Monday, June 18, 2012

The Futon of Death May Literally Be Trying to Kill Me


Also known as: I May Be the Only Person Who Finds This Post Entertaining

Remember how my futon sucks? Well, I’ve been having leg pain lately.  And also, remember that time I had boobpain? It’s important. Because this convo happened:






Now Boyfriend gleefully tells me I have a blood clot approximately 18 times a day. It’s “great.” Case in point, our gchat conversation from last Tuesday, when I was home waiting for the cable guy. It covers a variety of fun and inappropriate topics:

Watch that dog dance! [Seriously, you guys should check it out too]
Holy shit
The dog is talented.
Boyfriend: Please don't spend your day looking at dancing dogs and kittens
Me: The cable guy is here and in the attic.  
and I'm not spending ALL day doing that.
 Hey I get one free on demand movie the first month of cable
Boyfriend: show him your tits and see if you can get other stuff
don't [redacted] him though. He'll charge you extra and cut the cable on the way out [That is a reference to a filthy thing that ONE TIME went horribly wrong but is usually quite satisfactory, thankyouverymuch. Read about it here]
Me: Heeeeeeeeeey that was ONE time.

Me: I’m sad its so icky looking on my day off
I have to run errands after cable guy leaves
Boyfriend: i hope it rains so I can't play golf
Me: oh
You really don’t wanna play?
Boyfriend: My confidence is shot
Me: :(
I'm sorry sweetie
Boyfriend: I might cry
Me: ...i'll hold you.
Boyfriend: uh......
i'll cry harder
Me: I'll hold you tighter


You just let it all out
There there
Boyfriend: I'll squeeze your blood clot [Reference 1]
Me: that's not funny.
x-(
What if the futon gives me a blood clot?
WHAT IF IT REALLY IS THE FUTON OF DEATH?!?
  
Boyfriend: Blood clots are fun to play with. [Reference 2]
Me: STOP WITH THE CLOTS
The forecast is bad for the afternoon.
Boyfriend: Good
Blood clot [Reference 3]
What?
Me: Hey!!!!
Boyfriend: Hey my son’s starting a new med for [thing]. Few side effects.
Me: Oh that’s good.
Boyfriend: not jittery and you don't lose appetite
Me: oh good cuz he's already too skinny
Boyfriend: Yes. Too skinny. Unlike
.........me
and your blood clot. [ [Reference 4, for those of you keeping track]
Me: rgihseilrghslei gesghuseilg
WHY
Boyfriend: why not
Me: WHY WITH THE BLOOD CLOT
WHY  
stop
I feel another pain in my leg
AHHHHHHHHH
Boyfriend: futon of death
chair of death
papasan of death
bed of death
Me: STOP WITH THE DEATH
  
Twenty minutes later.

Me: I just went for a walk
First, it poured on me on my way to the post office
where it was closed cuz the guy was at lunch.
Then I went to the consignment shop which is closed on Tuesdays
Then I went to the liquor store
Thank God that was open
  

Now I’m wet and I learned my lesson and I’m not going out again today
Boyfriend: two words
blood
clot [Reference 5]
Me: WHY
WHY THOSE WORDS
Boyfriend: futon of death?
brain aneurism
Me: MEAN
Boyfriend: pelvic embolism
heart failure
toe fungus
which is disgusting 
Me: STOP ITTT
Boyfriend:
malignant bonjovism
that's a cancerous bonjovi
Me: ha

5 Minutes Later

Me: Okay my cable is working.
I’m overwhelmed
by television 
Boyfriend: da pictures, they mooove
Me: they dooo
Boyfriend: how are the midgets? [Boyfriend thinks all I watch is weird reality shows about midgets. He’s half wrong.]
Me: huh
oh
There’s singing…
…it’s glee.
I’m watching glee.
Hush.
Boyfriend: what no toddlers marrying a wolverine 
Me: They’re singing loudly on Glee.  Dear Neighbors, I don't care what you think of me. Sincerely, Gia.
I'm going to start singing along
Boyfriend: please god, no
Me: You wont be able to hear me from work.
Boyfriend: just the thought of it
Me: they're singing paradise by the dashboard light
Boyfriend: I don't know you
Me: OW OW OW
this futon hurts my legs
Boyfriend: how is this new news
????!!!!  
Futon of Death, 'member? 
Me: whimper

And then I watched cable for the next 8 hours.  I probably don’t have a blood clot though. Right? RIGHT?!?

