Monday, July 29, 2013

Vacation Preparation

So, I’m taking a quick mini vacation with my mom and sis (essentially Sun-Wed). It was kind of a last minute thing, and I am glad I am going. But, I had one day to get all my shit together for it.

Seriously fuck atms.

Anyhoo, yeah. Going away for a few days, so if I’m less active on the commenting and tweeting, that’s why. Don’t worry – I’ll be back soon!!


Friday, July 26, 2013

Fat Cat Poll Results

So, last Friday I asked you to take a poll about whether or not my sister’s cat is fat. The results:

  • No, this cat isn’t fat and I am a terrible judge of animal obesity. 20%
  • Well, I don’t want to hurt the kitty’s feelings but *whispers* yes the cat is fat 22%
  • Of course the cat is fat, SHE CAN’T EVEN FIT IN HER BOX! 4%
  • Holy shit its GODZILLA KITTY!!! 4 %
  • Because I’m worried about the alarming rate of kitty eating disorders, I refuse to participate in such nonsense. Kitty is  beautiful as she is. She is a role model for full figured cats everywhere. Don’t make her change.  54%

So there you have it.

Sigh. Poor us. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

The Story of Leviticus

Because I haven’t been blasphemous in awhile.

This is Leviticus.

And this is his hot wife, Mrs Leviticus.
Nobody tell me their names weren't really Leviticus. I don't want to hear your nonsense.
They had a pretty normal marriage...

Except for the fact that God spoke to Leviticus and gave him a bunch of rules, which Leviticus had the duty to share. He absolutely was not making them up as he went along.

Despite Leviticus' constant rule-making, Mrs. Leviticus was a pretty good wife. 

Note: I don't know what crabcakes look like.

In case you're not getting this, Leviticus was a bit of a dick.

God always made rules at the most convenient times for Levi.

Mrs. Leviticus was no fool, and was getting pretty tired of his shenanigans.

So Mrs. Leviticus’ brother, Samuel, visited. They didn’t have a guest room because every time Mrs. Leviticus asked Leviticus to work on it, he said he didn’t have time because he needed to rest on the Sabbath. So they only had one bedroom, and one big bed.

That was the last straw for Mrs. Leviticus.

God is a cloud, remember?
And Leviticus never made up another bullshit rule from God again.

Those *WHO trim their beards, damnit

The End!

[Note: It took me a million hours to make this giant post and I’m pretty proud of it, so I’m not posting anything new on Wednesday. Also, it’s ok for me to say all this because I’m technically catholic. I’m pretty sure this is what they taught me in CCD. Or not, I don’t know. I was usually drunk.]