This needs some context. It starts with some texting between me and Boyfriend on a Saturday, while I was strolling through CVS for some necessities (dish soap, toilet paper, Disney pumpkin carving kit don’t judge me).
Boyfriend: What now?
Me: I woke up at 3am cuz first roomie butt dialed me and then she took 5+ minutes to try to unlock the door. I figured it was her or a murder-rapist…
Boyfriend: Shoot no raping? [Sidenote: boyfriend is twisted.]
Me: …So I got up and let her in. Then her alarm started going off at 8 am in the kitchen so I had to turn it off.
She just asked me if I could give her a ride to her car.
Boyfriend: Would it be weird if you had an orgasm while you were being raped? I think you’d have to marry him :) [Clearly, no one explained the correct use of emoticons to boyfriend. He believes that tacking it on to something horrible makes it not horrible. Sort of like saying “No offense, but...” while saying something incredibly offensive. “No offense, but you’re dressed like a transgendered Thai sex worker.” Wow, I’m offended.]
Me: Who would marry someone who had an orgasm while being raped? I’m damaged goods
Boyfriend: Well the rapist isn’t really a hot commodity so it’s a good match.
Btw that isn’t what makes you damaged goods
Me: Don’t try to rape me.
Ahem, I think the appropriate response was “you’re not damaged”
Boyfriend: You wish
No more talk of raping or marrying. I was scared enough last night
Boyfriend: Oh sorry. You’re the picture of mental health
Me: You and me both sexypants
Also. I watched 2 more episodes of archer on your Netflix account last night and am 100% addicted to Netflix now. [Archer is hillaaaaarious. I highly recommend. And yes, I know I should get Netflix but right now roomie and I have cable, so I’m not shelling out more money for tv.]
Boyfriend: See. It’s like crack for youngsters [Remember: he's old.]
Boyfriend: First month’s free
Me: I knooow [Boyfriend offered to let me use his account, but that feels kind of dishonest. Plus I mooch off him enough. Read: ALL the time.]
Boyfriend: I’m on a roof.
Me: What? Are you smoking weed up there?
Be careful dear its windy and you’re skinny
I hope you had a big breakfast :/
[The multiple texts are where I start spinning. What if he falls? My parents had a cousin who died that way. What if he dies? I like him a lot and do not want that to happen. Also, its super windy out. Why today? What is he thinking?!?? He’s tall and skinny!! And why on earth is he TEXTING?!? He needs to focus on staying balanced!]
Boyfriend: I’m taking a dump. Roof Toilet installed! [This is a scrubs reference. I loooove scrubs, and made Boyfriend watch a few episodes the night before. He didn’t seem to enjoy it that much, but I consider this reference to be his blessing to force all nine seasons on him].
Five- ten minutes later
Me: You still on roof? [Note: I wanted to call him right then, but I was worried about him trying to answer his cell phone on the roof. I kept imagine him cleaning out the gutters and trying to fumble for his cell phone when it rang and falling off the roof and dying and how I’d be responsible because I’m the one who called him and I haven’t met him kids but I guess I would at the funeral and how awkward would THAT be because they know I exist but they have no idea I’m only about ten years older than they are and how I’d have to say sorry I killed your dad and that would all be terribly, terribly sad.]
Boyfriend: On ground. Ooooof.
WHEW. I immediately called him and asked him what business he had going up on a roof on such a windy day. He tried to argue the wind was going around/through him, but that’s total bs because its not like he’s porous. I argued that he’s tall and skinny and stick-like and that’s WAY more dangerous than being shorter and pumpkin-y, which is much more stable against wind. I drew this to illustrate my point. See? It’s science
[Also, I think he has a ghost in his attic.]