24 comments:

  1. That dancing dog video just made me sigh, mostly because I sent it to my wife and she squealed in joy.

    Also, Brandon had this terrible futon that was like jello on one side and like a rock on the other side. How I never died sleeping on that thing is beyond me.

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    Replies
    1. Because it was amazing. I've been dancing for years, and that dog put me to shame. I squealed, too.

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  2. Malignant Bonjovism is a real disease affecting thousands of poor souls ever-compelled to rock any face they see and ride steel horses. This horrible affliction to write catchy-yet-meaningless tunes is not to be mocked.
    Papasan of Death on the other hand is hilarious.

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  3. Trying so hard not to say, 'blood clot'! I think you need to hug and squeeze Boyfriend extra long and hard in revenge ;-)

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  4. After reading Pickleope's comment, I have gone silent. This may be a first.

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  5. How can you NOT sing along with Glee?! I mean there is something wrong with your neighbors if they don't get that. You may want to keep things down though...they may be the people that you are counting on to call 911 when you are suffering from a blood clot.

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  6. Blood clot? With all the wine you drink? Thinning your blood?? Hahaha!

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  7. What's wrong with reality shows about midgets? I love those! hahahaha

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  8. Perhaps it's time to invest in a nice sturdy love seat. The futon of death must die. And don't sit so long while you watch TV. Get up and move around or you might actually get a blood clot in your leg.

    Love,
    Janie, a.k.a. harbinger of doom

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  9. Save up for a bed--you will lllllooooovvvvveeee it. We used to have a futon. It sucked. So great you have cable now! Also, tell Boyfriend that those shows about little people are not weird. They're educational. How else would we know how they drive their cars?

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  10. 1. It's specifically calf pain.
    2. Accompanied by shortness of breath.
    3. Caused by not moving a lot, like a long car ride or plane trip.
    4. Or sitting on your futon for 8 hours straight.

    You would be dead by now.

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  11. Every time I feel any twinge in my left arm, I think "heart attack." Ignorance would be soooo blissful.

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  12. I like Glee, too.

    How can I avoid getting a malignant bonjovism?

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  13. "Papasan of Death"

    Awesome. It sounds like a straight to DVD movie.

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  14. The pillow fort will protect you from blood clots. It's scientific fact.

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  15. SO FUNNY! Ok, I totally thought that the interwebs were "redacting" your posts! I am so lame. And totally new to this blog-world. But still, you are freaking hilarious.

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  16. Too too TOOOO funny! We once had The Jack From Hell. A high-lift jack that literally was possessed by a devil and was trying to kill my sweet hubs. He left it in the woods for a couple of years and the demons went and possessed something else.

    You're on my list of fun blogs to read each day, so please come over collect your award? :D http://contemplatinghappiness.blogspot.com/2012/06/bloggy-love.html

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  17. No worries. Just keep watching cable and everything will be okay...and the more 'crazy people' shows, the better. Watch one episode of Toddlers and Tiaras and you'll be saying, "blood clot, who?"

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  18. Boyfriend sounds like me, because I do the exact same thing to Theresa.

    Actually, we both constantly tease each other over random silly things. ._.

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  19. I think I might've popped Boyfriend in the blood clot after the third reference.

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  20. That dog was adorable! She's so happy doing her dance!

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  21. Your cartoons crack me up. I really enjoy the color they add to your posts.

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  22. I love your cartoons :-) and I think that this is common to boyfriends. I said "I'm a party prawn" in my sleep about 3 months ago and he's still talking about it.

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  23. Dearie, you are quite amazing! :)

    I loved your illustration of the bed! Cute room you have! ;)

    Also, I'm sorry your day was annoyingly sucky... you're right though..you should have stayed in bed! haha :))

    My fav line was the one about giving him a stick of gum.... hahaha Oh my... your blog is seriously one of my favs ;)

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