Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Car Decals: Cranky.


Another car decal!


I made this one for tired/grumpy Boyfriend, because I accidentally made him sleepy last weekend. And he's been working super hard lately and work is icky. And he likes cursing. I'm sure he's not the only one out there with these qualities, though...


Monday, January 30, 2012

Scattered Update: Sister Got a Kindle.


My sister’s birthday was last week, so I went home last weekend to give her the kindle fire I wrote about here

It went…alright. When I first gave it to her this happened:

A few seconds later:


And as predicted:



So, we spent most of the weekend figuring it out. It’s not taking her long to get used to how much quicker the kindle is than her stupid terrible laptop, so I think she’ll like it. Eventually.

Nothing terribly entertaining came up around the kindle, but she did drop these gems:

1. This is an election year, right?



I brought up the SC primary, and that came out. Nuff said. [And not to get all political, but seriously? They'd rather vote for an adulterer than a mormon? It's okay that to be whoring it up around town when your wife has cancer, but it's not okay to have secret magical Jesus underwear? Seriously?!? I don't really care what religion you are, but I do care if you're a shitty person. Hey Newt, YOU'RE A SHITTY PERSON. Okay, I'm done talking politics. Don't hate me please.]

2. Want some ice with that wine?

She was getting white zin for herself and her friend, and her friend said no thanks. When my sis handed it to her, the friend went “Oh, it’s cold already! Why would I need ice?” EXACTLY, friend.

3. I don’t like maps.

The last thing that bugged me was not an incident exactly. Mostly, it’s her general inability to understand where places are in relation to one another due to her unwillingness to look at maps. She tried to argue with me that it made sense for me to go with my parents' house to another town together rather than drive myself.  But in reality it’s like this:



CLEARLY, it’d be a huge waste of time for us to carpool. I pulled up googlemaps and tried to show her, but she kept going “I don’t want to look.” Seriously?!??! YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE THINGS ARE.

Cue me shrilly yelling: LOOK AT THE MAP!! LOOK AT THE MAP!!!!!

Ay ya yi.


Friday, January 27, 2012

An Interview with a Boyfriend - Part II


Yaaay, the second half of Boyfriend’s guest post! Part I is here. Same warning applies. This is going to be filthy. (I tried to clean it up a bit with my redacting...)


[Also, I think some of you may have gotten the impression that I wrote the questions and Boyfriend answered. But I want to set the record straight: Boyfriend did the entire interview, except for the comments in red (and the questions submitted by you wonderful readers)! He gets credit with the questions and answers and everything. Cuz he's super smart. He made all the funny.]

We left off with Boyfriend making inappropriate comments about my sister. Grrrrr. 

Blog: This has gotten twisted.
Boyfriend:  Yeah, but her followers are totally sick too, so I think they are hanging in there.  In fact, have you seen some of their blogs?  Some of these people need help, fast.  Though I think I read that [redacted] has a thing for old guys too, so I may have a shot at that some day.
OEFNWIBWW WHAT?!?!

Blog: You really are an asshole.
Boyfriend: Guilty.
I’mma make you pay.

Blog:  So she loves [redacted], huh?
Boyfriend:  Who, the follower?  No idea.  But Gia, yeah, she’s insatiable.  Her hobbies are wine, [redacted], wine, this blog, [redacted] and eating tums.
…that’s about right.

Blog: Is it true that you encouraged her to start this blog?
Boyfriend: Yes, she had drawn some pics and had some super funny ideas that she was always tossing out, so I encouraged her to start a blog.  It’s her latest obsession.
I started with this craptastic pic:


Blog:  She is hilarious and talented.  Is that why you like her?
Boyfriend: She is adorable and smart and funny and very kind.  She likes me a lot for whatever reason, so that is also very nice.  She rarely is bitchy or cunty with me, which is very unusual for a woman.  We have a lot in common, work well together and don’t seem to have a lot of conflict.  Of course we only see each other twice a week, so that’s a good way to keep things fresh.  Note to married people.  See each other less.  You’re welcome.
Awwwww isn’t he sweet?!? I take back the “I will murder you” thing.

Blog:  Moving on…..I think Gia would also like you to say that she is super hot and sexy.
Boyfriend:  [robot voice] Yes.  Gia…is… super… hot… and…. sexy.
Aww, you really think so? *bats eyelashes*

Blog: Not that sincere.
Boyfriend:  Whatever.  Our sex is pretty awesome, though.
BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!!


Blog: You seem a little wary of the “L” word, though?
Boyfriend:  Why go there Bloggy?  We use “lime”, as in “I lime you”.  It came from an autocorrect of “like”.  That’s as close as we’re getting.  I’m incapable of romantic love.

