Friday, November 11, 2011

Letters of Recommendation


So, back when Boyfriend wasn’t yet Boyfriend and just inappropriate and sexually-harassing coworker (hope you weren’t planning on running for public office, Boyfriend), he teased me about how I better come with letters of recommendation. So, here they are!


Letter 1:

To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is to recommend Gia [redacted] for the role of Girlfriend. She’s the most smartest, funniest, coolest, most awesomest girlfriend a man could ask for. She has fantastic sandwich making abilities. I really liked how to down earth she was, and not crazy at all. Let me repeat: there is absolutely NOTHING crazy about her.

For example, I could totally joke about breaking up with her and she wouldn’t totally freak out and spin around in circles and get depressed for days. Did I mention she makes good sandwiches? And excellent cupcakes!

She’s also really good at puzzles. It’s an underappreciated talent, really.

Good Luck you’ll need it,


Ex-Boyfriend-Who-Has-Recently-Repaid-a-Debt-to-Gia-that-has-NOTHING-to-do-with-this-letter

Wow, that is powerful. Honestly, I'm blushing.


Letter 2:

Dear Sir or Madam:
Wow! Gia [redacted]! I can sum her up in two words: SEX GODDESS. Seriously, she totally blew my mind. Even though she’s been with a modest yet respectable number of partners, she’s incredibly talented in all sorts of sexy ways.  She really knows her way around a [redacted]. And she has this one trick where she can [redacted] my [redacted] with her [redacted]. I would definitely use words like adventurous, flexible, mind-blowing to describe her. And not at all words like awkward, cold-fingered, fumbly, or accidentally scratchy.

You should definitely date her. And don’t be worried if she asks you to write a letter while she’s cradling your left nut, she’s very gentle and you always have another nut.

Sincerely,
Man-Who-Wishes-to-Keep-Both-Testicles

PS Watch your eyes though. She gets pokey.

I apologize for editing out the salacious details. I'm quite modest, you know.


Letter 3:

Hey Playaaa!
Yo dawg, Gia is the shizzznit. She’s slammin’ good at helping me apply my spray tan and stylin’ my blowout. She can first pump like a mofo! YEAH JERSEYYYYY!!!!!
-Vito “The Incident” Cavatelli

I was going through a weird phase at the time. Stop judging me.

But to sum up:
1. Super Awesome
2. Not Crazy
3. Sex Goddess

Ta-daaaa!
Damn, Boyfriend is so lucky.


9 comments:

  1. Wow...... Maybe you should get boyfriends to write these letters while still dating them.....

    Just to see how it would come out....

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  2. That was hilarious. I think my favorite was the [redacted].
    I think this is what dating websites are missing, testimonials from ex's. Or fake one's written by the delightfully demented.

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  3. All I would need to hear is cupcakes.

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  4. Boyfriend (one-eyed variety)November 11, 2011 at 4:17 PM

    A) Not sexually-harrassing. Deviant flirtatiousity.
    B) Puzzles do me no good.
    C) Never have seen you make a sandwich or a cupcake. Bait and freakin' switch, so E.F. you'd be disappointed. I know I am.
    D) Do you notice how many body parts are at risk with this crazy fiend?
    E) Who is that a drawing of? The girl you keep in your giant garish north jersey purse of yours?

    I may not make the weekend people. Wish me luck. DV! DV! OwOwOwOw

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  5. WEEKEND UPDATE: So far I've only accidentally poked Boyfriend in the eye once. He's fine.

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  6. Modest yet respectable number of partners is a little too vague for my taste. Not that we ever believe the numbers you all give us. I also would request a background check on these individuals. Some women find that off-putting. Their loss.
    +followed

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  7. I do believe your "jersey ex" is my favorite. Yea... I'm biased. =]

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  8. Your ex-coworker is awesome. Pretty cute these are. And my favorite ones are those that followed "sincerely"

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  9. You do sound pretty awesome from these letters, Gia. I would've definitely said you were crazy until I read them. And I might think it again later. But right this minute...you don't seem crazy.

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