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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The Salem Witch Trials

(a retelling by Mayor Gia)

In the spirit of Halloween, I’ve decided to retell the Salem Witch Trials. 

Back in 1692, a couple of girls decided it would be fun to start spreading foul and odious lies about people in their village.








 Poor Gia was accused of witchcraft, and brought before a judge.  The judge also happened to be her Boyfriend.  He was somewhat intimidated by her and her trendy hat and multiple cats.





Me, bitter? What?


So poor Gia was burned at the stake.

And Boyfriend thought he was free.


But Boyfriend was not that lucky.







So that’s how I like to think the Salem Witch Trials happened. I like this version much better than the real story, where a bunch of innocent women were murdered because bitches be cray.

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17 comments:

  1. PickleopeOctober 30, 2013 at 8:25 AM

    Sounds right to me. It would have been great if one was a witch like that. I recently heard that witches weren't burned in Salem, they just simply hanged them. Even more gruesome. I bet the trials stopped because dudes started looking around and realized, "Oh, there's now a 50:1 ratio of dudes to ladies. Good thing we don't know what 'gay' means yet in our Puritanical context." At least that's what I picture.

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  2. AnonymousOctober 30, 2013 at 9:51 AM

    And Salem lived from tourism since then.

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  3. TriGirlOctober 30, 2013 at 10:53 AM

    I was amazed at how calm Salem Gia was with being burned...not even a whimper. But then, she turned out to be Witch Gia. So that's cool.

    "Excuse. You" was my favourite part :)

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  4. UnknownOctober 30, 2013 at 1:06 PM

    I love my gia history lessons. Also, I can't wait for tomorrow now so I can say to every single person I see dressed like a witch "Woahhhh WITCHES be cray!" xx

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  5. AnonymousOctober 30, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    Yes, this is exactly how it happened. I should know . . . I'm a witch. I survived all of that drowning/burning crap. And pointy hats WERE trendy!

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  6. Janie JunebugOctober 30, 2013 at 2:42 PM

    History and the Bible are so much better from your p.o.v.

    Love,
    Janie, who still wants to adopt you

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  7. Kinley DaneOctober 30, 2013 at 3:25 PM

    Ha ha ha, I loved this! More history and bible stories, please! They are awesome.

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  8. UnknownOctober 30, 2013 at 5:56 PM

    LOVE!!! Conjure those dicks away, girl!

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  9. opinion8dhermitOctober 31, 2013 at 12:10 AM

    Simple, awesome. You need to retell more history.

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  10. katsidheOctober 31, 2013 at 9:30 AM

    Burritos are WITCH FOOD!

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  11. A Beer for the ShowerOctober 31, 2013 at 1:29 PM

    I wonder at what point they considered, "Gee, this evil creature that can apparently fly and cast spells isn't even TRYING to stop itself from burning or hanging. That seems kind of odd."

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  12. Chelle BlöggerOctober 31, 2013 at 1:55 PM

    You may want to throw his penis into the fire immediately, just to make sure he's not a warlock. It may be his um, magic wand and all that...

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  13. UnknownOctober 31, 2013 at 2:20 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  14. UnknownOctober 31, 2013 at 2:20 PM

    Haha! Witches be cray! Happy Halloween!

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  15. LovelynOctober 31, 2013 at 3:13 PM

    This is the best version of the Salem Witch Trials that I've ever read.

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  16. DWeiNovember 1, 2013 at 1:53 AM

    Man, where can I go to learn the spell of separating a person from their genitals...?

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  17. AnonymousNovember 1, 2013 at 12:57 PM

    Don't fuck with a woman on her period. That's my interpretation anyway.

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