way to a dumpster (bad taste? Nahh).

Boyfriend's eyes aren't usually red. This is due to both getting poked in the eye and his anger at said eye poking.
Anyway, my point is, I hit his eye a lot. [He even got a black eye from me once, which was not from poking as much as a terrible sexccident involving a cheap bed and a very hard headboard. Tmi. Sorry]. But I have nails, too, so that makes it worse. I’ve also been known to poke his ears a few times, and other places that are a tad more sensitive where he’s been slightly less forgiving. So I’ve come up with some solutions for this non-problem:

1.  Cut my nails (to avoid the scraping). Um, no. I like them. Next!
2. Accept the eye-poking. Invest in eye-patch provider stock. Tell Boyfriend I think pirates are sexy.
Hello Sexy. May I call you Captain Boyfriend?
3. Get Boyfriend a sleep mask. Then worry that he enjoys the lack of eye contact TOO much.  And that he’ll fall asleep while we’re talking and I’ll never know. Become crazier. Bad idea.

4. Make Boyfriend wear goggles. And earmuffs. And an athletic cup.

I like this.

Hmm… definitely leaning towards #4. All I know is, nothing can stop the Sexy sigh Clumsy Lioness!
I'm sexy too, damnit!


  1. So your solution is to make him look like Kareem Abdul Jabbar circa 1986 with earmuffs? I don't see an alternative, you have found the most reasonable solution.
    What about not raising your hands above your shoulder, then you'll just stab his nipple and armpit.

  2. That was bad..that was really really bad. Of course I laughed out loud abruptly enough to surprise myself...and continued to chuckle while reading the rest of the post...but that was bad.

  3. My EYE!!!! again? Really.....

  4. maybe you could use it somehow to work in your favor, like training an animal with treats. like every time you poke him in the eye, you provide certain "favors" afterwards, which will in turn help him learn to look forward to the eye poking.