Friday, April 27, 2012

I Invented a Diet.


Guess what?! I invented a diet last weekend when I was with Boyfriend in Seaside Town. Interested? It’s easy, there’s only one rule.

Mayor Gia Diet
Rule 1: You can only eat foods if their second letter is a vowel.


I created it as Boyfriend and I were driving home from a particularly tasty dinner. It happened like this:

Me: Diets are dumb
Boyfriend: Huh?
Me: They’re totally arbitrary.  Like weight watchers or atkins or south beach? They all work and they all don’t work – it’s just a matter of following them.
Boyfriend: That’s true.
Me: Hey, I’m going to invent a diet. You can only eat foods….whose second letters are a VOWEL!
Boyfriend: Hmmm…..
Me: I can’t eat apples, but I can eat bananas.
Boyfriend: Thank God, you love bananas.
Me: I can’t eat chocolate. Or ice cream. But I can have cake!
Boyfriend: Whew!
Me: I love cake. Oh no, I can’t have eggs! Boooo. I can have pasta, though.
Boyfriend: How healthy is this?
Me: I can have salad….not broccoli or spinach though.
Boyfriend: You can’t eat vegetables! That’s not healthy!
Me: I can have carrots and potatoes though!
Boyfriend: Potatoes? C’mon.
Me: Oooo and burritos!


Me: I can have coffee. And wine. And gin. THANK GOODNESS.
Boyfriend: Ha! Yeah, what would you do then?
Me: Let’s not even THINK about that, honey.

Me: OH NO.
Boyfriend: What?
Me: I CAN’T HAVE CHEESE.
Boyfriend: Ha! What are you gonna do?!

Me: Welll…I guess technically I can have mozzarella. But not cheddar. Sniffle.
Boyfriend: Wait, wait a second.
Me: What?
Boyfriend: You have to go by category or food, not both. If you say you can’t have cheese, you can’t eat mozzarella.
Me: Welllll…. Okay. I guess. *sulks *
Does anyone else think this is similar to how Boyfriend criticized my "one glass" of wine?
Me: Wait, what about cake? It’s made up of eggs.
Boyfriend: Hmmm…I hadn’t thought about things made up of different ingredients…
Me: DON’T TAKE CAKE AWAY FROM ME!!


So, there. The rule is, you can only eat foods if their second letter is a vowel. I’m a bit fuzzy on the details beyond that.  But yeah, you should totally try it out because I’m absolutely convinced it’s going to work. I’m going to reevaluate my own eating:

Are you guys going to try it? Let me know how quickly the pounds fall off!

39 comments:

  1. Like a lot of these diets, it seems like there's quite a few loopholes. But hey, all you have to do to earn legitimacy is write it down in a book. Also, for the diet, attribute all weight loss to the diet but also recommend moderate exercise 5 days a week. But it's the diet! The second letter diet is what's making those love handles lovable.

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  2. Seriously, the first thought that popped into my head was "YES! PIZZA is still allowed!" followed by the subsequent "WAIT.. CHEESE... HOW!?"

    Other than that, this sounds like a solid diet.

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  3. i like this diet. I'll bet you COULD have cheddar if you just picked mIld cheddar.

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  4. I think I'll pass on trying this out - but I'm sure it's the most successful of all diets being as you're the creator.

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  5. Wait. So you're saying that basically this is a cake/wine/pasta/pizza diet? Yep, I'm gonna get right on that. I imagine the weight is gonna FLY off!! Thanks, Gia. Can I be your celebrity spokesperson when you make your infomercial?

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  6. Oooohhhh, I think I can go back to Sarcasm Goddess now ;)

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  7. Cheese is dAiry therefore I think that makes it acceptable. This also applies to broccoli and spinach which are vEgetables. I think Boyfriend is being nit-picky with his food/category rule. It's not even HIS diet!

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  8. first thing that came to mind nAchos. and of course, bEer. and I guess I can even include the sOur cream. hey - this diet rocks! thanks a bunch.

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  9. This sounds a lot less confusing than counting points.

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  10. I could make that diet work if I stuck to salad made only with lettuce, carrots and tomato, and topped with vinegar and oil. Past that I would have to stick with water and air. It's still about the calories and they hate me.

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  11. Yes. L is a vowel in Zimbabwe. Therefore, Alcohol.

    No, it's not.

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  12. I'm with you on the wine but give up Chocolate and Bread? Not going to happen. I think we need to fine tune this bad boy.

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  13. I LOVE THIS!!!!

    That's all.

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  14. Tapioca, pudding, soda... steak and chicken are out, fish and lobster in! I could make this work.

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  15. Lol nice I'll follow this diet and let you know how it goes

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  16. Oh thank Jebus. My favorite dinner is on your diet; peanuts and vodka.

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  17. I don't have a special diet like yours, but my rules of vegetables are similar.
    1) Vegetables with one syllable are good. (Peas, beans, corn.)
    2) Vegetables with two syllables are good raw, but not cooked. (Peppers, carrots)
    3) The more syllables, after that, the worse they are.
    4) There are several multipliers of baddness; the more that apply, the worse the veggie:
    * double letters: Zucchini, egg plant,
    * ending in vowel: broccoli, origami
    * uncommon letters (aka: the "Squash" rule)

    Luckily, meat only has 2 rules:
    1) Meat is good.
    2) Organs are bad.
    *

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  18. This is the perfect diet, as it allows so many loopholes that almost everything is still available. Instead of trying to convince myself of the health benefits, I am instead coming up with synonyms for all my foods. A writer's dream diet!

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  19. You can sex -- that's the exercise portion of the diet.

    Love,
    Janie Junebug

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  20. Hahaha, that is great. You should probably start some infomercials explaining the vast benefits of eating foods with such restrictions.

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  21. And you can't eat 'crap,' either.
    Whew!

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  22. So, I have a suggestion for the wine: Weekends and Wednesdays - that's my motto.

    And sometimes on Thursdays and Fridays, and Mondays and Tuesdays.

    Loopholes are acceptable.

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  23. You can have vodka too! Who's with me? It's almost 5pm in France, so it's OK!!!!

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  24. chocolates = NO
    fried noodles = NO
    :(

    wine = Yes
    :) so i guess it can work for me.

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  25. tequila and vodka are safe!

    I'm sad no fries, but at least burgers are okay. I just might like this diet of yours!

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  26. Write a book. It's no dumber than any of the other diets that people got rich on!

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  27. Hey, it makes as much sense as any of the other diets out there! But I'm going to have to say no, because chocolate is just too important to me.

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  28. As long as I can eat cake, I'll be fine. I think I'll try this diet.

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  29. I say it's all about portion control. Just ONE spoonful of butter. Just a mouthful of mayonnaise. Just a bump of cocaine.

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  30. This is interesting. Let me try and come back in a week's time.

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  31. Hello there :)

    I have a special request if you're interested. I've made a birthday blog for a friend of mine - and I'm hoping everyone will stop by for a visit and help make it a success. Here's the link if it's something you feel like doing.

    http://bestexoticmarigoldhotel.blogspot.in/

    Thanks!

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  32. How do multiple-word foods work? Do you go by the second letter of the first word? Does that mean I can eat "dark chocolate"?

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  33. Just in time! I was looking for a great diet!

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  34. I guess that artichokes and spaghetti squash are out for me...

    -Barb the French Bean

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  35. At first I thought this diet was awesome. The I realized chocolate isn't allowed, and I got sad. Then I realized I could have dark chocolate and milk chocolate, but not white chocolate, and I'm back to thinking this diet is awesome.

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