I Wish They Sold DIY Lasik Kits

Like many people, I wear glasses/contacts. I’ve had them since fourth grade. 

Little Gia - I look normal enough, eh?

Unlike most others, my glasses are INCREDIBLY STRONG vision is atrocious and I cannot see a thing without them. Like, if someone has 20/20 vision, something that is 20 feet away LOOKS 20 feet away. My uncorrected vision is approximately 20/650. Something that is 20 feet away looks 650 feet away to me.

Sexy Blurry Boyfriend

 So, I don’t just need my glasses to drive, I need them to function on a daily basis.

Whoops. More eyeball poking

And, like the 99% of the population, I’m pretty poor right now. I’ve spent the past 6 or 7 years without eyecare insurance.  This isn’t incredibly unusual, I know. But it meant I go to the eye doc at Walmart. One step up from that guy with the van in the back of the parking lot who offered me discounted lasik. Lasermobile? No thanks, ax murderer. I won’t have you harvesting my eyeballs for your weird doll collection.

Also known as Rapemobile 3000.

I’m lucky in the fact that my prescription hasn’t changed since high school. But that means I’ve had the same $20 WalMart frames and lenses. The bad thing is that coating on the lenses is all chippy and whatnot. Day to day, this doesn’t bother me.  But at night, it creates giant halos.

 
Why am I bringing this up now? Because we recently had Daylight Savings

AKA the worst time of the year for me.

See, I work til 5pm. And from March-October, this isn’t a problem. I can wear glasses to work, hop in my car, do some highway merging, and get home no problem. However,  wearing contacts for 8 straight hours of looking at a computer gives me headaches, probably because I have the vision of a bat.

Is that a swarm of gnats or some woman's hair? Probably gnats. Better go swoop into it.

Once darkness hits, all bets are off. All I see are bright lights coming at me and I have no idea what lane anyone is in. It’s like driving with a granny:

[Cut me a break. I can't draw cars.]

Except I’m not senile, so it’s FUCKING TERRIFYING.

My current solution has been to suck it up and wear my contacts. Sure, it causes headaches and my eyes hurt and it makes me miserable, but at least I’ve managed to get myself home in one piece so far.

However, my current job provides eye insurance. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

So mark it in your calendars, kiddies. Tuesday, December 6^th. Gia has an eye doctor appointment! She’s going to get brand spankin’ new glasses!

[Yes, Gia may find out that the night driving issue is due to her bad vision and not her shitty glasses and even brand new glasses won’t fix it, but let’s not rain on her parade, shall we?]

FYI, I’m also going to inquire about lasik surgery. Sure, I won’t be able to afford it for a few years and sure, Boyfriend says its like being in A Clockwork Orange, but hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?

A Short Friday Post Because I’m Drinking Rather Quickly on Thursday Night

Wow this week was long. I’m working on a post about the Wooing of Boyfriend, but I had to work late tonight and I have to pack and I’m drinking so it just ain’t happening tonight. However, there are two important things I need to go over:

1. I WAS RIGHT.

Remember that time I was right about the snow? And I created that picture that said I was right and stated how I wanted to use it as often as possible? Well, guess what, I WAS RIGHT AGAIN.

This time, it was about the movie Red State. Boyfriend and I both aren’t really a fan of horror/torture movies. But he listened to a bunch of podcases about it and said it was on Netflix and he wanted to watch it. The following convo took place:

Boyfriend: Do you wanna watch it with me or should I watch it by myself?

Me: Umm…. [trying to be the coolest girlfriend ever but also knowing I’m a wuss] maybe?

Boyfriend: Are you scared?

Me: No! Ummm…I kinda wanna see it.

Boyfriend: You don’t have to look during any bad parts.

Me: Yeah, and we’re not watching it on a big screen. Just my tiny laptop

Boyfriend: It’ll be fine.

Me: [the coolest girlfriend in the whole wide world] Okay

Famous frickin’ last words. We watched it Wed night, and that shit was fucked up! I mean the whole thing got pretty bloody, but there was one particularly awful scene that stayed with us the rest of night . I won’t tell you the ending, but if you want some advice, then SPOILER ALERT [highlight to read]: Don’t get invested in any of the characters. Anyone. Seriously. Also, stay away from saran wrap.

Anyway, it left Boyfriend pretty disturbed too. So THERE! I was RIGHT! It was a terrible idea to watch this movie.  Sure, I didn’t say “It’s a terrible idea to watch this movie,” but Boyfriend could sense my reluctance. Unfortunately, instead of being like this:

I’m more like this:

Goodbye, innocence.

2. I’m going to seaside town with Boyfriend this weekend! YAAAAY! Allie’s coming too. She’s been feeling a bit insecure after those things imaginary reader was saying about her, so I decided to bring her along this time. I hope the witch doesn’t find us.

Ok, it’s time to drink and pack and hope I don’t forget clean socks and underwear and deodorant because I did too much drinking before packing. Have a great weekend everyone!!

Shower Games: Part II

In case you missed Part I, I’ve come up with some new activities for bridal/baby showers.  Because they’re boring and sucky. Have an upcoming Baby Shower you’re attending? I recommend playing some of these games, so you never get invited to one of these hellshowers again you’re the life of the party!

Game 1: 20 Questions About Conception

Supplies: Women, curiosity, and a lack of shame.

Directions: Well, this game only works if the mom-to-be knows the sex of the baby and hasn’t told anyone else yet. (Apparently, it’s fairly common to “surprise” shower guests with the sex, as if they cared.) Guests are allowed to ask 20 questions about the conception of the baby before guessing what the sex is.

Example questions include:

• Who was on top?
• How many days was it before/after ovulation?
• How soon beforehand did you shower?

It's all very scientific.

