Wednesday, July 18, 2012

How to Make an Apple Pie for Boyfriend in 30 Easy Steps!

1. Remember that Boyfriend’s favorite pie is apple. And that you have no idea how to make an apple pie. And if you want to make him a good one for his birthday, you best start practicing now.

2. Tell Twitter.

3. Discover your followers have no faith in you

4. Google easy apple pie recipes.

5. Find one. Commit to it. Realize you own exactly 0 pie making ingredients.

6. Go to the store. Buy all the shit.
The wine and gin in the background aren't "ingredients," per se.

7. Reread the recipe. Realize it says 7 cups of sliced apples, not 7 sliced apples.
Google “how many apples = 1 c sliced apples.” Get confused.

8. Make yourself lunch.

9. Consider making yourself a drink, but decide it’s too early in the day.

10.Turn on the tv for someone to watch while baking. Find nothing. Get sad.

11. Peel, core, and slice an apple. Take 20 minutes.

12. Google “how to slice an apple quickly”

13. Prepare all the apples which takes approximately 1203917294y7239 minutes and you still don’t know if you have too many or not enough.

14. Pour yourself a drink.

15. Realize there’s no brown sugar in the recipe. Panic and tell twitter.

16. Decide you’re not going back to the store now because it’s like a million degrees out.

17. Put rest of pie together. Forget to take picture before putting top crust on. Get annoyed.

18. Take picture with crust on.

 19. Feel equal parts terrified and excited because it looks kind of good and you don’t want to destroy it.

20. Clean up the disaster you made. Think of all the ways you’ll hurt Boyfriend if he doesn’t appreciate your effort.
Uh, I'm talking about the pie, of course. I will chop the

21. It’s been seven minutes. Check on pie. It looks lumpy. Panic. Tell twitter.

22. Find out no one on twitter cares. Sadness.

23. Finish baking pie. Realize it didn’t explode in the oven and doesn’t look half bad. Get excited.

24. Wait super impatiently for Boyfriend to come over.

25. Watch Boyfriend marvel over the pie. Get happy.

26. Give Boyfriend slice of pie.  Bask in praise of its deliciousness.

27. Make sure Boyfriend really means it.

28. Force Boyfriend to have Give Boyfriend another slice.
What was left after I had a slice and made Boyfriend eat two.
29. Keep basking.
30. Start planning your next pie. World’s best girlfriend? I think so.


  1. Wasn't achieving a new skill reward enough without the downpour of adulation? No, you're right, it definitely isn't. Gushing appreciation and love of your skills was absolutely necessary. Well done.

  2. I'd ask for a pie, but I'm afraid for my manparts.

  3. I make all my pies while drinking a bottle of wine. They always come out really good so I can't not drink while making pies because what if it comes out horrible because I didn't drink!

  4. Let's look at this from boyfriend's point of view, shall we?
    Oh boy, dinner with Gia, my favourite!
    Oh boy, apple pie, my favourite!
    Oh boy, a meal I didn't have to cook, my favorite!
    Oh boy, apple pie, my favorite!
    Oh boy, lots of sex, my favorite!

    Now you are on the baking treadmill. Google making pie pastry for tips on making it flakier. I'm surprised pie recipe doesn't have brown sugar. There are tools for peeling and coring apples. Congrats on first pie of many.

  5. I am super impressed, especially seeing as it's 100 degrees here and feels like I live in an oven to begin with, much less sticking a pastry in there. Oddly enough, my mom just made an apple pie from scratch the other night for some reason. There were multiple bottles of Miller Lite and a few frantic texts, but I'm told that it came out okay. No one lost man parts.

    Go you!

  6. Great job!!! I've never baked a pie and if I ever did, I won't have friends anymore!

  7. My process involves one to south Louisiana and buy a Hubig's apple pie.

    Don't look as good as that one though.

  8. Invest in an apple peel, core, and slice gadget. Worth every penny. Then easy to turn boyfriend's frown upside down!

  9. best blog post i've read in awhile... sheer brilliance. hilarious! i give it two thumbs up!

  10. That's a damn good looking pie! Boyfriend is a lucky, lucky man! :)

  11. That doesn't look like a first pie to me Gia; are you SURE this is your first? Plus? Tick Fricking Tock! is my new favorite phrase!!

