Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Attic Squeaking


So, I’m moving this weekend, away from craptastic apartment with all its problems. Of course, the apartment has to get me one more time before I go. Now, it’s this squeaking noise I hear by my closet, where the door to the attic is.
  
I’ve decided it must be one of the following:

1. Filled with mice

2. Filled with rats

They look like bigger mice, right?

3. Shoddy piping

...I wouldn't be able to see that.

4. Filled with birds
Argh. Birds and their motherfucking chirping.

5. Filled with bats. Do bats squeak?
I think they do. 

6. Filled with demons
 Assholes. 

That last one seems more likely. Boyfriend told me to open the closet door. I said NO FUCKING WAY until all my stuff is out of the closet and I have running shoes on and a baseball bat to beat away all the things that could come attack me. Shudder.

30 comments:

  1. If you do go up there, bring a glass of holy water, and wear/bring all your lacrosse gear (if you don't have any, buy some) the pads will protect your vitals and the stick with the net thing will come in handy for ghost catching. (I think it's the screams of the dead which sounds like squeaking because their screams have to traverse the entire afterlife to make it to your attic. That's reasonable, right?)

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  2. I'm amazed you didn't consider that it was zombie sluts, chasing the spoor of boyfriend.
    Yes, bats squeak, but humans can't hear it.

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  3. My neighbors had flying squirrels and the flying squirrels attracted snakes! It was a horror movie come to life in their attic! Glad you are moving away from the demons!!

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  4. I hate hate hate the Unidentifiable Apartment Sound! Is it some kind of animal? Is it a robber? Is it the elephant family that apparently lives upstairs? IS IT SATAN???

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  5. Ugh, I would hate that! Here the houses are made out of bricks and concrete - so no squeaking. Also, windows all have metal bars on them - makes sense to me lol

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  6. We have TONS of birds in our attic this year. They all just had babies and wake me with squeaky chirps of hunger at the crack of dawn. There has to be at least 50 in there.... I need a shotgun. I'm tired.

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  7. Uh...Let Boyfriend open the closet door.

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  8. It could be squirrels too. I lived in a house that was infested with squirrels in the attic. Infested I tell you! And then the landlord had a pest control guy come over and lay traps...the sticky kind - like giant fly traps? Not the humane kind, which I was A-Okay with because squirrels and demons are pretty much the same in my book.

    And then we heard such god-awful squeaking and crying - YES! Freaking CRYING squirrels! And when the pest guy came back a week later, all the traps were covered in BABY SQUIRRELS!!

    I think I screwed up my karma that day.

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  9. What if it's filled with puppies? With squeaky chewy toys?
    Wouldn't you want to know?
    What about the puppies?

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  10. It could be a horde of paparazzi that inconveniantly got trapped in your attic while chasing what they thought to be Stuart Little from the movie Stuart Little.

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  11. You're right. It is best to leave the bird/bat/rat/mice/demons undisturbed. Don't open the door!

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  12. It's probably demon birds. Do NOT open that door!

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  13. This is a job for Super-Boyfriend. He must come rescue Mayor Gia from hellacious, blood-sucking bats!

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  14. Lots of positive vibes aimed at you for your move Gia. For example: I am POSITIVE you won't leave anything behind by mistake and have to return. Also, I am POSITIVE you and your assorted helpers (you DO have help, right?) will remember to lift with your legs and NOT your backs! Take care sweetie. Looking forward to your post about how awesome the new digs are!

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  15. Demons are always top of the list! You better call an old priest and a young priest to perform and exorcism immediately.

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  16. Lol. I vote demons too. That's just more fun than bats. We have someone living 1 floor above us that I swear sits and drops marbles on the tiles above my head - but only when I'm watching tv. Over and over and over. Makes me nuts.

    By the way - I would like to pass on a Liebster award to you. I absolutely love reading your blog. Check it out here:
    http://followingthemasala.blogspot.in/2012/05/one-in-which-i-blush-and-simper-and.html

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  17. Logically speaking, there are no demons above your apartment. But if it were me, I'd totally start sleeping with a night-light.

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  18. When I bought my house everyone was like, "Your attic is HUGE. You could store so much stuff up there. You could maybe even build on an extra room." I just smiled as I thought to myself, "I will never even open up those two little doors to the attic. Attics are where flowers are kept and girls sleep with their brothers. There are scary things in attics."

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  19. My Christmas decorations are in my attic, along with a few other things I don't need on a regular basis. For example, an old water heater is up there. I don't know why anyone would put an old water heater in an attic, but maybe demons are inside the old water heater and that's why my doggies bark at 3 a.m.

    Love,
    Janie

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  20. LOL! I believe there are only animals and/or insects in your attic orchestrating ;)

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  21. I fully agree...demons are asshole...much like children. And the squeak just as much too. Maybe there are some squeeky asshole kids in there. That's my theory.

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  22. Oh my. Luckily we just had our house inspected and there isn't anything up here. But we once lived in an apartment that had mice IN THE WALLS. THE WALLS! Running NEXT TO MY HEAD while I "slept." Ugh. Good luck!

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  23. Careful if it's bats...Their poo is toxic!

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  24. Bats kind of squeak when one somehow finds its way into your living room and is being chewed on by your kittens, who think you've bought them the best toy ever. Ask me how I know.

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  25. Definitely the demons. They are stretching their limbs before the big battle in December. I can't wait!

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  26. I'm with Ash-Matic. What if it's a bunch of little puppies with puppy breath? Or kittens sweet little mewing kittens with balls of string.

    ~The G is Silent

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  27. I once lived in a house with an attic full of bats. Seriously? It sucked.

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  28. Ha ha ha! It's not funny, but your drawings. are. awesome.

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