Game 2: Labor Horror Stories Sharing Time! [Note: This game works especially well with new moms.]

Supplies: Women

Directions: Share your disgusting stories of childbirth. The gorier the better. Don’t hold back.

But don't worry. I'm sure *you'll* be fine.

 Boy, that granny is always causing trouble, isn’t she?

Game 3: What Animal Does the Mother-to-Be Resemble?

Supplies: Women, and your imagination.

Directions: Make the pregnant woman walk around the room. Discuss what animal she resembles. Waddling like a duck? Thumping around like a hippo? Don’t worry about sparing the mom-to-be’s feelings; I’ve heard pregnant women LOVE this game.

Strangely, no one ever chooses "lioness."

Game 4: Rub the Belly and Make a Wish.

Supplies: Pregnant woman.

Directions: Pretty self-explanatory. Rub your hands all over that belly! The more resistant the mother, the more likely the wish will come true. But don’t worry, ALL pregnant women secretly LOVE being touched!

Whoops. Someone got a handful of boob.

Game 5: Identify What’s in the Diaper

Supplies: Diapers, chocolate bars.

Directions: Melt the chocolate bars in the diapers so it looks like poo. Make women examine the diapers and guess what chocolate bar is in them- WHOA WHOA WHOA HOLD THE PHONE. This is a real fucking game?!? Holy shit! Someone actually does this? Not just to fuck with everyone and teach them never to ever invite said person to a shower again? Really?

Well. Shit is fucked up.  That kind of ruins my idea for Game 5. Hmmm…. Wait, I got it!

My twist: Use real poo.

There you go! Who wouldn't love these games? I strongly recommend using this ideas, and then reporting back here to let me know how it goes.

Shower Games: Part I

Hey, you know what sucks and isn’t fun at all? Showers. Not the personal hygiene showers, those are awesome. (And don’t worry Boyfriend, I partake in them on a fairly regularly basis.) I’m talking about the You’re-Getting-Married-or-are-Preggo-So-Here’s-Some-Present Showers. Ugh.

I’ve sat through a few of these bad boys, and I know that since I’m in my mid-twenties, even more are coming up. So I’ve designed some FUN games to make them more interesting. (God, I hope someone lets me plan one of these someday…) Today, we’re going over Bridal Showers.

Game 1: Pin the Veil on the Bride

Supplies: One reluctant bride, a crap ton of veils, duct tape.

Directions: Blindfold guest. Spin her in circles. Hand her a duct tape veil. Shove her in the general direction of the bride. Watch the magic.

Yeah, that's me in the pink dress. Obvi.

If I’m playing, she should probably wear goggles.

Game 2: Guess the Bride’s Weight

Supplies: One super reluctant bride, one scale, lots of bloodthirsty women.

Directions: Everybody yells out what they think the bride’s weight is. Bride is forced gets on scale. Winner gets a cupcake. Everyone else gets to speculate whether or not she will fit in wedding dress.

Everyone knows women's shoes weigh 5-10 lbs. Each.

Game 3: Marriage Length Pool

Supplies: Paper, Pencils, Honesty.

Directions: Guess how long the marriage will last.

Game 4: Sex advice from Mother of the Groom

Supplies: Mother of the Groom (the older and more Christian, the better), sex advice, garbage cans.

Directions: Invite mother of groom. Invite her to share sex advice. Make sure garbage can is near bride.

So, what do you guys think? Am I onto something? Stay tuned tomorrow for baby shower games – I have even better ideas for those!!

[Update: Part II is here]

Second Grade Was a Very Big Year for Me

So, as I previously noted, I am a vegetarian. No one else in my family is a vegetarian; actually we’re Italian, so they’re pretty ashamed of my unwillingness to eat meat. When I said I wanted to stop eating meat in the second grade, my mom thought it was a phase and went with it. But it wasn’t. I think second grade is about the time when you really start making the connection between animals and meat.

I realized that when I was eating spaghetti and meatballs:

It's spaghetti and meatballs. Shut up.

or a hamburger:

I was actually eating Bessie the Cow. :(

My little second grade self was deeply disturbed to learn where grandma’s meatballs really came from.

Also, we were learning a lot about American Indians and for some reason, the idea of whale-hunting really upset me.

In-a-not-totally-unrelated-way, second grade was also the year that I found out I was a wussie. I don’t actually mind the sight of blood, but talking about your heart and blood and circulatory systems and pulses (ugh, pulses!) really freaks me out. I know I know, “but a pulse is a GOOD thing,” and I agree, but if you try to touch my pulse, I will poke your eye out (oh, maybe boyfriend isn’t totally an innocent victim, eh??).

Anyhoo, I remember a distinct episode in second grade when I came to realize this about myself. The teacher was telling us about blood and pulses and other gross stuff, and we were practicing feeling our pulses, then jogging in place and feeling them again. I was completely disgusted and blatantly pressing my fingers on my jaw in an attempt to make sure I didn’t accidentally feel my neck pulse, but I was still getting totally woozy.

I guess I was looking a little pale, because the teacher was all:

 But what I saw was:

I had never been lightheaded before, so of course I thought I was going blind or dying or something equally traumatic. I went up to the teacher and told her there were spots in my eyes and I couldn’t see, so she made me put my head on my desk for the rest of the class. And that’s how I almost passed out in second grade. 

 

I probably should have called this post “The Year I discovered I was a Wussie” because I clearly couldn’t handle anything icky. I’d like to pretend I outgrew it, but I’m still a vegetarian and I BARELY got through junior year health class (CPR. Pulse feeling and heart beating. Ick. ICK ICK.) BONUS embarrassing confession: Even writing about pulses is making me feel a little iffy. I was going to draw another picture to go with this, but really I just need to stop thinking about it.  Shudder.