Monday, April 13, 2015

The Totally Legit History of Mormonism

I was watching a scientology documentary, which made me think of other made up religions (all of them?). So, sorry any mormon readers (but also, cmonnnnnnnn). Here's the story of mormon, interpreted from the wikipedia entry on Joseph Smith. And also from the song "I Believe" from the Book of Mormon  musical as performed on the Tonys a few years ago. 

There once was a man named Boyfriend Joseph Smith. 

And this is his wife, Wife Gia. 

They lived during the Second Great Awakening,  and Boyfriend Smith spent a lot of time at revival camps. 

And then one day, Boyfriend Smith disappeared for awhile.

Boyfriend Smith continued to go to the hill and visit the magic gold books. Wife Gia did not appreciate that he was skipping out on his husbandly duties.

Boyfriend Smith realized none of the religions in their town were accepting of him and his magical gold books, so they needed to go west.

So they went west. 

Boyfriend Smith tried to spread his teachings in Ohio, but they weren't exactly welcoming.

So they went wester.  

And that's not only how Mormonism began, but also how Joseph Smith died. No need for you to fact check any of this, it is 100% true. The end. 



  1. Yup. Made up, all of them. ALL of them. Mormonism so that geezers could get access to teenaged nooky. Judaism to spread the guilty feelings around. Christianity (in all it's hundreds of sects) as a control mechanism to keep the people obedient and poor while the leaders lived high on the hog. Islam, Sufism, Hinduism, and many many other isms are what happen when you're out in the sun too much. All religion is now is a holdover from an ignorant past, and is mainly used by rich old white men to stay in control of everyone else, most commonly lately by spreading hatred and bigotry in the form of (their) religious "freedom".

  2. Still just as accurate as Joseph Smith's account. I mean, why else would a man go through all that trouble just to have 30-40 wives? It was clearly God's command.

    If you do a sequel to this, and you should, you should talk about the magic Mormon underwear. If you've never heard of it... Google it. It's a thing.

  3. When I was a kid, I had no idea what Mormons were, until, I was tricked by a friend into going to a "cool punk concert at a skate park." That concert turned out to be a Mormon-themed event. It wasn't even punk, it was a Mormon-themed ska band! Tricky ass Mormons. Now all I know about Mormonism comes from South Park.

  4. I was really enjoying this until I read buzzkill Keith's comment. Can't we sometime just enjoy funny creativity without getting on a soapbox? Oops, maybe I just did it myself.

  5. Joseph Smith was such a con artist, you kinda have to admire him. All religions start as cults to suck in the gullible and the crazy but then for some reason they become respectable, wealthy and powerful. What is wrong with the human race?

  6. It's hard to believe that anyone who had ever been to Missouri could believe that the Garden of Eden had been there.

    That was quiote a Fall indeed...

    On the other hand, Urim and Thummim are great names for a pair of pets.

  7. Man he had an answer for everything. Someone should have told his poor wife that he was probably banging Mumsy in the woods and the "gold books" were just an excuse.

  8. Closer to the Seahawks! At least he got something right.

  9. Gold books? I thought Mormonism came out of a magic hat. *checks Wikipedia* Oh no, sorry, it was a magic stone inside a regular hat. That totally makes much more sense.

  10. Gia your historical reenactments with Gia and Boyfriend are my favourite!!! I love, love, love this! (And I love the curly-haired wife thrown in)

  11. This is so hilarious...and I grew up Mormon....even if I still was. I hope I could still laugh at this wonderful interpretation! The multiple wives are the best! Love "Poppet" :)