Monday, September 12, 2016


On Saturday, I went grocery shopping and noticed a new parking spot sign. 

Then I noticed another sign on the spot right next to that one:


Well, ok.  First, let me say that I'm totally fine with courtesy spaces for people who don't have a handicapped plate but may otherwise have a condition/situation that would be helped by parking closer. Sure. 

But - aren't these really specific signs? I mean, what happens if the pregnant lady parks in the toddler spot? Exactly how old does a kid have to be before they age out of the toddler spot? What if you have a little kid that can't toddle yet?

And, what about other things that should justify getting a close parking spot?

I propose the addition of the following parking spot signs:

FACT: thousands of millenials die each year by texting and walking into traffic. Let millenials park closer and save lives. 

You know what happens when you hold your pee too long? Bladder infections. FACT: bladder infections lead to DEATH. Let people who have to pee park closer and save lives

FACT: Cats are awesome and I deserve to park closer because of it. 

*Grits teeth* I will not make two trips from the car to my apartment. 

People who want to carry their groceries are heroes and therefore should be rewarded for their valor. 

People who go to parties are cool. Cool people get better spots. That's how the cookie crumbles. 

People who try new recipes are courageous and we should accommodate their need to pick up just one more thing. 

[Trigger warning] These people are the victims of weather. Would you really further victimize these weather victims by making them park far away? 

And finally:

These superpeople/gods/aliens/machines/hulks/bat hybrids/cat hybrids have SAVED HUMANITY. At the very least,  should they not be allowed to park 10-12 feet closer than us mere mortals? 

What parking spot sign would you add?


  1. I loved your ideas. Let's campaign for these victims.

  2. I am loving your signs. I agree that those are great ideas for signs but I suspect people would cheat. Just like the a-holes that park in the handicapped spots using their brother's/uncle's/mother's tag because they CAN.

    The courtesy sign that kind of amuses me is the one "reserved for employee of the month". Evidently being the best fry cook at Go Chicken Go is earns you a better parking spot than being a quadriplegic.

  3. I carry my own such sign in the back seat of my car and just put it up wherever I park. "Bitchy old dyke with a gimpy leg who will cut you if you so much as look at me the wrong way so fuck off asshole." Works like a charm!

  4. How can we make the sign for people who need to pee a reality? I do, however, have a problem with a couple of them. Superheroes are supposed to be selfless, free up that parking space out of the good of your caped heart.
    If I were to make a sign, it would be "Parking reserved for people who have looped around the lot 20 times stubbornly looking for the perfect spot." Sometimes I want to abandon my own spot for these lazy spot seekers.

  5. I was just going to say "Cranky Old People", but Debra "Bitchy old dyke with a gimpy leg who will cut you if you so much as look at me the wrong way so fuck off asshole." Pretty much trumps any excuse.

  6. I think Debra wins this one.

    I'd have a sign that says 'for terrible drivers with really huge cars who also can't park for shit' and it's posted in a space that's double the width.

    (note: the lifted Hummer that parks there would still invariably park crooked over one of the border lines)

  7. I need the pee sign. I would also add People Who Have Injuries Such As Broken Backs But Don't Qualify For The Disability Thing. Because that's me and I don't race walk the way I used to. I'd also add People Who Didn't Grow Up In Florida And Can't Take The Heat. That's also me. It's all about me.


  8. People Who Are Sick of Your Shit. That ought to do it.

  9. I am still in bed and this was the first thing I saw! I bet it is going to be a great day!! Such a funny post!

  10. I want a "Hangry" parking spot at the entrance closest to the food court.