Friday, August 31, 2012

My (Not So) Secret Addiction

To what, you ask?

Sigh. I kind of don’t want to tell you guys. But I will. Because honesty is my policy.


But seriously guys. Friday nights with Boyfriend have pretty much turned into this:

Is there a support group for people like me? I need help.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

An Update on Ducks Against Raping Ducks

Go herehere, and here for background.           

Me: Hi Ducky. How’s DARD?
Ducky: Hey Gia!  It's good! How’s it going with you?
Me: It’s alright. As you’ve probably heard, people have been really upset about Akin’s comments about rape.
Ducky: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah, he said “If it’s legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Ducky: Oh, that’s all?
Me: What do you mean? People, including your favorite blogger right here, are upset about it. Shmashmortion issue aside, that statement by itself is not cool.
Ducky: I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, he’s kind of right.
Me: WHAT?! Ducky! You, of all people, should know that rape is wrong!
Ducky: Well, of course rape is wrong. But I mean, it doesn’t usually lead to pregnancies.  You can just utilize one of the trap doors in your vagina. [Seriously, google it.]
Me: Ducky, that’s something LADY DUCKS can do. Not humans.
Ducky: You mean you don’t have a bunch of secret passageway vaginas for unwanted penises?
Me: No.
Ducky: Pshhhawww. Next you’re gonna tell me your vagina doesn’t spiral like a corkscrew in the opposite direction of penises.
Me: Ducky… No. Just no. Human penises aren’t corkscrews.
Ducky: WHAT?? Hold on, I need to check out Wikipedia.

*Five minutes later*

Ducky: Whoa.
Me: Are you okay Ducky?
Ducky: You guys aren’t like ducks at all.
Me: Nope it’s pretty different.
Ducky: So how can you prevent pregnancy if you get raped? Does your body emit birth control on demand?
Me: No.
Ducky: Do you have a special uterus communication ring that recognizes unwanted penis intrusion?
Me: If only that existed…
Ducky: Then how does your body “shut the whole thing down”??!!?
Me: It can’t. That’s the problem.
Ducky: But you know, just because lady ducks CAN shut the whole thing down, that doesn’t mean duck rape it okay.
Me: Of course not. And just because women CAN’T shut the whole thing down, doesn’t mean they weren’t legitimately raped.
Ducky: This Akin guy is a douchebag.
Me: Douchasaurus, actually.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Mayor Gia’s Creation Story

[Linking up with yeahwrite and the speakeasy!]

Okay, if anyone gets offended by this post, let me first tell you that Boyfriend gave me this idea.

The basic premise is that I’m going to retell Bible stories for you, through my interpretation. You’re welcome, world. We’re starting with the Creation Story.

Well, there’s two creation stories back to back in the Bible…I think this one is the second one. Not where God created everything and then men and women and then he rested. The one where he created man first and created stuff around man for him to play with. (Yeah, I don’t know too many Bible stories. No, I have not consulted a Bible in this blog post.) Okay, here we go.

In the beginning, God created man.

Yes, in my drawings God is a cloud.

I figured heart boxers are more fun than fig leaves.

God then created plants for man to frolick in.

Okay then, for man to hang out in.

FINE. Then God created animals for man to name.

Click to make bigger. So you can admire my work more. 

Boyfriend Man and his fishing...

God realized man needed a companion.

And then God created Gia Woman.

And then God created regret.

The End.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Onion Goggles

You guys ever have one of those frustrating moments when you think of a GREAT idea and find out it’s already been invented?

This is how it started. I was cutting an onion:

And all of a sudden my eyes starting tearing up.

You know, because I'm a vegetarian.

And then I had a brilliant idea: ONION GOGGLES!

Unfortunately, then I told twitter. And they informed me it had already been invented.
I hate being thwarted
I coulda been rich.

So, two questions for you all:

Have you ever thought of something awesome that has already been invented?
Do you have any tricks to onion cutting? I can’t buy these onion goggles out of principle. 

Monday, August 20, 2012

Observations through Texting from the Beach

[Linking up with yeahwrite! And also the speakeasy. Because, why not?]

As I mentioned on Friday, my mom and I went to the beach this weekend. Here’s some random observations, brought to you through texts between me and Boyfriend.

Observation 1: I am not above stealing from a child.

Me: A girl has a pink inflatable dolphin. I want to steal it.
Boyfriend: I’m sure you can overpower her.
Me: Survival of the fittest. Sucks to be a five year old.

Don’t worry, I didn’t steal it. I was gonna punch her in the face and run away with it, but her stupid parents were totally hovering. I mean, who doesn’t let their five year old run around unattended next to a giant body of water?

Observation 2: My nose is entirely too big for my face.

It was a long day in the sun, okay? Some sunburn could not be entirely unexpected.

Me: My FACE!!!
Boyfriend: Killing me?
Me: No. You love it. Especially when its tomatoey.
“The blotchier the better.”

Seriously, I don’t know what happened. I wore sunscreen and I didn’t get burned anywhere but my face. Mainly, my nose.

Boyfriend: Jackass.
Me: MEEEE?!?!?!
I can’t help it my nose sticks out like dumbo
Well he’s an elephant so he had a big nose so that kind of works.
Boyfriend: I’m not talking to you tomato head.
Me: Who is a jackass?
Boyfriend: You.
Me: Awwwww.
I wore sunscreen I swear!

Observation 3: My vision still isn’t great.

Boyfriend: So many bats out tonight.
Me: Like me and my mom.
Yeah, I can't see for shit. 
Observation 4: Honeybadgers don’t care.

Me: Now we’re gonna bring wine to the pool even though the rules say not to cuz we’re bad asses
Boyfriend: Wear your leather jackets and sunglasses.

Yeah, it was pretty much like this.

Observation 5: It’s a palm tree.

Me:  Look. It’s a radioactive palm tree. Damn nuclear meltdown.

Boyfriend: Good thing you have those sunglasses.

And that was my weekend.

Bonus Observation: Damn, I look good in leather.