Mayor Gia: witches scare me

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The Salem Witch Trials

(a retelling by Mayor Gia)

In the spirit of Halloween, I’ve decided to retell the Salem Witch Trials.

Back in 1692, a couple of girls decided it would be fun to start spreading foul and odious lies about people in their village.

Poor Gia was accused of witchcraft, and brought before a judge. The judge also happened to be her Boyfriend. He was somewhat intimidated by her and her trendy hat and multiple cats.

Me, bitter? What?

So poor Gia was burned at the stake.

And Boyfriend thought he was free.

But Boyfriend was not that lucky.

So that’s how I like to think the Salem Witch Trials happened. I like this version much better than the real story, where a bunch of innocent women were murdered because bitches be cray.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Houses (Part II)

So, I’d like to expand on Seaside Town Houses. Particularly #2. Crazy Old People’s Homes.

Lots and lots of dolphin statues (and tiny cherubic children). But we stumbled upon one house that I’m pretty sure is occupied by a witch.

Exhibit A:

You think that’s a bunch of children praying to the Virgin Mary, eh? That’s not Mary. That’s the witch with a shawl on. She uses children to do her evil bidding. It lets the other witches know she is the Most Powerful Witch ever.

Exhibit B:

Aww, cute little boyfriend-and-girlfriend pig statues, right? WRONG. Clearly, a man once wronged her, so the witch turned him and his harlot into pigs! And then into statues! If you stared into their eyes, you could see their souls crying.

Exhibit C:

Tra la la what’s that? OH IT’S A GIANT UNICORN STATUE. Well…okay, unicorns are pretty kickass. I named this one Starlight. I bet it belonged to Good Witch. Evil witch murdered her and stole Starlight. She uses the horn’s magic to stay young forever. Or fly.

Other Evidence: Um, we didn’t get pictures of the whole backyard because I was getting a little spooked and I was scared the witch would come after Boyfriend, but there was lots more statues. Including a pregnant or obese squirrel statue on a birdbath. Either the witch was angry at a pregnant woman so she turned her into a squirrel statue, OR she hated that squirrel that so she made an example out of it. Let’s just say all the other squirrels were keeping their distance.

AND – I totally got a few weird hive-type things on my arm, hand, and face after giggling with Boyfriend outside of the witch’s house. My fault, I know. I’m not saying she definitely hexed me, buuuuuuut that’s probably what happened. So yeah.

Conclusion: DEFINITELY a witch. We don’t even need to tie her up and throw her in a river to see if she’ll float so we can light her on fire. Witch.

Excuse me, I’ll be off buying magical protection crystals to guard myself and my loved ones. Let’s hope the witch doesn’t read blogs.