  12. My favorite is peach pie. You know, just in case you wanted some more practice on pie making. Practice makes perfect, right? ;)

    Was it a special occassion to make the pie? Did he do something nice for you? Or are you just REALLY the world's best girlfriend? :)

  13. The pie was literally the best pie I have ever eaten. I ate the rest the next day, even though it wasn't my carb day. Gia is pretty close to the world's best girlfriend, with two glaring exceptions -- which we won't go into. She's like, number 3 in the whole world though. or 4th. Definitely no lower than 5th. Hmmmm, Olivia Munn is probably pretty good, too. So, def not lower than 6th in the whole world. The pie was GREAT! I like my penis, so I'm going to go back to work now. She does get stabby......

  14. Pecan pie next! I freakin' love pecan pie!

    That apple pie looks incredibly awesome, too. I like when the apples are slices not chopped.

  15. Congrats on the pie! Isn't baking so messy? I mean, it seems to be when I watch other people do it on television.

  16. Ugh. My husband's birthday is next week and he asked me to make a strawberry rhubarb pie. I don't even know wtf rhubarb is...I think I'm gonna make a chocolate cake instead.

  17. Haha! Baking is hard! I used to bake all the time and was all "Oh, It's nothing. Just a 2987129487 layer chocolate cake. No biggie." and now, a couple years down the line, I'm all excited if it doesn't explode or melt into a gooey mess.

  18. Why in the world did I take the day off Twitter! I should have been there for you!!!!!!!! But alas, pad-won, you are now the master. I take my hat off to you and your pie. (No dirty connotations were meant in that last sentence).

  19. lmfao.... when I saw the title I was thinking ... "it doesn't take 30 steps to make pie" ... then I read... and you're right.. it does.

  20. So proud of you! I've never made a homemade apple pie in my life so you've got one up on me! It did look REALLY good! Just needed some Breyer's french vanilla ice cream with it!

  21. Next time, Mama Janie strongly recommends you order a frozen apple pie from Schwan's. The Schwan's man will deliver it. All you have to do is pay for it and put it in the oven. It will be delicious. Boyfriend will love it and you, and you won't be like a hamster on a wheel, constantly baking and never going anyplace.

    Janie, who knows of what she speaks because she's a great baker

  22. hahahahaa, awesome job, congrats, I suck at baking and would panic and drink as well!

  23. Pre-made crust? Psssh. Amateur.

    (Totally kidding. I've never made a damn pie. Husband does all the baking in our house.)

  24. It looks excellent! I wish I'd seen your tweet, I literally have the best apple pie recipe EVER. IT HAS BOOZE IN IT. 1. Makes it taste special yummy. 2. Looks like you're just cooking when you're really getting hammered.

  25. Wow for a first attempt at baking pie, you nailed it! Mine first apple pie took all day to bake and was absolutely disgusting. You must having the baking gene. I like the gin and wine idea though. Next time, pie, next time.

  26. Best. Pie. Ever. He should shower you with gifts!! x

  27. This sounds similar to my pie baking experiences, but substitute beer for wine and gin. Looks like it came out well! My stomach is envious!

  28. I am going on 39 and I still have not attempted to make a pie from scratch. I'm lazy like that. The ones in the freezer are soooo good and there is less mess.
    Also, this will be the one post that I do not share with my husband because he may expect me to follow in your footsteps.
    As for your attempt...looks like you killed it!

  29. MMMMMMMMMMhmmmmm you definitely win some girlfriend points for this!
    I love to bake and often use it to get into people's pants. I mean hearts. I definitely meant hearts.

    (I meant pants.)

  30. I love that fact that you forgot to take a picture of it before you covered it! :)) Baking is more strenuous than our grandmas would have us believe, that's fo' su'!! :D

    Also, you make me laugh and smile with your posts. Very nice combination. Thank you! :))

  31. Thanks for sharing this story with us! It's not as good as sharing the pie with us, but still. Good job.

  32. That pie looks amazing. Cut me up a big slice, and add a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

  33. Congrats! And for your first go I'd say you did pretty damn well! That being said... I might make apple cobbler sometimes soon. It's THE best recipe ever.

  34. Do you only make pies for boyfriend? I like apple pie with caramel sauce and vanilla ice cream. Just in case you were wondering. I'd even bring my own caramel sauce and ice cream if there's a piece of that pie left.

  35. Good work! Must have been the wine. I can't bake without it! :)