Me: Hi Ducky. How’s DARD?
Ducky: Hey Gia! It's good! How’s
it going with you?
Me: It’s alright. As you’ve probably heard, people have been
really upset about Akin’s comments about rape.
Ducky: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah, he said “If it’s legitimate rape, the
female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Ducky: Oh,
that’s all?
Me: What
do you mean? People, including your favorite blogger right here, are upset
about it. Shmashmortion issue aside, that statement by itself is not cool.
Ducky: I
don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, he’s kind of right.
Me: WHAT?!
Ducky! You, of all people, should know that rape is wrong!
Ducky:
Well, of course rape is wrong. But I mean, it doesn’t usually lead to
pregnancies. You can just utilize one of
the trap doors in your vagina. [Seriously, google it.]
Me: Ducky,
that’s something LADY DUCKS can do. Not humans.
Ducky: You
mean you don’t have a bunch of secret passageway vaginas for unwanted penises?
Me: No.
Ducky:
Pshhhawww. Next you’re gonna tell me your vagina doesn’t spiral like a
corkscrew in the opposite direction of penises.
Me: Ducky…
No. Just no. Human penises aren’t corkscrews.
Ducky:
WHAT?? Hold on, I need to check out Wikipedia.
*Five minutes
later*
Ducky:
Whoa.
Me: Are
you okay Ducky?
Ducky: You
guys aren’t like ducks at all.
Me: Nope
it’s pretty different.
Ducky: So
how can you prevent pregnancy if you get raped? Does your body emit birth
control on demand?
Me: No.
Ducky:
Do you have a special uterus communication ring that recognizes unwanted
penis intrusion?
Me: If
only that existed…
Ducky:
Then how does your body “shut the whole thing down”??!!?
Me: It
can’t. That’s the problem.
Ducky: But
you know, just because lady ducks CAN shut the whole thing down, that doesn’t
mean duck rape it okay.
Me: Of
course not. And just because women CAN’T shut the whole thing down, doesn’t
mean they weren’t legitimately raped.
Ducky:
This Akin guy is a douchebag.
Me:
Douchasaurus, actually.
That post is NOT kind of offensive. It's not offensive in the slightest. In fact, more people need to read it.
ReplyDeletelol (pardon me for laughing - I like the treatment) ... Totally agree with the sentiments and like Keith said - not offensive in the least.
ReplyDeletelol (pardon me for laughing - I like the treatment) ... Totally agree with the sentiments and like Keith said - not offensive in the least.
ReplyDeleteVery funny. You have to give a little prop to the dumbass for giving us "the most asinine line EVER" to make fun of. I am nearly finding his apology commercial as dumbassery and douchy as the original interview. Oh, wait, nothing could top that.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I Googled "vagina trapdoor" and you owe me my innocence. Second, I have learned way more about duck sex and anatomy than I could ever have imagined. This was great. Screw the Discovery Channel, I have Mayor Gia.
ReplyDeleteVagina trapdoor, ughhhhh.
ReplyDeleteMy friend has a pond in her backyard that has always had a family of ducks in it, and there was one old grandpa duck that would just rape everyone. Seriously, everyone. No duck was safe. He would chase down the rest of the family and rape them all. I think they had to eventually put him down because of his excessive raping.
Oh My Word. Definitely not offensive, definitely very funny. I'm with the duck and you, these guys should really stop discussing rape altogether.
ReplyDeleteMayor Gia, this is simply first class journalism. Honestly, If you would ever like to interview a Jackalope regarding some really, really important topic, please use the Jack-O-phone and give me a ring-O. Yours truly, The Lonesome Jackalope.
ReplyDeletePS. I'm not directly related to Pickelope. He's just a friend of my second cousin. And he was not really innocent. He just looks that way.
This goes right up there with Whoopie saying "It wasn't rape-rape" maybe she was onto something... Buggers.
ReplyDelete"unwanted penis intrusion" Lost my shit over this.
ReplyDeleteDouchasaurus, indeed! Maybe Akin needs a duck to explain things in a quacking sort of way. You are really on to something!
ReplyDeleteI want a vagina trap door dammit! Or just vagina dentata. I really don't think that's too much to ask.
ReplyDeleteThat guy is an ignoramous rex. That's even more powerful than the douchasaurus.
The fact that he can hold political office in America speaks volumes about what is wrong with our political system.
ReplyDeleteAwesome Gia! Love this!
ReplyDeleteOh, Todd Akin will never live this down. He will go to his grave with this following him. And the best part is that he's not backing down from his senate race. Someone needs to e-mail him all of our blog posts about him.
ReplyDeleteEspecially this one, since he might learn something about duck sex. I know I did.
Doucheasaurous is what I call my Ex. I reserve it for only the most vile of people. It fits Akin perfectly.
ReplyDeleteThis. Is. FANTASTIC.
ReplyDeleteAkin is hilarious. Reddit has been ragging on this guy for weeks and every time I see a blog making fun of him it makes my day.
ReplyDeleteI feel so sorry for anyone related to him.
law makes rape cases soo technical, yet it has so many loopholes that legitimate rapists can escape from.
ReplyDeleteI am mad at the guy, but maybe we have it all wrong. Perhaps his dream has always been to be a famous comic, and that line was his delivering comedy gold.
ReplyDelete