1. Remember that Boyfriend’s favorite pie is apple. And that you have no idea how to make an apple pie. And if you want to make him a good one for his birthday, you best start practicing now.
2. Tell Twitter.
3. Discover your followers have no faith in you
4. Google easy apple pie recipes.
5. Find one. Commit to it. Realize you own exactly 0 pie making ingredients.
6. Go to the store. Buy all the shit.
|The wine and gin in the background aren't "ingredients," per se.|
7. Reread the recipe. Realize it says 7 cups of sliced apples, not 7 sliced apples.
Google “how many apples = 1 c sliced apples.” Get confused.
8. Make yourself lunch.
9. Consider making yourself a drink, but decide it’s too early in the day.
10.Turn on the tv for someone to watch while baking. Find nothing. Get sad.
11. Peel, core, and slice an apple. Take 20 minutes.
12. Google “how to slice an apple quickly”
13. Prepare all the apples which takes approximately 1203917294y7239 minutes and you still don’t know if you have too many or not enough.
14. Pour yourself a drink.
15. Realize there’s no brown sugar in the recipe. Panic and tell twitter.
16. Decide you’re not going back to the store now because it’s like a million degrees out.
17. Put rest of pie together. Forget to take picture before putting top crust on. Get annoyed.
18. Take picture with crust on.
19.Feel equal parts terrified and excited because it looks kind of good and you don’t want to destroy it.
20. Clean up the disaster you made. Think of all the ways you’ll hurt Boyfriend if he doesn’t appreciate your effort.
|Uh, I'm talking about the pie, of course. I will chop the pie...off.|
21. It’s been seven minutes. Check on pie. It looks lumpy. Panic. Tell twitter.
22. Find out no one on twitter cares. Sadness.
23. Finish baking pie. Realize it didn’t explode in the oven and doesn’t look half bad. Get excited.
24. Wait super impatiently for Boyfriend to come over.
25. Watch Boyfriend marvel over the pie. Get happy.
26. Give Boyfriend slice of pie. Bask in praise of its deliciousness.
27. Make sure Boyfriend really means it.
Force Boyfriend to have Give Boyfriend another slice.
|What was left after I had a slice and made Boyfriend eat two.|
29. Keep basking.
30. Start planning your next pie. World’s best girlfriend? I think so.