Mayor Gia’s Creation Story

[Linking up with yeahwrite and the speakeasy!]

Okay, if anyone gets offended by this post, let me first tell you that Boyfriend gave me this idea.

The basic premise is that I’m going to retell Bible stories for you, through my interpretation. You’re welcome, world. We’re starting with the Creation Story.

Well, there’s two creation stories back to back in the Bible…I think this one is the second one. Not where God created everything and then men and women and then he rested. The one where he created man first and created stuff around man for him to play with. (Yeah, I don’t know too many Bible stories. No, I have not consulted a Bible in this blog post.) Okay, here we go.

In the beginning, God created man.

Yes, in my drawings God is a cloud.

I figured heart boxers are more fun than fig leaves.

God then created plants for man to frolick in.

Okay then, for man to hang out in.

FINE. Then God created animals for man to name.

Click to make bigger. So you can admire my work more. 

Boyfriend Man and his fishing...

God realized man needed a companion.

And then God created Gia Woman.

And then God created regret.

The End.

Rapturistic.

I got this email from Boyfriend:

He tried to convince me he went up in the Rapture. I'm calling shenanigans. I see some fundamental flaws with this photo:

1. Why are his shoes the only clothing left behind? His pants are holy enough to go with him, but his shoes aren't? Unless he was completely naked except for running shoes, which is a possibility. Hmm.

2. Seriously, there is no WAY he's making it to heaven before me. See rape jokes. 

3. Ok, maybe he'd leave his kids. And maybe he'd leave me. But he would definitely NOT leave his dog. 

3a. She looks rather unimpressed by his supposed naked floating away in the sky.

Results: fake

He won't be able to get rid of me that easily. 

I'd Like You to Meet Allie

My profile picture is a drawing of Allie, my Sexy Alligator. She really exists, see:

Yes, that is nail polish on her toes (claws)? And lipstick. She has glitter on her too, but that’s harder to see.

So, how did I happen to come to own such a majestic creature, you ask? Well, she started out as an inside joke between me and Boyfriend. I met Boyfriend through our work, and it was an arduous, seven-month courtship before I finally convinced him to date me.  In the meantime, we gradually escalated our interactions from work email to inappropriate work email to gchatting.

Around the same time, we had a super annoying auditor in our office.  This conversation took place one day, before Boyfriend was boyfriend, and was just inappropriate coworker.

me: Gah!

  Sometimes I wish you were a real bear who'd maul people

  I'd sic you on auditor

Boyfriend: I'll kill her, but you have to dump her. You know all the spots in around here

me: If we lived in Florida we could feed her to gators, like on nip tuck

Boyfriend: Let's get one!

I have a creek

 me: Reallllly?

Boyfriend: yes a small one

me: WOOOHOO!

  

So, I got Allie. I bought her from a store in the mall (I know, I know. Those places are just gator mills. I should have went to a breeder, but I was pressed for time). I wanted to name her Sasha Fierce or Fluffy, and Boyfriend wanted to name her Wendell. We settled on Allie.

He and I switched off caring for her (though she mainly stays at my place now, where he can visit). She acts quite differently around us, though. (She has a little crush on him. Dealing with our relationship has been hard for her, but she's coping.) Around him, she pretends to like golf:

Insert your own balls-in-mouth joke here

And spends time in his creek:

But at least she makes friends:

Boyfriend didn’t understand that she is a classy gator, though. At first he was a little confused about how to get her home:

She was NOT pleased.

But he learned.

I think Allie is much more comfortable with me. She’s really quite the girly girl, who likes clubbing:

Allie tried to sneak into my bag so I'd bring her out (and it matched her nail polish). Unfortunately most places have a very strict anti gator policy. Stupid closed minded bastards. Integration is the new frontier!!

And reading cosmo:

We have the same awesome taste in music:

But even Allie hates that cover art.

Shes a young gator, though, and still a bit immature:

She's just curious, is all.

And maybe not completely trained:

Ducky is not food!

But gosh, she’s cute. And when it comes to important things, she takes after me.