Monday, April 2, 2012

Totally Rational Fears about Boyfriend’s Trip


So, as I mentioned last week, Boyfriend is on vacation with his kids for a whole 10 days. He’s going to the Grand Canyon and other parks in Arizona/Utah.



And since hey, I’m crazy, I’m having some concerns about this trip, much like when he went to New Orleans.  What am I worried about, you ask?

1. Cougars.
Not this kind:
Remember her?
But this kind:
Yes, a cougar does look surprisingly like a lioness. Shut up.

2. Wives. 
He’s going to Utah too. What if he converts to Mormonism there and comes back with a bunch of wives?!?

Here, let me break it down for you:
Clicky to make bigger and read.
I fear this will happen:


This is how it works, right?




Watch yourself, Boyfriend.

3. The Canyon itself
It’s a giant hole, right?!? WHAT IF HE FALLS IN?!?!

Suddenly realizing that I’ve made it painfully obvious that I have not yet been to the grand canyon.

4. Zombie Sluts

Just cuz. I mean, you never know where they'll show up.

Anyhoo, I googled “scary things about the grand canyon” and other fears now include mules on the trails, freezing, starving, drowning, sunburn, but really the multiple wives thing.

Only 6 more days til he comes home! 

[Linking up with the Sarcasm Goddess' Procrastinator's Year in Review!]

96 comments:

  1. 6 more days...6 more wives. Good luck my friend!

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  2. Seriously. A wife a day. Just think, you can take him And the 6 wives to Death Valley.

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  3. Ah, but you have to remember that as Mormons they'd all be very plain. Would he rather have 6 plain women, or one awesome one?

    Also, your tag about shanking him warms my heart. You can borrow the wife's if you need it. She just sharpened it.

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  4. You are not at all wrong about the Grand Canyon. One could easily fall in. There's even a book about accidental falls called something like, "Over the Edge: True Stories of People Who Fell In" or something. (I can't remember what comes after the colon.) I've always been, like, amazed at how little safety measures there are around the dangerousness.

    Anyway, yeah. This might be the least helpful comment anyone's ever left you.

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    1. Hahahah thanks. Thanks a lot. Awesome.

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  5. The breakdown was my favorite part. Slut because she's showing her ankles? Spot on.
    I'm just glad you're completely rational about these things.

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    1. I know, right? Rational is my middle name...

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  6. I fear Untah and Mormons for a whole different set of reasons, but I feel your pain. Let's keep drawing cartoons and get through this together.

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    1. And by Untah, I meant Utah....but there is a certain Freudian beauty in that, no?

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    2. Hahah I think I like Untah better, frankly. Can we petition a name change?

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  7. I just finished reading http://www.lostinidaho.me/ latest post which is question and answers about Mormons. Someone mentioned that they are all highly attractive... just saying.

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    1. That's not very nice Bozo! lmao

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    2. Lol... but so much fun!

      Anyway, there's no way Boyfriend will find someone more attractive than Mayor Gia; of that I'm certain.

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    3. I like to think I'm pretty attractive... just sayin'.

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  8. But I bet them Mormons can't draw like you or have a blog.

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    1. I have a blog. Technically I am also a Mormon.

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    2. Lots of Mormons have blogs. We like to write in journals & blogs are basically just online journals. :) But no, I definitely can't draw as well as Gia. She's my hero!

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    3. I apologize and I take it back! But Gia, don't worry, your man won't fall for any blogging Mormons, as clearly they all know you ;)

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  9. ohhhh I didn't realise he is gone for 10 days in total...poppy pants :( Hang in there!!

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  10. You're not the only one who hasn't been to the Grand Canyon. Hell, I have never been west of the Mississippi.

    I'm sure boyfriend will be fine. With six wives to take care of him, he will be perfectly fine! Don't worry!

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  11. As a mistress you shouldn't be expected to do any of the housework...maybe it's not such a bad gig.

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  12. Gia, this can all be easily resolved with one simple thing: more wine.

