Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Sometimes, I’m Not Terribly Helpful in Stressful Situations


So. As the title indicates, I’m not always super helpful when someone is stressed out. If I’m worried about Boyfriend, I’ll freak out and want to call 911. But for other things, sometimes I don’t react appropriately.  I’ll either take it not-seriously-enough-at-all, or I’ll become too distracted.

Example 1 (Not Serious Enough):
Coworker (a cool one, not the one from this post) texts me that she’s coming in late because she can’t find her engagement ring. She has a tendency to freak out about stuff. The following texting ensued [commentary in red]:

Coworker: Can’t find my ring
Me: Wtf?
Did your dog eat it?
Coworker: Omg I can’t find it
Me: Is your fiancé helping you look?
Coworker: He’s not here. Tell the boss I’m running late.
Me: Okay. Are you having a panic attack? Don’t panic. You’ll find it. Have you checked your finger? [You know, like when you can’t find your cell phone and its in your hand…]
Coworker: I’m hysterical!!
Me: I’m sure it’s somewhere [Or not. I really didn’t know at this point.]
Coworker: I don’t know what to do.
Me: Have a drink. [It was 9 am] Does your dog look guilty? [I was pushing the dog thing pretty hard]
Her dog isn't that bright.
Coworker: No
Me: Are you okay?
Coworker: No

She came in to work freaked out and said she took it off when she was cooking last night. I told her someone definitely ate it. 

or maybe:
She said she lost it when she was cooking...

Luckily, she went home and found it. It's a good thing, too, because I was about to insist she start checking everyone's poo.


Example 2 (Distracted):
Have I mentioned that Boyfriend is on vacation with his kids, girlkid and boykid? Maybe you’ve seen my whining on twitter? No? Well, he is. Girlkid is a young teenager. This happened a few days ago:

Boyfriend: Girlkid might have appendicitis.
Me: Oh no!!
Boyfriend: Can you google where the appendix is?
Me: Sure. Lower right side of the abdomen.
Boyfriend: Good. It’s something else. Thanks.
Me: Cramp? It could be the Lady Change.
Boyfriend: No
Me: Tell her it happens every month and it’s horrible and I’m sorry [see, part of me knew this wasn’t helping]
Boyfriend: She just finished that!
Me: Oh okay. Well the rest is still true.
All you have to look forward to is menopause. And then you can enjoy even worse mood swings and hot flashes

Me: Where’s the pain?
Boyfriend: Left side stabbing lots of tears
Me: Do people her age get kidney stones? I googled it.
Boyfriend: She’s better now.
Me: Wait seriously?
It says appendicitis can be on that side too btw. It also says it could be kidneys or premature labor. [I probably didn’t need to tell him this.]
Boyfriend: Yes she was fucking crying and now 1 hour later nothing. [Don’t let this comment make you think Boyfriend was out of his element parenting alone. He’s a fantastic parent and the girlkid definitely likes him a lot better than her mom.]
She’s very sensitive.
Me: …or an abdominal migraine, which frankly does not sound like a real thing to me. [I stand by that]

See guys, I'm not very helpful. Unless you consider going on webmd symptom checker and saying I'm a 14 year old girl so I can find out all the horrible things that could be wrong with said girl and then listing them to Boyfriend to be "helpful." 


[Linking up with yeahwrite!]

70 comments:

  1. great post! you are so funny. My sister lost her wedding ring, and I never thought to tell her to x-ray herself (never did find ring, though she blames the cat).

    can't wait to see what you write next. :)

    best,
    MOV

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  2. Sometimes people need someone like you to calm them down a bit. Nothing is as big of a deal as we make it out to be, except when they are out of Amy's gluten-free vegan burritos at the grocery store. That's a HUGE deal.

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  3. I like when you have conversations with real people (as opposed to pets or fictional animals). You're super helpful.

    I once dated a girl who was miserable the week before AND the week after her period. And also the week of. That left one week per month that she was tolerable.

    She was really hot though, so we dated for more than a year.

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  4. I see that you are a helper, just maybe not the most tactful of helpers...premature labor...really???? (althoug very funny, probably not what boyfriend wanted to hear)

    As for the engangment ring. I have managed to lose NOT ONE BUT T-W-O engangment rings. I am nothing if not consistent. When I lost the second one, I would have already been giving the dog an enema if I would have had a dog.

