Thursday, November 17, 2011

Allie Update

Hi all! Welcome, new readers. The amazing Pickleope  gave me some free publicity this week (and I didn't even have to do anything filthy), and I've gotten like two whole new followers since then. I'm easily wowed and like to keep low expectations of myself, so this is big news! Okay, now onto today's post:

So, whether or not you like it, I'm going to assume you miss Allie and want to know what she's been up to. 

Actually wait, first check out this picture:

AWESOME, right? It's the park near my apartment where I like to walk because I'm too poor lazy poor (which one is better??) for a gym. Anyway, sometimes fall kicks ass.

Okay, back to Allie.  In my head, you guys really wanna know about her. It goes something like this:

Imaginary Reader: Hey Gia, what's Allie been up to lately?
Me: Oh, thanks for asking, friendly reader! Allie's been busy as heck lately! She's recently taken to tree-climbing, in order to break those stereotypes that gators are "all slither and no climb." Also, because she thinks blending in with a tree slims her down a bit.

Imaginary Reader: Allie looks great as she is and doesn't need to slim down at all!
Me: Wow, thanks for being so accepting Reader!
Imaginary Reader: But if you wanted her to lose an ounce or two, you know, for her health,  does she get any exercise?
Me *eyes narrow*: I'm not sure I like your tone, Reader.
Imaginary Reader: Your gator looks like she just ate a moose.
Me: Wow. It must be hard for you, being so much better than everyone else. Hey, have YOU ever tried to raise an alligator as a single parent?!?
Imaginary Reader: I just call em as I see em.
Me: Whatever, for your information, she's an avid tennis player:

She likes balls.
Imaginary Reader: Oh, good for her! I bet she's a GREAT tennis player.
Me: It's way too early in the morning for you to be so condescending.
Imaginary Reader: Hey, I'm TRYING to be supportive. 
Me: Try harder.
Imaginary Reader: *clenching teeth* Does...she...have...any....other....hobbies?
Me: She's rather good at puzzles, see:

Imaginary Reader: That's awesome! Any other hobbies?
Me: Weeeellll, just one.
Imaginary Reader: What is it?
Me: Do you really wanna know?
Imaginary Reader: Yes.
Me: Do you promise not to judge me?
Imaginary Reader: Sure.
Me: Pinky swear?
Imaginary Reader: WHAT IS IT?!?
Me: ............................................................................................................................

Boyfriend's office, of course.

...................................................Autoerotic asphyxiation.

Imaginary Reader: WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK?!? 
Me: Hey, you promised.


  1. Glad the shout-out got you some new readers. With that out of the way, there may be something wrong with you. But I think that's what makes this so entertaining.

  2. This was great, looking forward to more Allie adventures. (I must admit I did a double take at the pic of Allie in the tree, I thought it was some sort of giant terrifying bug or something haha).

  3. hah! Best punchline I've read all day. For a minute there I thought you actually had a pet alligator. You never know with people these days, right?

  4. A-HEM. What do you mean, you "thought" I "actually" had a pet alligator?

  5. Also Sub-Radar-Mike, "giant terrifying bug"?!? Clearly, I need to check out these comments before I let Allie read them. Because she totally saw that. And now she's hitting the wine and chocolate pretty damn hard. Damn emotional gator.

  6. Best. Post. Ever!!!

    And I thought the line about the moose was funny. It just kept getting better =]

  7. My boyfriend just turned to me wanted to know what was so funny. It didn't come out so funny when I tried to tell it. In fact I am pretty sure he thinks I am insane. I just might join Allie with the wine and chocolate.