    Also, Mormon wives love to blog.

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  13. Yeah, I agree with ef bartlam. As the mistress, you won't have to do laundry, clean, cook. That might be awesome. On the flip side, it's a b(&^h being female. We worry too much.

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  14. You're right to worry about zombie sluts. And in Utah there are zombie slut Mormon wives.

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  15. If he's gonna have you as his mistress, then it's only fair that you take a 'mister'...Not sure that's in the Mormon rule book, but I say go for it.

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  16. What about donkey bites from the donkeys used for tours? I heard those could be nasty.

    -Barb the French Bean

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  17. I've been to the Grand Canyon. Two hour car trip to stare at a giant hole (That's what he said). Meh. . .

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  18. Tell me more about these mormon lesbians? I've been looking all over for them... I think they're rarer than unicorns.

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    1. You have to believe in them for them to appear....

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  19. About the falling in the giant hole in the desert...

    My mom was left at the Grand Canyon when she was 18 months old. He siblings are all much older than her and when everyone left they assumed she was with someone else in their car. This was before they had safety railings. She obviously didn't fall in or get kidnapped or anything scary, because 22 years later I was born, and 26 years after than I left my 2 year old at home alone for 10 minutes while I got her brother from preschool because my unemployed husband went back to work and I forgot he was at work and thought he was out back having a smoke. My mom was fine, I'm crazy, and my daughter's fine. I don't think he'll fall in. But you should worry about that wives thing....I hear Mormon girls are freaks in bed.

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  20. You say he is gone for 10 days WITH kids. How many kids are we talking about here???? I wouldn't even worry about the canyon fall as the kids are going to be crabbing about how hot, dry, dull, boring, and why in the hell is this hole in the ground a big deal anyway? So chances are he will be in the Grand Canyon National Park all of 10 minutes...maybe less.

    As for the 6 wives thing...How old are the kids? Grade schoolers or teens. Either way they will kill any chance of a romance in that limited amount of time. 10 days isn't enought time to sweep the ladies off their feet with kids in tow. And if the kids don't kill the mood, look at the bright side. Sister Wives...you can give them all the shitty jobs you hate. You have seniority. From the look of their pictures, you will be the cute, hot one.

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    1. Hahah two kids, early teens. They're very cool, so they won't be all crabby and pissy for the most part, I think.

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  21. See, all I can imagine with extra wives is that I would be the boss of them and they'd do the grunt work.

    I have a very well-developed sense of self.

    PS Vacationing in nature? WTF, Boyfriend? Crazy.

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  22. You know, it is so nice to finally meet someone who has the same crazy fears I have and that I'm not alone!! xD

    I never thought about the zombie sluts though...I must add them to my worry list. \\O//

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  23. Bahaha! I love you. Those all sound like completely legitimate fears.

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  24. I've heard sister wives can be a good thing. I wouldn't know...won't ever find out cause I am THE QUEEN BEE. I don't share. Ever. Someone would die (or someones) and it wouldn't be me.

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  25. More wives?? I would grab my husband's scalpel and start doing some slicing and dicing myself. On who?? I'm not sure, yet. Let me think about it....

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  26. dont worry too much, he'd be fine :)

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  27. On the plus side IF he comes back with six wives then you can bet he'll be prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse! Those Mormons know how to can food like no one's business. Then, once the Zombies get the wives (because clearly the first to go in the Apocalypse will be the whores, harlots and sluts) Boyfriend will come crawling back to you and then you can make his life "interesting" WHILE surviving on the Mormon prepared supplies. Win all around I think!

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    1. This might be the best comment I've ever read. We DO, in fact, have a lot of food storage. ;) However, I'm really sorry to burst this bubble, but the many wives thing is a myth. We don't do that. *sorry*

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  28. 6 wives = less house work...at least that's the line I use with my wife

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  29. Gia/boyfriend fear # 203: Poisonous critter things.