Blog:  Odd, you seem pretty romantic (cough, cough, choke).
Boyfriend: I’m going to have that grumpy lioness eat your ass, motherfucker.    Anyway, I believe in a deeper kind of love.  Romantic love is just lust dressed up nice.  If you really love someone then it wouldn’t go away.  Romantic love goes away all the time, because it isn’t real.  You can never not love your kids or your dog for example.  That’s real love.

Blog:  But be honest, you really, really like her though, don’t you?  You could call it love?
Boyfriend:  What the fuck, Blog!  We don’t use that word! EVER!
…except that one time, when he accidentally used it. :P

Blog: Settle, Boyfriend, settle.  10-2, 10-2 [Apparently this is a reference to driving, putting your hands at 10 and 2. I hadn’t ever heard of it as a phrase to calm down before.]
Boyfriend:  She’s very special to me.  If I did believe in something other than “lime”, then I would have that for Gia.
Awwwwwwwwwwww you guys, isn’t that so sweet?!?!? I swear I didn’t even guilt him about the L-word nonsense!! (I’m not going to let a great relationship be determined by one’s willingness to say a four letter word to one another. If I did, the relationship would never have gotten off the ground- woulda been halted at his first “cunt”. Meh, they’re just words.)

Blog: Fair enough.  You’ve said in a comment that Gia is “The World’s Best Girlfriend,” except for two things.  Care to elaborate?
Boyfriend:  Let’s just say that one of them has to do with [redacted] that occurred during an aborted DVD viewing of Sucker Punch.  I don’t want to ever relive that moment.  Not going near the other one.
…no comment. I was having an off day.

Blog:  Oh, sorry.
Boyfriend: Yeah, my [redacted] looked like it had been put in a blender.  Don’t know how she made it through college.  
That is an exaggeration. 

Blog:  You make her sound kinda slutty.
Boyfriend:  She’s slutty with me, which is good.  She isn’t whory, though.  On second thought, she might put out in exchange to keep the demons that live outside of her apartment away.  They are pretty scary.
Wait, what? Boyfriend, you said it was just the wind making those noises and there was no such thing as demons! You told me not to be scared!!!!

Blog:  One follower of the blog wanted to know if the gchat re-enactments are real.
Boyfriend:  100%.  There may be some editing to take out even more offensive stuff, but they’re all basically what we wrote.  The roof, New Orleans, new girl all real.  Some of the others might make an appearance.  Might also be put in Guantanamo for some of it.
ARE THE DEMONS REAL OR NOT!??! …I think I need some holy water.

Blog:  Speaking of New Orleans, did you know that there were zombie sluts?


Boyfriend:  I had no idea that there were such things before Gia came up with it.  What really surprised me was that other women who follow the blog also worry about them!  WTF!  The closest I got to a zombie slut was that horrible experience watching Sucker Punch.  And that was in another state..  So much blood.
There was no blood.

Blog:  You’re not REALLY an atheist, right?
Boyfriend:  The last time that came up it was suggested by a Follower that I be hung up and beaten with a stick like a piƱata, so I’m not really going to comment.  Can I just leave it that I don’t have much respect for/belief in organized so-called western religions, but that I’m more like a stripper.  I’m not religious, I am very spiritual.   I am deeply moral without the threat of hell.  I won’t invade your country, rape your children, kill innocents, hate your sexuality or color all in the name of an imaginary sky master, who apparently loves you deeply.  Shit.  Went too far again, huh?
....a sexy stripper. (Yes, Boyfriend knows that not ALL religions or religious people do that.  Please don't hate me, reader. I'm sure he's not referring to you.)

Blog:  They hated you before.  Now they rilly, rilly, rilly, hate you. 
Boyfriend: What if I buy them all pearls?



Blog: That would be a start.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Car Decals: Duck


Another Car Decal!


For the ducks who drive. What’s that? Ducks can’t get their license? DISCRIMINATION. 



I know I know. I like ducks too much. But you know what? I’m not sorry.




In other news, thank you to the Ginja Ninja for this award!!!


I would tell you guys something about myself, but you already know too much. And you're going to learn a lot more tomorrow, when I post Part II of Boyfriend's guest post!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

An Interview with a Boyfriend - Part I


This is Boyfriend.

Hi all! So, Boyfriend finally agreed to do a guest post, and get interviewed by the blog.  It’s a bit long (that’s that she said), so I’m breaking it up into two posts. Here’s Part I. It’s filthy. Seriously, like more filthy than usual, so consider yourself warned. My comments are in red – I just couldn’t resist chiming in.

