Monday, November 19, 2012

I Don’t “Get” Turkey


 As Thanksgiving approaches, I have to admit something: I don’t get turkey. At all.


But I kind of remember turkey.


I never really enjoyed turkey. It was just so bland.  I actually kind of understand why people deep fry it.

Wasn't that a specialty at all the county fairs this year?

Here, this is the breakdown of a turkey: 

mmm...ass stuffing
Why don’t people just eat chicken? I remember chicken being much better tasting.



That's not even a little funny. I love ducks. FRIENDS NOT FOOD, DAMNIT!



Welp, it's a word now. 

Do you guys like turkey or do you agree that it’s gross? Chicken? Duck? Turducken?



27 comments:

  1. I am also vegetarian, but even when I wasn't, turkey was my least favorite part of thanksgiving. It is dry and boring. That's why you need stuffing and gravy. Mashed potato. That's where it's at.

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  2. If you're getting dry turkey, someone is cooking it wrong. That's my problem with it, it's difficult to cook right. It's a giant hunk of animal that takes forever and requires a lot of attention. Now cranberry stuff that comes out of a jar, what's up with that nasty crap?

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    1. I agree with Pickleope... Dry turkey tastes like ass, so don't cook it so it's dry. Also, when in doubt, try the dark meat. You have to really overcook to dry out the dark meat.

      In fact, we had a turkey last night... no special attention; we just followed the directions on the bird (and on the internet). It was juicy and delicious! (OK, the directions weren't on the bird itself, like a tattoo... that would be weird.)

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  3. I love everything about Thanksgiving dinner, but most of all, I love th weird ass stuffing.

    Sad but true.

    Ass stuffing rules.

    Turdurkin, or whatever the fuck it is, sounds hideous. Meat stuffed with meat that is stuffed with meat is just every kind of wrong there is. Even wronger than weird ass stuffing.

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  4. I'm with boyfriend on this one. Well, turkey isn't my favorite meat, but it's ok, properly cooked. It's just that there is usually SO MUCH OF IT!!!

    Duck. mmmmm. Duck is awesome. BBQ for the crispy outside, then baked. We just had duck and sausage in beans. Duck draped with bacon, though I'm not a big fan of bacon at all.

    I was at an office party with a turducken once, and all agreed that it was really good.

    Tofu. Pardon me while I go barf.

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  5. I'm not a fan of turkey either. It can be prepared by the most amazing cook and presto, you've just spent 4 hours making dry-ass meat. I'm with boyfriend. Give me some duck. Sorry, but roasted duck may be the most amazing meat I've ever tasted. Don't worry, though, the duck I eat has never been raped.

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  6. Trader Joe's has a "turkey" dinner with non-ass stuffing and cranberry sauce that's vegetarian. It was delicious, not dry, and such a good imitation that it fooled all of my insanely carnivorous children! (seriously, they make WOLVES look like moderate omnivores.)

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  7. Trader Joe's has a "turkey" dinner with non-ass stuffing and cranberry sauce that's vegetarian. It was delicious, not dry, and such a good imitation that it fooled all of my insanely carnivorous children! (seriously, they make WOLVES look like moderate omnivores.)

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  8. Mmmmmm, ass stuffing. Ass stuffing is the bestest!! Bring on the ass stuffing.

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  9. I haven't had turkey in my life ever but I'd like to try one. It's not available here and it's not fair! Life is not fair!

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  10. Turkey is merely a conduit for delicious stuffing, of course!

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  11. My mom makes REALLY good Turkey. Though, I only eat Turkey on Thanksgiving. Its really expensive, and for weekly dinners we usually have chicken.
    But man, I love turkey. I love food, period.

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  12. Turkey can be delicious, but is more often than not overcooked. Duck is always awesome... duck confit is the greatest thing ever (all though it sounds disgusting). I'd try turducken :)

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  13. Turkey is outstanding when prepared properly. You scoop out the guts, put in the stuffing, put the turkey in a Reynold's oven cooking bag, and cover the turkey with strips of bacon. Put in the meat thermometer. Close the cooking bag (which, of course, must be in a pan but you already knew that). Then relax and enjoy the amazing odor that comes from your kitchen. When the thermometer hits the correct temperature, enjoy the turkey and the bacon and the stuffing and the veggies and the mashed potatoes.

    Love,
    Janie

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  14. I have a way of doing turkey that keeps it moist. And I feel like there's a joke in there somewhere since I put "doing" and "moist" in the same sentence. On a related note, I am super perverted and immature. Also? I kind of want to cancel the holidays this year and eat spaghetti tacos on Thursday as a way of saying, "Fuck you, holidays!". WHO'S WITH ME??

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    1. Oh, yes, please. Can we also say "Fuck you Christmas"? I realize it's a religious holiday, but I just don't enjoy the holidays since my family was ripped apart by my stupid asshat ex-husband.

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  15. Turkey is awful. I cook it every year out of principle or something. But I rarely eat it. There are too many other things that are good and soaked in butter to eat.

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  16. It's just hard to prepare correctly. But, that doesn't matter - as a vegetarian, it won't appeal to you even if it's cooked to perfection!

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  17. I'm all about the sides. I could care less about the turkey. Bring on the mashed potatoes and rolls and pie!

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  18. I want to know where Gnetch lives that there are no turkeys!!

    I really love turkey. Moist turkey. Dry turkey is just wrong. And I like my stuffing made separately. Apparently it's called "dressing" if you don't actually put it in the turkey, but whatever. I don't need to eat things that I stuff into something's ass.

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  19. I've never "gotten" turkey either! lol I too think it's too...bleh. XD I'd rather have meat and lamb any ol' day!! :D

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  20. I don't eat a ton of meat, but when I do, I love turkey!! As others have said, it is not dry if properly cooked. And not only do I love turkey on Thanksgiving day, I love it on sandwiches in the days after.

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    1. Oh, yeah. Turkey sandwiches. On buttered toast. Oh, yeah.

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  21. i dislike chicken. i just dont eat it.
    not a big fan of turkey either but i have eaten some great juicy turkey with brilliant stuffing. yum.
    duck - well, yeah. i don't mind it once in a while.
    well, i guess i'm not much of a bird person - i prefer fish and beef.

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  22. I like turkey on a very RARE occasion. And then, it has to have a lot of mustard or something on it to make it less dry.

    I enjoy deli sliced turkey a lot, but yeah, the Thanksgiving fare is very dry.

    Chicken is the best thing ever. I could never, never eat duck!

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  23. I get tired of all the over juicy turkey that tastes like its been soaked in dish water for weeks. Folks that isnt fixing the issue. If you dont like the relatively dry nature of turkey then dont eat it. Thats a better alternative than mutating it into something that tastes like the scum that accumulates under the stoves at Boston Market.

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