    Seriously, he will be fine. I went there and I never was in any danger. And I never came home with 6 wives. Although, I'm open to the idea. I mean, 6 other ppl to clean the house, take care of he kid(s), run errands, do yard work...but I would have to be the first wife. Not because I want to be the most important one in his life, but because I want to delegate the other wives. I will sit on my couch and give them all daily jobs and tell them what I want made for dinner and how to paint my toe nails and...Excuse me I have to go call my boyfriend and tell him we are converting to Mormonism so I can have sister-wives.

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    1. ...poisonous critters? :(

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    2. Probably shouldn't tell you this, but since I'm evil...when i went was chasing these cute lil lizards around (yes, I was an adult, I like lizard ok?) anyway they ran under a bush/shrub/tumbleweed looking thing. As that happened I stood up and waited for them to come back out. One of the dumber ppl I was with (ok, the dumbest) asked why I didn't just reach under and get the lizard. So I told em, "You reach under there and let me know if you get bit by a tarantula, rattler, evil insects or a "bad" lizard and then I will reach my hand in." The ranger that was walking by stopped and started chuckling at the ding bat and told him, "She's right, Son. But go ahead, I wanna see this." I never did catch those silly lizards. But I also didn't fall over the edge and hear that zombie sluts stick pretty much to strip clubs. So don't worry.

      Seriously though, boyfriend will be fine. Thousands of ppl go there all the time and come back fine. Boyfriend seems smart enough to not do anything stupid, or to jepordize his kids. 10 days will be over before you know it and, in no time, you will be back to worrying about how you can sneak a kitty into your new apartment.

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  30. um...it is not all bad, can you imagine the blog material you would get from 6 other wives? I mean, come on. just the idea of them and you are drawing crazy funny pictures. put real people in the picture, and bam. you'll be rich. If my husband ever converts, you are totally being commissioned to do our family portrait...just like above :)

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  31. hilarious...and I've been to Utah and I'm more afraid of the Grand Canyon. I don't do heights.

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  32. If Boyfriend is with his children, then he's not experiencing freedom, so please try to relax.

    Love,
    Janie

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  33. After hearing stories about their behavior, I think the mule ride would be a good thing to avoid.

    Also, six wives seems like a lot for a ten day trip.

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  34. His children are stick figures? I don't know, I mean, a hamburger would plump them up a bit.

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  35. Hahaha. Wow, never knew a man to be quite as busy as your boyfriend!

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  36. Um, but the kids get to spend an awesome week with their dad, right? Right? Haha...that panel must have been edited out for length.

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  37. I would totally be more scared of the whole bringing home 6 whore wives than anything else. Except maybe Zombie Whores, they're pretty damn scary too.

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  38. Very funny post. Though I might suggest this is a wonderful opportunity to enjoy your time alone. Compile your drawings into a book. They're very good, and funny.

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  39. Sorry about all the comments I left. This post was dang funny, and I love your pictures! Especially the slut ankles.

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  40. You are hilarious! And you should only approve 6 wives if you get to be the first wife - the best wife who gets all the power.

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  41. I can attest to the fact that there ARE zombie sluts in Utah! As proven by the one who was sleeping with my now-EX husband! Grrrr. But that was in Salt Lake, not in the pretty hiking areas.

    And for the record, polygamists aren't Mormons. We don't do that in our church. Those people are from offshoot groups.

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  42. As if the 6 wives thing was not funny enough, you did the breakdown. The breakdown drawing = complete awesomeness.

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  43. Makes perfect sense to me. Be afraid. Be very afraid!

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  44. My favorite part was when you gave us the big reveal: You have obviously never been to the Grand Canyon. And I know this because you never mention the things you really should fear: the tour buses and the donkeys. Just kidding. he'll be back and ready for primetime in no time. Erin

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  45. Can you do a tutorial on how you draw your awesome cartoons? Or do you have one and I have not looked hard enough.

    My husband does tons of traveling for work. Can suck at times.