Blog:  Welcome Boyfriend, thanks for the interview.
Boyfriend:  Okay, fine.  Let’s get on with it.

Blog: Why so cranky?
Boyfriend: I’m old and I don’t have much time, so can we please move this along.  I’m sure there are some kids to chase off my lawn or some ear hair to trim. So, chop, chop Bloggy.
He’s not that old. He’s being funny.

Blog: I can see why Gia likes you so much.  You’re a peach!  Anyhoo, let’s start at the beginning.  Is Gia’s account of your courtship accurate?
Boyfriend:  Yes, she hunted pursued stalked courted me for what she claims was 7months through gchat and other forms of flirting.  It was weird and creepy, but she let me say incredibly filthy things to her through gchat.  I thought she liked it.  Turns out not so much.   Our first date consisted of dinner, massive sexual tension and then hotel sex.  How romantic and sweet!  She’s very old school.  Old school with pedophile priests that is.
Okay, to clarify: I totally liked the dirty stuff. It was when he was being mean to me to try to drive me away (ha!) that I could have done without sometimes. Not all the time, just a little. 

Also, I’m Catholic. You already knew this.

Blog: Why would she do all of that? It sounds kinda sick.
Boyfriend:  Uh, well she is pretty much an ambulatory mental patient, so when her OCD kicks in there isn’t much you can do to get away.  She’s a boulder rolling down a steep hill. The voices drive her and at some point resistance is futile.  
Hahahhaha…what? Haa…

Blog: Wait, are you *trying* to get away?
Boyfriend: Well we don’t talk about the “d” word (dump) because I don’t like it when she does that hyperventilation thing and starts moaning like a wounded walrus [a-hem].  Anyway it’s a cross between the Stockholm Syndrome and fear that keeps me with her.
I will murder you.

Blog:  Explain the fear.
Boyfriend:  Well her most recent Google searches were “How to dispose of a body” and “How long does human flesh take to decompose” so that might be a hint.
I can totes explain that.

Blog: To be fair, you did search for “How to dump your girlfriend” on her computer, no? [oh, bloggy explained it!]
Boyfriend: Yeah, in retrospect that was a mistake.  There was a good video though.  I think a text message is the best way, fyi.  But, since I don’t want the brake lines on my car cut or to drink poison in my whiskey, I’m staying put for now.
Good decision on your part, babe.

Blog: Going back a step, why do you think she likes you.
Boyfriend: Again, unresolved daddy issues and OCD.  She claims I’m mean and sweet, which is a pretty solid description.  I am pretty mean.  She also has a straight up old guy fetish (Colin Firth makes her hot), loves [redacted] and free dinners, so I’m ideal.  Oh and I give good presents.
Seriously? You’re sweet and you listen to me bitch and you’re funny and smart and hot and you put up with my craziness. And you’re good at fixing things and you cook me food and you cuddle with me. And a bunch of other things too but these come to mind right now.

Blog: Passing on that.  How horrible do you two look together?
Boyfriend:  It’s pretty disgusting.  Despicable really.  I’m 1,000 and she’s 12 or something, so yeah we make people uncomfortable in public.  We also look like the number 10 if you look at us from behind.

Blog: I’m not touching that.
Boyfriend: I wouldn’t.  
Actually, we’re adorable. See: 


Blog: Has she told her parents about your unholy alliance yet?
Boyfriend:  Are you insane!  They still think she’s a virgin.  If they knew the half of it, their heads would explode and then they’d make her go to a convent.  She can’t even tell her friends about this blog!  I’m about the same age as her mom [no, he’s younger], so how creepy would that be.  She also has a freakishly religious sister who is nearly 30 and supposedly a virgin.  Has a weird religious tattoo on her wrist.  (Strangely hot)  That crew would make the best reality show ever.  Just the convos about white zin and ice would be priceless.  Jersey Shore meets Rednecks on Vacation meets the 700 Club meets Drinking Made Easy. Winner!
YOU THINK MY SISTER’S TATTOO IS HOT?? You stay AWAY from her!!!!


Okay. I’m stopping the interview at this point, so I can go find out what *exactly * Boyfriend meant by my sister’s “strangely hot” tattoo.  Stay tuned for the second half on Friday -- the really juicy stuff comes out then!




[UPDATE: Part II is here]

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Car Decals: Zombie Sluts


It’s time for another Car Decal! Here you go:



For the zombie sluts out there. Do zombie sluts drive cars? I’m not sure, but if they
do, this is the sticker for them.



