Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Equations

Over the weekend, I was thinking about how accurate and realistic last week's relationship scale  was. It also reminded me that hey, I used to be good at math! I decided to derive some basic equations from the scale:

1. Volcano + Hitler = Super Badness


Combine bad with worse and you get lots of unhappiness. Pretty self-explanatory. [A Hitler Volcano would spew hatred-lava everywhere. Lots of air travel delays.]

2.  Hitler + Socks, the Sexually Responsible Kitty = Badness but Not as Bad

Socks is the poster child for kitty STD prevention.

Hitler is super bad, but kitties without stds are on the good side the scale, so the result is only two unhappy faces. Clearly.

3. Volcano + Rainbows = Neutral 


Now, here the volcano is cancelled out by the rainbow, and the result is neutral. I know you’re probably thinking “a stupid rainbow isn’t as good as something like Pompeii was bad.” But, lots of volcanoes don’t cause mass death and destruction. And sometimes a rainbow can be REALLY good. Like a double rainbow.  Or one with a pot of gold at the end of it.

4. Chocolate + Peanut Butter = Hearts

God yes.

Honestly, the man who decided these two items would taste good together deserves a national holiday. We could get rid of Columbus Day. (Or as I like to call it, The-beginning-of-the-decimation-of-an-indigenous-people-here’s-your-blanket-and-smallbox Day)

5. Gia + Boyfriend = More Hearts



Well, obviously.

6. Cow + Ketchup Does Not Equal Hamburger

Drawn to scale. It's one of the those wholesale ketchup bottles. You know, like from Sam's Club..

 Confession time! So…I’m a vegetarian. Boyfriend has been telling me I need to "out" myself ever since my post involving bacon.  I maintain that I understand the glory of bacon even though I will not partake. And I would absolutely roll around in it to get a dog to love me. (Boyfriend disagrees. He thinks I’m a weenie when it comes to meat. Just because I don’t want meat juice all up in my business.) Anyway, don't hate me, but I don't like putting dead animals in my mouth.

Clearly, I should have been a math teacher.



4 comments:

  1. Why would you put meat juice in your business? OH! You mean your general business not the area-specific business I usually take it to mean.
    Hitler volcano would be the worst. Way worse than Stalin sinkhole.
    I have a lot of respect for vegetarians and I don't understand the vitriol that sometimes gets passed their way. You people (yeah, yeah you people, you vegetarian people, it's not bigoted) have convictions and that's admirable.

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  2. I'm a vegetarian as well it's been about 14 years or something I lost count

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  3. When I "guest" blog (i prefer to think of it as "celebrity" blog), I'll actually explain why Gia is a not a vegetarian and why she may (or may not) equate my c**k with a dead animal. There may have been hints about it in this very post even. (Up in your what?) These and other cosmic questions will one day be answered. Hint: it's Freudian and Jungian....and....well, just plain CRAZY.

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  4. Um, for the record, when Boyfriend tries to say I'm "not a vegetarian," he's not referring to my commitment to not eating meat (that is solid)- he's referring to the fact that he doesn't think I can say I'm a veg because I can't name more than 5 or 6 vegetables. Le sigh. I say that vegetarians are people who don't eat animals and I am a person who doesn't eat animals. Case closed.

    I'm not going to comment on the c**k comment. It's just not ladylike.

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