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  5. There wasn't anything more that you could do to help in either situation so I think that you reacted perfectly in both cases. Or maybe that's just my guilt talking since I'm exactly the same way. (See I'm not very helpful either.)

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  6. Dear Gia,

    I did not eat the ring. Stop accusing me, or I'll hire a lawyer. I'm smarter than you think.

    Love,
    The Dog

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  7. You were providing him with up-to-date minute by minute info. I'll take that kind of help!

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  8. I definitely would have assumed it was her period.
    Or gas.

    It was probably a bit of both.

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  9. Menopause is awesome with the right mindset. Now if I could just develop it...

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  10. My aunt lost her wedding ring and her husband eventually bought her a flashy new one. Next year at Christmas when she was getting out the decorations, she found it in a candy dish. Now she has two. Sounds like a deal to me.

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  11. I really needed the laughs you gave me today. Thank you, G. :-)

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  12. Entertaining all the same ;-).... I thought you were pretty helpful though. Maybe not to the co-worker lol But Boyfriend got a pretty good deal.

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  13. Hilarious, Gia!
    Just for future reference, hydrogen peroxide given orally will make a dog throw up. Helpful if it's swallowed something recently.
    As for the Girlkid, she's 14. Can you spell D-R-A-M-A?? Been there, dealt with that.

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  14. I would have pushed the premature labor idea. Just to cause a ruckus. Or a fight. See, you're just unhelpful. I'm downright mean.

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  15. The dog really does seem guilty.

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  16. Your conversation with the co-worker cracked me up. My brain totally stops working in emergencies and panic sets in. A few weeks back a bagel got caught in the toaster and I was like, "What am I going to do? My house is going to burn down!" I grabbed a knife to get the bagel out, without unplugging the toaster. Thanks anxiety disorder! I could've killed myself. Luckily my not so panicky friend was there to look at me like I was speshul and say, "Umm, unplug the toaster. Not that difficult."

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  17. Oh my gosh. I lost my wedding ring a while back and became convinced the dog ate it (she didn't, thankfully). I think your response on that one was normal. When in doubt, blame the dog.

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  18. I'm coming to you from now on when I have issues, because you give the best advice by far.

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  19. I love that you jumped to poo checking. So funny. Is this all a clever ruse so that people don't ask you for help? Meanwhile you're keeping all the right, reassuring answers to yourself. Very shrewd.

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  20. At least you have a sense of humor about these things, especially when you take things "not seriously enough." Why make it worse than it needs to be.

    Oh, and stay off WebMD. :P

    -Barb the French Bean

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  21. Both of those responses are better than my getting angry or having panic attacks. Ok not quite true. If it's a really serious stressful situation, like my kid needing stitches I am the model of calm, but if it's something not super serious but still stressful, I freak out.

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  22. Ha ha love the texting between you and BF - made me LOL. I'll be back to read more :)

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  23. Those x-ray drawings are fucking hilarious!

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  24. My favorite part is the smile on that dog's face. I hope s/he becomes a regular character.

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  25. A similar thing happened to my best friend years ago. He spent weeks sifting though his dog's doings until it finally came out...poor thing

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  26. I kind of have that kind of problem, too. Most of the time, I don't know what to say when someone's panicking or sad or something. There's gotta be someone who's good at this. Need to ask them how they do it.

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  27. This is hilarious. And your drawings make it all the more better.

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  28. I do agree, when all else fails and things can't be found, most likely someone or something's consumed it!

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  29. I hate it when dogs eat crayons. It makes the whole yard looks like a rotting rainbow.

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  30. Maybe the girlkid ate the lost ring? Have you ever considered those worlds have collided?

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  31. Abdominal migraines?
    Her dog may not be bright but he sure is perky.

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  32. "I’m sure it’s somewhere"
    See? That's helpful right there.
    You've reassured her that the ring wasn't taken by a little dude with a disintegrator.

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  33. This all sounds incredibly helpful. And what ended up being wrong with girlkid? I really hope it wasn't alien implantation. I've heard that can be really bad.

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  34. Could be worse. Could be me. Generally I just hover around and pretend to be helpful and useful.