I’d really prefer if all zombie sluts were forced to put this decal on their car, so I know who they are and can keep them away from Boyfriend. Too much? I don't think so.


Also, tomorrow's a big day for the blog - part I of Boyfriend's guest post goes up! Stay tuned!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Two Unrelated But Awesome Things!


First, thanks to B from The Opposite of That for giving me the Overlord Award! She’s great and I love power so it’s super appreciated. 

Secondly, guess what guess what?!? I GOT A NEW BED!!! What, that’s not exciting to you? Well, remember the time I drunk blogged about my crappy bed and drew pictures about how uncomfortable (and LOUD) it was? Well, I did. And now I have a new one!!!

It’s a QUEEN, everyone. Which actually fits nicely into my overlord award:



I got it on crazy clearance, because a store near me was trying to unload their inventory before they closed for renovations. The only downside is that it’s a dual bed, so half is very plush and the other half is firm (you can feel like a dip in the middle).  It works for me, because I always sleep on one side of the bed, and I wanted something very soft and cozy. 

Like snoozing on a cloud...
I HOPE Boyfriend likes it, because the side he’s stuck on is a bit firmer (though there’s a pillowtop thing on the whole bed). Our conversation before it got delivered went something like this:

Me: (for the hundredth time) I hope you like it
Boyfriend: It’s more important that YOU like it. It’s YOUR bed.
Me: But I know I’ll like my side. I hope you like yours. 
Boyfriend: I’m sure it’ll be good
Me: I mean it’s kind of firm but you don’t like things too plushy
Boyfriend: It’ll have to be better than what you have now
Me: You’ll probably like it…
Boyfriend: I’m sure I’ll like it
Me: Even if you don’t like it, will you pretend that you like it?
Boyfriend: Absolutely. I’m definitely going to tell you I like it. I’m not an idiot.
Me: But you think you’ll really like it f’reals, though, right?
Boyfriend: I. Will. Like. It. 

Anyway, then it got delivered and he SAID he liked it, but I’m not so sure. 


Can I get a lie detector for this?
I like it. Except for the fact that I’ve had neck/back pains for a few days. Buuut, I’m just hoping my back is adjusting to actually having a nice bed and that’ll go away soon. Or something. 

Anyway this is the old bed:



And here’s the new one:


At least Boyfriend’s feet no longer hang over the edge.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Boyfriend's Golf Game


As I’ve referenced before, Boyfriend thinks I’m quite the golf jinxer. I strongly disagree. He claims that when he plays, something like this happens:






I think it was more of a convenient excuse for when he played a bad hole. And/or he gets super distracted by me because I’m so awesome and totally a sex goddess.


Anyway, I couldn’t have been that big of a jinx, because Boyfriend’s team won their tournament!  Remember, I made him a trophy already:
clicky to read

But last week, he got another! See:


He texted me a pic of it after his golf party last Friday. The following texting ensued:

Me: Fancy!!! Who gets to keep it?
Boyfriend: Everyone got one. Has my name on it!
Me: Oh holy crap that’s awesome!! It looks like you…the tall guy on it
Boyfriend: That is what someone else said too
Me: Yep. You’re clearly mvp. You’re my mvp!
Boyfriend: Didn’t even play! [Okay, the actual tournament was when he was vacationing in Oregon]
Me: You played all season
Boyfriend: Not in the playoffs
Me: Hey you got them to the playoffs
Boyfriend: Yeah ok
Me: Because I’m such a good luck charm!!
Boyfriend: Uhhggghhhgggg
Me: Did you just come?
Boyfriend: Stroke
Me: Yeah you were strokin’ it alright….

Anyhoo now that I've got the obligatory filthy texting out of the way, which trophy is better? It’s totally okay if you say mine, I’m sure Boyfriend won’t be upset.  

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Magnet Story Again: Save a Tree, Eat Beaver



So, you wanna hear an embarrassing story from childhood? Yes, yes you do.

Well, I was a sassy little middle schooler.

 As we’ve already established, I was also a vegetarian bad ass. And I liked irony. So when I saw a magnet that said SAVE A TREE, EAT BEAVER, I had to buy it.



It was funny to me, because I’m a vegetarian and I’d never eat an animal over a plant, and yet that’s what the magnet was telling you to do.  My logic was this:


So, I kept it in my locker for three years in middle school. Then I brought it home when I graduated, and stuck it on our refrigerator. Where it stayed. For about four years. 

Guys, I’m just gonna let that sink in for a minute. Every single day, my mom, dad, sister, and I walked by a magnet on our fridge that said “Save a Tree, Eat Beaver.” 

......

Yep.