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  46. I tried to comment on this from my phone the day you posted it and I couldn't which makes me totally angry! LOVE the picture of him falling off the cliff. Sometimes I think sister wives would be great. As long as they cook and clean.

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  47. Ten days alone with children? What kind of vacation is THAT?

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  48. totally i worry about zombie brain-eating sluts. well played.

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  49. How long does it take you to think this stuff up? Absolutely hysterical!

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  50. You forgot dysentery. But zombie sluts would probably be worse.

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  51. The most rational fear I saw in there was the Zombie sluts. :) I would be the exact same way...in fact I am every time he goes away.

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  52. I think Ginger is my favorite wife. ; ) (But, you're totally second, ok?) OH, wait, you're a mistress. Never mind.

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  53. This is hilarious. Mormon sluts are the worst. Not that I've met any - but I'm sure it's true.

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  54. Hopefully he did not pack his 'Cougar Bait' t-shirt. oh! New thought! Mormon cougars! not the animals but the man stealing BJ giving old lady hookers!

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  55. Well, 7 wives means more time for yourself! Looking on the bright side?

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  56. Don't think I could love this blog any more than I do. I sat here on my couch laughing for a good 45 minutes. You made my day brighter!

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  57. I could see benefits to adding a few wives...more housekeepers, always a babysitter available, new additions to the "family closet" (if you like prairie dresses).

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  58. He's going with this kids, right? How will they feel about six additional mother figures? I think the first cougar is actually the scariest (and most attractive) fear.

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  59. I'm just kinda jealous of all this freedom you get while he's gone. You should get a new hubby a day. Oh wait. Yeah, that's unacceptable. Do something totally fun while he's away!

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  60. "have a drink"

    that's usually my suggestion, even if it is 9 a.m.

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  61. My favorite part of the whole post? That some of the wives had aprons on. Heehee. You are so wonderfully neurotic.

    ~The G is Silent

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  62. frankly, i think being mistress instead of wife might have some real perks. drive the kids to soccer/school/doctor? nope, sorry, I'm just the mistress; we don't drive. Cook dinner or go grocery shopping? nope, I'm the mistress; we go to fancy restaurants and have minions dancing attendance upon us at all times. Hmm... maybe I'll send my husband to Utah.

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  63. I've just been to the Grand Canyon myself and it is indeed easy to fall down. I don't mean to worry you. Great blog. Love the cartoons.

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  64. I had no idea the Grand canyon was that dangerous!! ;)

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  65. I'm sure these are perfectly logical fears....to YOU. LOL!

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  66. Lol zombie wives are so much scarier when they are wearing heels.

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  67. Zombie slut cougar polygamy wives are an epidemic. He;'s doomed.

    hilarious

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  68. hahahahahahahahahahahaha! you so funny!

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  69. Mormon polygamous ankle-showing sluts are a serious issue! Next they'll start wearing 3/4-length sleeves and the men of the world are done for.

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  70. Bahaha! Loved this the first time and even more the second time. I love how the wife with the slight V neck is a whore. Thanks for linking up and giving me a shout out!!

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  71. Sister wives might be helpful if like me you hate to clean - it's the zombie sluts you need to watch out for..

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  72. I'm with Coffee Lovin' Mom - as long as they only want to "do" the housework, it's all good.

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  73. Still love this post...and the comments from people trying to clear things up for you (because apparently we all thought Boyfriend was for sure getting those 6 wives!)

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  74. Ack - I knew those darn zombie sluts would make the list. I assume boyfriend is safely home and with no zombies, sister slut wives or any other souvenirs.

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  75. This was totally me when my husband went to a week long bachelor party in Mexico. Clearly he was going to get kidnapped by a cartel or come home with Selma Hayek look alike. Funny post, as always!

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  76. I completely choked on my cookie when I got to "Zombie sluts". That is, by far, the biggest fear ever. Not even a gazillion-mile-long hole in the ground can beat zombie sluts.

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