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  35. Labor pains.... I'm chortling. I fear I suffer from the same syndrome as you. Most especially with the kids at work and not caring enough.

    Meh... It really isn't not caring ENOUGH per say. I simply don't give two rats ass! Do you work and leave me alone. WHY can they not do this??? Oops... Sorry I didn't mean to make this about me :). The dig looks guilty. I would've bet on that for sure!!

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  36. Once when I was in Hawaii, I was totally hammered and sitting on the beach while gesturing wildly with my hands and my ring flew off! I had to scour through the sand for HOURS...well, drunk hours. But I found it!

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  37. Haha! The last one sounds like a conversation I would have with my sister. And she's a nurse. Boggles the mind, doesn't it? Scary.

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  38. Sigh. I told you it was le gas!!

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  39. haha. hopefully people have a good idea where to look before they write you :)

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  40. Boyfriend's response is perfectly normal. I respond to my kids that way all the time.

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  41. Hahaha the X-ray dog drawing is awesome!

    So, you should basically be banned from going onto WebMD right?

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  42. Well, now I have to go google "abdominal migraine," you know that right? Thanks a lot.
    PS - you sounded totally helpful. i love a friend who stops my freak outs. or doesn't engage them.

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  43. I'm going to call it "Lady Change" from now on, and give you proper attribution every time.

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  44. Well, tomato, to- MAHH-to. We all have our strengths---yours is finding the humor in the mundane. Funny, Erin

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  45. The x ray drawings are my fave. And my first instinct when small things go missing is to question the dog as well.

    Oh, and the lady change? Snert.

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  46. Maybe you aren't helpful to some ppl but you draw like a rockstar!
    Would you have checked poo to help find her engagement ring??

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  47. You should have your own number 911-GIA

    www.mamaandthecity.com

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  48. You make me laugh. You do know that even nurses like me go onto the web to google things when all the friends/relatives/neighbors ask questions about their ailments.

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  49. So funny! I don't think I'll be calling you in my times of crisis, but I sure do want to read about it after someone else has. :D

    I'm picturing you as a 911 dispatcher. Bwahh haaa haaaa!

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  50. From now on I'm using "abdominal migraine" to get out of everything I don't want to do - no physical symptoms to fake, like a rash or a missing limb, and not as embarassing as telling your boss you'll be late because you have The Diarrhea. Perfect!

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  51. Good Lord I needed the giggle.
    Love your blog, love it! Thanks (-:

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  52. Haha, you are hilarious. Thanks for sharing!

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  53. See? If YOU had drawn me you could have included the dogs. I KNEW I should have called you. And thanks once again for making me laugh and write down "Mayor Gia" on my list (as if I really need to)

    ~The G is Silent

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  54. Sounds pretty helpful to me. And yeah, I agree about the abdominal migraines. I think that's definitely made up.

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  55. Oh my goodness!You are a hoot! And I love your artwork! Especially the dog!

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  56. For the record, it is never a bad idea to check other people's poo.

    Very funny post :)

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  57. You are so funny. I disagree with you - you are by far the best friend to have in stressful situations. In fact, can I have your phone number so I can get some of your texts when I lose something or need some advice? I would welcome your input. No, I mean it.. phone number, please.

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  58. I laughed out loud at the guilty dog face. I love you Gia!

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  59. webMD should be illegal, frankly, because basically it suggests we all have lupus/cancer/rare disease bearing parasites that grow inside us to be hundreds of feet long. Or gas. She had gas. maybe she ate your co-workers ring? your drawings of xrays, i have to say, remind me of when Curious George eats the puzzle piece. A classic of the x-ray drawing genre.

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  60. Dogs are like that. 'oh pretty. that belongs in mah tummeh'. Jerks.

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  61. hahaha :) This is awesome. Love your art!

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  62. Your friend should have thanked you for having gotten through her ringlessness. And thanking the dog for not eating it.

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  63. My reaction to fear is to get all giggly. You're calm and cool under pressure - nothing wrong with that. And apparently very funny too! :)

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  64. You are just awesome. Awesome awesome.

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  65. so freakin' funny. and a LOT of people agree with me.

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  66. I wouldn't say you're UNhelpful.....and it's just texting, anyway.

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