So, whether or not you like it, I'm going to assume you miss Allie and want to know what she's been up to.
Actually wait, first check out this picture:
AWESOME, right? It's the park near my apartment where I like to walk because I'm too poor lazy poor (which one is better??) for a gym. Anyway, sometimes fall kicks ass.
Okay, back to Allie. In my head, you guys really wanna know about her. It goes something like this:
Imaginary Reader: Hey Gia, what's Allie been up to lately?
Me: Oh, thanks for asking, friendly reader! Allie's been busy as heck lately! She's recently taken to tree-climbing, in order to break those stereotypes that gators are "all slither and no climb." Also, because she thinks blending in with a tree slims her down a bit.
Imaginary Reader: Allie looks great as she is and doesn't need to slim down at all!
Me: Wow, thanks for being so accepting Reader!
Imaginary Reader: But if you wanted her to lose an ounce or two, you know, for her health, does she get any exercise?
Me *eyes narrow*: I'm not sure I like your tone, Reader.
Imaginary Reader: Your gator looks like she just ate a moose.
Me: Wow. It must be hard for you, being so much better than everyone else. Hey, have YOU ever tried to raise an alligator as a single parent?!?
Imaginary Reader: I just call em as I see em.
Me: Whatever, for your information, she's an avid tennis player:
 |
| She likes balls. |
Imaginary Reader: Oh, good for her! I bet she's a GREAT tennis player.
Me: It's way too early in the morning for you to be so condescending.
Imaginary Reader: Hey, I'm TRYING to be supportive.
Me: Try harder.
Imaginary Reader: *clenching teeth* Does...she...have...any....other....hobbies?
Me: She's rather good at puzzles, see:
Imaginary Reader: That's awesome! Any other hobbies?
Me: Weeeellll, just one.
Imaginary Reader: What is it?
Me: Do you really wanna know?
Imaginary Reader: Yes.
Me: Do you promise not to judge me?
Imaginary Reader: Sure.
Me: Pinky swear?
Imaginary Reader: WHAT IS IT?!?
Me: ............................................................................................................................
 | |
| Boyfriend's office, of course. |
...................................................Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Imaginary Reader: WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK?!?
Me: Hey, you promised.
Glad the shout-out got you some new readers. With that out of the way, there may be something wrong with you. But I think that's what makes this so entertaining.
ReplyDeleteThat is one naughty alligator.
ReplyDeleteThis was great, looking forward to more Allie adventures. (I must admit I did a double take at the pic of Allie in the tree, I thought it was some sort of giant terrifying bug or something haha).
ReplyDeletehah! Best punchline I've read all day. For a minute there I thought you actually had a pet alligator. You never know with people these days, right?
ReplyDeleteA-HEM. What do you mean, you "thought" I "actually" had a pet alligator?
ReplyDeleteAlso Sub-Radar-Mike, "giant terrifying bug"?!? Clearly, I need to check out these comments before I let Allie read them. Because she totally saw that. And now she's hitting the wine and chocolate pretty damn hard. Damn emotional gator.
ReplyDeleteBest. Post. Ever!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought the line about the moose was funny. It just kept getting better =]
My boyfriend just turned to me wanted to know what was so funny. It didn't come out so funny when I tried to tell it. In fact I am pretty sure he thinks I am insane. I just might join Allie with the wine and chocolate.
ReplyDelete