Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I'd Like You to Meet Allie

My profile picture is a drawing of Allie, my Sexy Alligator. She really exists, see:

Yes, that is nail polish on her toes (claws)? And lipstick. She has glitter on her too, but that’s harder to see.

So, how did I happen to come to own such a majestic creature, you ask? Well, she started out as an inside joke between me and Boyfriend. I met Boyfriend through our work, and it was an arduous, seven-month courtship before I finally convinced him to date me.  In the meantime, we gradually escalated our interactions from work email to inappropriate work email to gchatting.

Around the same time, we had a super annoying auditor in our office.  This conversation took place one day, before Boyfriend was boyfriend, and was just inappropriate coworker.

me: Gah!
  Sometimes I wish you were a real bear who'd maul people
  I'd sic you on auditor
Boyfriend: I'll kill her, but you have to dump her. You know all the spots in around here
me: If we lived in Florida we could feed her to gators, like on nip tuck
Boyfriend: Let's get one!
I have a creek
 me: Reallllly?
Boyfriend: yes a small one
So, I got Allie. I bought her from a store in the mall (I know, I know. Those places are just gator mills. I should have went to a breeder, but I was pressed for time). I wanted to name her Sasha Fierce or Fluffy, and Boyfriend wanted to name her Wendell. We settled on Allie.

He and I switched off caring for her (though she mainly stays at my place now, where he can visit). She acts quite differently around us, though. (She has a little crush on him. Dealing with our relationship has been hard for her, but she's coping.) Around him, she pretends to like golf:

Insert your own balls-in-mouth joke here

And spends time in his creek:

But at least she makes friends:

Boyfriend didn’t understand that she is a classy gator, though. At first he was a little confused about how to get her home:

She was NOT pleased.

But he learned.
I think Allie is much more comfortable with me. She’s really quite the girly girl, who likes clubbing:

Allie tried to sneak into my bag so I'd bring her out (and it matched her nail polish). Unfortunately most places have a very strict anti gator policy. Stupid closed minded bastards. Integration is the new frontier!!

And reading cosmo:

We have the same awesome taste in music:
But even Allie hates that cover art.

Shes a young gator, though, and still a bit immature:

She's just curious, is all.

And maybe not completely trained:

Ducky is not food!

But gosh, she’s cute. And when it comes to important things, she takes after me. 


  1. Gators LOVE Cosmo. I learned that from nature documentaries. But for a change of pace, wouldn't Allie Google "clothed alligators" being that they're naked all the time? I love your demented sense of humor. Big fan.

  2. Thank you! Allie wanted to type "Naked gators in scandalous poses!!" but it was just too much for her tiny claws.