Monday, April 9, 2012

Extra Boyfriend Texting


 Hi all! Hope everyone had a good Easter (if you celebrate). I went home, so I didn’t get a lot of blogging done. However, I do have some extra texting between Boyfriend and I that is pretty entertaining, if you like watching me get mad and worry about wives.

If you need background, go here and here. In a nutshell, Boyfriend went on vacation in Utah and I’m worried he’s going to come back with wives. Six wives, in fact. They’re all going to be horrible:



Me: How are your wives?
Boyfriend: I have two new ones. One is Asian. Only 18
Me: Grrr. How’s everything going? Eating carbs?
Boyfriend: LOTS of carbs. Gained five pounds. Very hot.
Me: Sexypants. I can’t wait to see you.
Boyfriend: Who are you again? Going to be very busy with the wives and all…
Me: I’m going to cut it off
Boyfriend: This Mormon shit is cool
Sooo much pussy!
Me: Cut it right off and put it in my pocket
Ps there is no such thing as an Asian Mormon
Boyfriend: There is now. Gorgeous. You’re going to need to step up your game.
Me: What?!? I’m already working on being the world’s best girlfriend!!
Boyfriend: You’ve only worked on one thing!!!
Me: …which one?
Boyfriend: *redacted* [Let’s just call it, the suckerpunch incident]
Me: How many other things do I need to fix?!?
Boyfriend: Let’s just go one at a time, shall we.
Me: …I’ve been drinking a lot.

Boyfriend: Five wives!
Me: WHAT HOW ARE YOU GETTING THEM SO FAST?!
Boyfriend: What happened to one glass a night?
Me: What happened to not being a whorebag?
Boyfriend: Like shooting fish in a barrel here. I have my hair and a car.
 What happened to…oh never mind…
I’m going to go buy you a shot glass and go back to the room
Me: Aww thanks honey! <3
Boyfriend: Yeah yeah whatever

The next day:
Me: When you come back, I'm going to be like this cat:
Boyfriend: How would that be dif than usual?
Me: If you bring back any wives, I’m going to claw their eyes out. NBD.
Boyfriend: 6 on one. I think you’d lose. The 18 year old Asian is my number one wife.
Me: I can fight six Mormons. No problem. [It’s gonna be like the Hunger Games…]
Boyfriend: Wait Miriam and Beck need something
Me: You better have renamed your kids, buddy
Boyfriend: Sooo many wives. I forget half their names.
Me: I need to go buy a couple of alligators to eat the body parts. Six is a lot. Allie can’t handle all that.
Boyfriend: We should keep a couple. They can come in handy.
Me: Fine. But not the Asian one.



21 comments:

  1. You guys are just too cute. Although there's more probability of finding a new texting post from you while he's gone - I still can't wait for him to get back so that you can be that cat!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You might wanna keep the uglier wives, they could help you move! Them Mormon girls are strong!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like hoodyhoos line of thinking. Hell, tell the boyfriend he can keep ALL of them, on the conditions that he never touches them, ever. Instead, their job will be to maintain the house, cook, clean, etc, and the leftovers can work and bring you extra income. It's like child labor minus the children!

    ReplyDelete
  4. God, I love LOVE stories!!! Albeit, leave it to me to be confused. (I am such an idiot sometimes, in following plot lines) When boyfriend says "keep a couple" is he talking about the extra wives or the extra alligators"??

    I highly endorse your plan for making the ladies, alligator bait. You're really doing your man a big favor. After living with 6 women PMSing at the same time, he will be truly indebted to you for thinning the herd via your new pets. VBD

    ReplyDelete
  5. awe and some

    I have this "imaginary girlfriend" my daughters amde up for me named "Bubbly" -http://lancemyblogcanbeatupyourblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/30/mr-brightside/

    So my wife and i discuss my whereabouts thru texting the same way.

    This was great

    ReplyDelete
  6. Buy pigs, they're as ravenous but less conspicuous than alligators.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think you need to buy a prairie dress and wear it for his return. Tell him you converted and sex is OUT of the question until he marries you....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bill, I can get behind (literally) the prairie dress idea, but marriage? Really? Gia is certifiable and like 14 years old. I'm really oooooolllllldddd and am just waiting for that good retirement home sex. Marriage! Holy Cow! Pulling your man-card. Sheesh.

      Delete
    2. Wait, why do you want me to wear a prairie dress?!? Honey?? Is this like the time you said I'd look good in a burkha?!

      Delete
  8. I like how the other wives have slut etc written on them. That made me laugh so much.

    By the way, you're heading into bunny boiling territory veeery soon, madam.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I like the idea of keeping them as "house ladies". House boys sounds cooler but you know, they're chicks.

    ReplyDelete
  10. i've never understood the 18-year-old asian girl concept :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. OOOOOOH!! Great new reality tv show! Sister Wives Hunger Games!!! Let them fight to the death!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yeah, I need me a sister wife to do all the household stuff, like laundry, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the chillins . . . hell, I'll even give 'em a night or two with the hubs. Gives me a break.

    So, if he brings any home, just send them over my way. I'll train those whores good! Momma needs a day of relaxation, anyway. Win-win.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Poor Allie. I bet she could use the 'gator company, though!

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm with Pickleope. Go with the pigs. People think they're cute, but really they'll eat body parts like nobody's business.

    ReplyDelete
  15. He may think it's all good now, but wait till all 6 wives start harassing him and nagging him and shit. It won't last long :-)

    ReplyDelete
  16. But there is an Asian Mormon. One of my classmates in college was a Mormon.

    And yeah, how did he manage to get six wives so fast? :p

    ReplyDelete
  17. Boyfriend is amazing. It must be SO HARD to get 6 sisterwives to marry him and let him pay for all their shit and their 27 babies and stuff. And the 6 houses lined up in a row: Fantastic. And then their periods will be in sinc.

    Boyfriend will be so happy.

    ~The G is Silent

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am in favor of stabbing boyfriends who try to bring home Asian wives, or any wives, for that matter.

    ReplyDelete