Finally, one day in high school, I heard a teacher yell at a student who was wearing a t shirt that had a picture of a “shaved beaver” on it (the animal, pervs). He made the kid turn the shirt inside out, and I finally got a clue as to what a “beaver” could possibly refer to. But by that time, I had forgotten about the magnet.

A few months later, I was looking at the fridge and I finally noticed the magnet. Like, really noticed it.





I was mortified. Did anyone in my family know what it meant? Or any of the friends who came by? Especially my sister’s – they were four years older than I was. Or my parents friends – did any of them see it and wonder why there was references to oral lady sex on the fridge!!? I promptly took it down and put it in a drawer in my room where it started throughout college.

I found it a few weeks ago and decided, “Fuck it, I’m an adult now.” And I brought it to my apartment and stuck it on my fridge. Because I’m still a little bit of a bad ass.


Obvi, I’m going to hide it when my mom comes to visit.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

SOPA

Hi. So, I was going to post a real post today (it was actually up for like 40 minutes), but then I realized I its SOPA protest day, and instead of a post, you're just getting a link to go here and learn more.


Tomorrow, you'll hear about my embarrassing story about my childhood. You're welcome, internet.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Car Decals: Robot Girlfriend


Hey, you guys know how people have those decals on their cars that are super annoying? And then those funny ones started showing up on the internet like the girl with the ax that says “I’ll kill your family” or one girl surrounded by a ton of cats? (Me one day.) Well, I’ve come up with a bunch more that I think should exist. I’m going to start posting them a couple of times a week – to replace my “Christmas Animals” feature, for the time being.

So, here’s the first one:

Robot Girlfriend and her Robot Cat
For the robot girlfriend, obviously, and her robot cat. It’d look something like this on a car:

*bzzt* Ro-bot girl-friend likes stick-ers *bzzt*




ALSO, I am aware that that Friday's post maybe made it look like I wasn't going to post on Monday (because I had the day off work). So, if you didn't see yesterday's post about Allie and the polar bear, I strongly recommend you scrolling down or clicking here to check it out. It's much better than today's post. That is all. 

Monday, January 16, 2012

An Interview with a Polar Bear (and Alligator)


As you guys may recall, Boyfriend got me a polar bear for Christmas:


We have decided to name him Popsicle the Polar Bear.

Boyfriend got him for me because he believes a polar bear cries every time I use a blowdryer and wanted to me to have a reminder of what I was destroying. However, Popsicle isn’t exactly the crying type.

Popsicle: DEATH TO BLOWDRYERS!!!
He's a bit militant.

Me: Popsicle, we’ve talked about this.
Popsicle: They’re terrible for the environment! I’m covered in fur and you don’t see me blowing hot air at my head. 
Me: It’s not the same.  Look, the blowdryer isn’t so bad, now is it?

Popsicle: OH MY GOD.
Me: What? What is it?
Popsicle: YOUR MURDERED A ZEBRA!??
Me: What? Oh no Pop it’s just a design…
Yes, he's hugging the blowdryer
Popsicle: How could you?! AN INNOCENT ZEBRA! What, was destroying my people not enough?!?!
Allie: Hey guys, whats up? Ooooh, a ZEBRA!

CHOMP CHOMP

Allie: It doesn’t taste very good.
Me: It’s NOT A REAL ZEBRA! 
Allie: Who’s the new guy? 
Me: Allie, meet Popsicle the Polar Bear
Allie: Ooo you single?
Popsicle: I have no time for the ladies! I must focus all my energy on my crusade against blowdryers!! 
Allie: I don’t have a blowdryer, but I’m a fan of blowing…
Popsicle: …hmm...

You have a large mouth…


…and pointy teeth. Like I was saying, no time! Must fight the blowdryers!
Me: Oh come on!
Popsicle: Why do you even need this piece of devil equipment?
Me: Look, this is my hair without a blowdryer:

Me: And this is it with it:


Popsicle: Wow. A blowdryer does all that?
Me: Well, that and my straightener.
Popsicle: Your what?
Me: Hair straightener. See?

Popsicle: *Looks in horror* OH MY GOD IT’S…
Me: -It’s not a real-
Popsicle: ...A SNOW LEOPARD. ARE THERE NO LIMITS TO YOUR MURDEROUS WAYS?
Me: *facepalm*

Allie: Hey hey hey pay attention to meeeee!!
Look at me look at me look at me

Popsicle: I’m so done with all of you right now. This interview is over.
Hmph!

Well, alright then. There’s your introduction to Popsicle.  Looks like I’m going to have to start blowdrying my hair in secret. Le sigh.