Monday, December 24, 2012

The Nativity Story

Merry Christmas, everyone! Time to tell you all another Bible story - the birth of Jesus, Mayor-Gia-style.

There once was a lady named Mary:

She was super pregnant:

She had a husband named Joseph. He was not the father.

Around the time Mary was due, they had to travel to Bethlehem for a census.

A short while later…

Joseph knocked on the door.

The innkeeper, out of fear for his life, told them they could “go around back, where the animals are.”

Mary then gave birth among the animals. People try to make it sound all sweet and magical, but it was actually bloody and disgusting and painful, like most childbirths. Mary screamed a lot.

 But afterwards, they were happy.

A few days (or weeks or months, I have no idea) later, three wise man came bearing gifts.

And then they all sat around the baby Jesus and wrote Christmas songs.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!


  1. Poor Joseph. Most men hear "you're not the father" and start doing a celebration dance. Instead, he decides to help his lady deliver the baby in a shit-filled stable.

  2. An thus suckers have been taking care of other dude's kids and so it shall be until the Maury show reveals a DNA test and dudes get all pissed and storm off the stage...wait, what?

    Merry Christmas Gia - I hope you and boyfriend have a hug and wine filled holiday together.

  3. I think the camel is stoned. Must be the frankincense.

  4. Boooo censorship! I fully expected a graphic depiction of the birth!
    Also, did you not learn from my example? This very subject is why I got hate mail. Oh, I get what you're doing here.
    The stoned camel will definitely accomplish your goals here.

  5. Hilarious! I must admit, that odd camel creature at the side really caught my eye, I shall have to ask Santy Claus for one! :P x

  6. Joseph couldn't have been a real man (as in he's fictional, not necessarily without balls) because any man would have dumped Mary. And any real woman would know that her husband would fuck up the reservations. Supposedly the three kings showed up when Jesus was about three years old or so. Favorite Young Man played the little boy Jesus in our church Christmas pageant when he was about that age. The teenagers who played Joseph and Mary really appreciated Favorite Young Man because he was so sweet and well behaved. They said that the little boy Jesus the year before had been a biter.


  7. Yes, the camel looks way too happy, Joesph probably had to drug him during the kerfuffle
    Merry Christmas!

  8. Love the happy is a camel, right?
    As per Pickleope's comment, I hope you don't get any hate mail!

  9. Love your bible stories, I was hoping you would do a Christmas one. Merry Christmas!

  10. At least you didn't need Maury to tell him he wasn't the father. You were honest from the start.

  11. and this is why you instantly became my fave upon stumbling on your blog.

  12. Very well done! For someone who says she doesn't know the bible all that well, you do a surprisingly good job of relating the stories :)

    I don't know why exactly, but Joseph's comment to the camel cracked me up :)

  13. I liked Joseph's comment to the camel too. And Joseph and Mary on mushrooms? Too funny.

  14. Yes, yes YES! THIS is how it happened. Thank you for telling it like it is. Merry Christmas, hope yours was fun filled.

  15. Your renditions slay me. And thank you for not showing the moments of birth. Fourteen years after witnessing my nephew's "miraculous" birth I'm still recovering. (And I'm childless. Coincidence?)

  16. I think I like this version better. It's a lot more attune to modern times.

  17. Now this is the script that the kids at my church should do next year during the Christmas eve service.