Friday, November 11, 2011

Letters of Recommendation

So, back when Boyfriend wasn’t yet Boyfriend and just inappropriate and sexually-harassing coworker (hope you weren’t planning on running for public office, Boyfriend), he teased me about how I better come with letters of recommendation. So, here they are!

Letter 1:

To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is to recommend Gia [redacted] for the role of Girlfriend. She’s the most smartest, funniest, coolest, most awesomest girlfriend a man could ask for. She has fantastic sandwich making abilities. I really liked how to down earth she was, and not crazy at all. Let me repeat: there is absolutely NOTHING crazy about her.

For example, I could totally joke about breaking up with her and she wouldn’t totally freak out and spin around in circles and get depressed for days. Did I mention she makes good sandwiches? And excellent cupcakes!

She’s also really good at puzzles. It’s an underappreciated talent, really.

Good Luck you’ll need it,


Wow, that is powerful. Honestly, I'm blushing.

Letter 2:

Dear Sir or Madam:
Wow! Gia [redacted]! I can sum her up in two words: SEX GODDESS. Seriously, she totally blew my mind. Even though she’s been with a modest yet respectable number of partners, she’s incredibly talented in all sorts of sexy ways.  She really knows her way around a [redacted]. And she has this one trick where she can [redacted] my [redacted] with her [redacted]. I would definitely use words like adventurous, flexible, mind-blowing to describe her. And not at all words like awkward, cold-fingered, fumbly, or accidentally scratchy.

You should definitely date her. And don’t be worried if she asks you to write a letter while she’s cradling your left nut, she’s very gentle and you always have another nut.


PS Watch your eyes though. She gets pokey.

I apologize for editing out the salacious details. I'm quite modest, you know.

Letter 3:

Hey Playaaa!
Yo dawg, Gia is the shizzznit. She’s slammin’ good at helping me apply my spray tan and stylin’ my blowout. She can first pump like a mofo! YEAH JERSEYYYYY!!!!!
-Vito “The Incident” Cavatelli

I was going through a weird phase at the time. Stop judging me.

But to sum up:
1. Super Awesome
2. Not Crazy
3. Sex Goddess

Damn, Boyfriend is so lucky.


  1. Wow...... Maybe you should get boyfriends to write these letters while still dating them.....

    Just to see how it would come out....

  2. That was hilarious. I think my favorite was the [redacted].
    I think this is what dating websites are missing, testimonials from ex's. Or fake one's written by the delightfully demented.

  3. All I would need to hear is cupcakes.

  4. Boyfriend (one-eyed variety)November 11, 2011 at 4:17 PM

    A) Not sexually-harrassing. Deviant flirtatiousity.
    B) Puzzles do me no good.
    C) Never have seen you make a sandwich or a cupcake. Bait and freakin' switch, so E.F. you'd be disappointed. I know I am.
    D) Do you notice how many body parts are at risk with this crazy fiend?
    E) Who is that a drawing of? The girl you keep in your giant garish north jersey purse of yours?

    I may not make the weekend people. Wish me luck. DV! DV! OwOwOwOw

  5. WEEKEND UPDATE: So far I've only accidentally poked Boyfriend in the eye once. He's fine.

  6. Modest yet respectable number of partners is a little too vague for my taste. Not that we ever believe the numbers you all give us. I also would request a background check on these individuals. Some women find that off-putting. Their loss.

  7. I do believe your "jersey ex" is my favorite. Yea... I'm biased. =]

  8. Your ex-coworker is awesome. Pretty cute these are. And my favorite ones are those that followed "sincerely"

  9. You do sound pretty awesome from these letters, Gia. I would've definitely said you were crazy until I read them. And I might think it again later. But right this don't seem crazy.