So, Boyfriend made a very innocent joke during a staff
meeting last week about OfficeCreep. The context was this:
If you guys need a reminder, OfficeCreep is the guy who
asked if I was sexually harassing Boyfriend, and generally enjoys making everyone uncomfortable.
Anyway, Boyfriend’s joke was no big deal, right? Wellllllll, the next morning Boyfriend tells
me that HR called him because OfficeCreep told HR and he fears for his safety
and thinks he’s a “target” because of what Boyfriend said. Boyfriend is
supposed to call OfficeCreep and apologize.
You
guys, this is some crazy bullshit. Last month during a birthday party for
another employee, OfficeCreep “joked” that our CEO needed to lose 30 pounds.
And then “joked” about the CEO walking on water (the implication being that he
thinks he’s Jesus). Oh, and he was making these jokes TO THE CEO, who wasn’t
really laughing. Now we have a relatively laid back office and the CEO is the
type who will let something like that go, but seriously WHAT THE FUCK?
Boyfriend’s
joke wasn’t even that bad! We all know OfficeCreep is loaded, he’s semi retired
and goes on vacations ALL the time and loves telling us how his vacations are
unpaid. But now he’s scared he’s a “target”? Like we’re going to mug
him?!?! I don’t understand. I can’t
even.
Anyhoo.
So Boyfriend and I came up with this list of totally hypothetical things you
can say to someone when you have to apologize but aren’t really sorry:
Gah!
Have you guys ever had to deal with something like this?!? Have any non
apologies to add to the list?
I love the third "apology". It could make Office Creep run to his mom crying.
ReplyDeleteWhat a shock that the OfficeCreep can't take a little joke when he expects everyone else to. Maybe someone else -achem cough you - could lodge a complaint against him for his creepery. Only a thought.
ReplyDelete"I'm sorry you deluded yourself into thinking you matter enough to be a target for anything and aren't just the usual afterthought that crosses people's minds when they flush the toilet." "Sorry that you're the personification of a parasitic tape worm without the benefits of weight loss." "I'm sorry you'll never find happiness and thus have to make everyone else's life walking misery."
Just a start.
What.A.Douche. I like the second one.
ReplyDeleteI am with boyfriend 100%. Forced apologies are not apologies at all, they are resentment machines. If anyone walks on water, it's Office Creep for the fact that he has never been reported before for his comments. If he has opened that can of worms, maybe it is time to make him eat a few of them.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible to go to HR and tell them all of these things? You know, without seeming like a tattle tail. Boyfriend could even say something like, "Office Creep always makes jokes like this, so I was just trying to be friendly toward him by making one in return. But he's said much worse than I have."
ReplyDeleteI agree with B&B. if its possible, you should make a complaint. It's no surprise though that someone who makes such unwanted comments can't take a joke himself.
ReplyDeleteSince he seems to have no social sensibilities, it shouldn't be any problem to use sarcasm to your benefit. I'm sure he will not catch on. Try this:
ReplyDelete"If you were offended, I am deeply, extremely, utterly apologetic. It was a joke, but I did have deeper intentions. I was merely trying to perpetuate your reputation as an incredibly rich vacationista, which I thought you would appreciate, since last time you were out of the office, everyone conjectured about how you might be dead, and we were all incredibly happy to discover that you were not.
However, if you do feel threatened, I would kindly suggest that you use some of your extravagant wealth to buy some personal protection. I want to emphasize that you will need protection only because of your wealth, and not for any reason related to your adorably charismatic personality. Love, Boyfriend."
I have to point out how bizarre it is that women chose clothing that reveal cleavage and then act as if others are not supposed to notice or react. Dave Chappelle is with me on this.
ReplyDeleteStill, that guy does have problems dealing well with others.
I haven't had that kind of forced apology experience, but last week on The Office creepy Todd Packer showed up and pretended he was in a 12-Step Program and was there to make amends. He gave everyone cupcakes laced with drugs and laxatives. Maybe Boyfriend needs to give an apology cupcake to Office Creep.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Like the way you tell a story. I would say:
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry that something I said as a joke may have offended you and make you afraid that for some reason I do not like you and might want to upset you or hurt you. I assure you I have no immediate plan to beat the snot out of you and you have no reason to fear that I would harm you in the near future and maybe ever...maybe.
Apologize for what?? That is super lame.
ReplyDeleteYour drawing of OfficeCreep reminds me of Chevy Chase on Community.
ReplyDeleteHow about "I'm sorry. But I'm going to need you to give me a lot of money." Then laugh hysterically and walk away.
ReplyDeleteI raged a little. I'd be pissed too.
ReplyDeleteI would be passive aggressive and anytime office creep says anything creepy I'd report it to HR. BAM mofo. You wanna go there? LET'S GO THERE.
ReplyDeletePeople need lives or something. I mean what the heck!
What a d-bag. "I'm sorry you're rich. I'd feel more sympathetic if I could relate better. You should just give me half of your money and then we'll be on an even playing field. And you will have no reason to feel threatened anymore."
ReplyDeleteAre you sure Supercreep doesn't have some inside connections or something? Or some racial card that he's using to his advantage? That's the only way I can think of how he's getting away with all of this.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I would sincerely apologize to Supercreep. And then start plotting my revenge. Have you heard of the Annoy-a-tron? Here's a link:
http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/8c52/
Jeez, what a cretin! I probably would have refused to apologise, but then I'm not known for being smart.
ReplyDeleteOfficeCreep sounds like an absolute ARSE - I'd go with the last one! xx
ReplyDeleteUgh, how ridiculous. Like officecreep is really even afraid, whatever. It is amazing how much power employees hold over management now. A non apology is completely appropriate in this case!
ReplyDeleteYeah, Office Creep. Worked with her in So. Cal. She accused me of sexually harassing her and stalking her because I followed her car out after the end of my shift for --wait for it --a mile and a half, and only stopped when I turned onto the freeway to GO HOME. HR wrote me up and honored her request to be transferred out of my department. BTW, she eventually sued the company, her boss and another FEMALE employee when they tried to fire her ass for being an incompetent idiot.
ReplyDeleteOh this makes my blood boil! Office ridiculousness at its finest. Poor Boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteGRRRRR! why haven't you reported him? Have you? You completely should! It's sooooo annoying when people act like that- two faced hypocrite bastards :( I HATE people like that! Poor, poor Boyfriend and poor, poor, poor Gia having to work with someone like that!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement
ReplyDeleteaccount it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you!
By the way, how could we communicate?
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