Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Drunk Lioness



Me: Hi Lioness.
Lioness: BUUUUURP
Me: Lovely.
Lioness: Fuck YOU.
Me: So you already know you missed St Patrick’s Day, I take it?
Lioness: What the FUCK is St. Patrick’s Day?
Me: Nothing, nevermind.
Lioness: Good. BUUUURP
Me: Wait, so why are you drunk?
Lioness: Why the fuck not?
Me: You’re…kind of an angry drunk.
Lioness: I’M A MOTHERFUCKING LIONESS
Me: Why are you so unhappy?
Lioness: Why is your FACE so uphappy?
Me: Sheesh, just asking.
Lioness: You’d be….unhappy too…GEE-UH. If you had to do these stupid appearances too. BURP.
Me: Why DO you have to do so many?
Lioness: HOW ELSE DO YOU PAY THE BILLS BITCH!
Me: Why do you have so many bills, Lioness?
Lioness: Because…because…
Me: …yes?
Lioness: BURRRRRP
Me: Are you gonna vom?
Lioness: No! Fuck you. Shut up. Because…because…
Me: …
Lioness: I HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM. 
Me: Seriously?
Lioness: FUCK YOU!
Me: I’m sorry Lioness. 
Lioness: And your fucking tweets about marmadness aren’t helping!
Me: March Madness?
Lioness: I WANNA PLAAAAAAAAY.
Me: That’s not a good idea, Lioness.
Lioness: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Me: I’m sorry. Do you want a hug? I'll make an exception to my rule...
Lioness: Touch me and I will eat you.
Me: I was just asking!
Lioness: I need some iccream.  
Me: I have some. C’mon, let’s go get it. 
Lioness: Oooo actually I know what I’m craving. Fresh rabbit!
Me: Um...I don’t have that.
Lioness: Fuck – BURP- you.

Welll...this kind of explains a lot.

24 comments:

  1. So surly. I always thought a lion/lioness would be a fun drunk. Is this a manifestation of your wine withdrawals? Wait, is that what's happening here? Are you not talking to animals but working out internal turmoils by anthropomorphizing them? Should I have finished my psychology degree instead of settling for an Associate's degree in Ping-pong?

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  2. I love your animals drunk. I like them sober too - but drunk is much more fun!

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  3. As I read 'Buuuuuurp', I burped. TMI?

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  4. haha! Me and lioness are similar drunks I think xx

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  5. I think Lioness has anger issues...and a drinking problem. Better get her into rehab before things get out of control!

    And what a fucking potty mouth that lion has! I have never heard such vulgarity coming from a lion! I'm appalled!

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  6. Lioness needs to get on the wagon. And maybe some anger management and gambler's anonymous. Maybe she's compensating for something...

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  7. I think you should start your own clothing line, Gia. Where else would I be able to get a T-shirt that says 'I'M A MOTHERFUCKING LIONESS'? ;)

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    1. P.S. YOU HAVE A CLOTHING LINE!!! Sorry, I'm a bit slow today. But now I will never cease to pester you until you make that T-shirt. The world deserves to know!

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    2. Oh! Yes! I want that t-shirt!

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  8. I like the use of YER FACE...very good.

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  9. I don't understand this. But I enjoy swearing and burps and I would be lying if I didn't say that, despite my lack of understanding, I am completely in favor of everything that just happened.

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  10. ...Something tells me that you'd better find the nearest butcher for that fresh bunny meat. o_O

    -Barb the French Bean

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  11. I bet her March Madness bracket would be better than mine!

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  12. Drunk lioness? Funny.

    Drunk lioness who swears so much *I* start to blush? Priceless.

    +1 internets to you

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  13. ouch, the lioness is really very angry and drunk :p

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  14. Is Lioness drinking all the wine you're not?

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  15. I'm glad I'm not a mean, angry drunk like Lionness. Of course I don't actually get drunk. I just drink a few and fall asleep. Except the other night when my bartender friend served me three shots of excellent honey whiskey. Nice little buzz all the way home (I was NOT driving) and I was looking forward to sleeping like a baby after the weekend of turmoil we had. Unfortunately not so much. Dang, I hate tossing and turning. At least the alcohol didn't trigger a migraine!

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  16. Sometimes it's hard to read between the lioness...

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  17. While reading about having so many bills I was totally expecting Ms. Lioness to say something about "all the ducks/[insert bird here] she had eaten." =D

    Or platypuses! Platypuses would work too. XD

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  18. I suppose BURP is better than CRAP.
    That was not a dandy lion.

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  19. I always thought Lionesses were polite things.

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  20. Is Lioness, in any way, related to Chris Brown?

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  21. Wow! This was like "If You Give A Mouse a Cookie" the extreme version. If you give a lioness a whiskey, then she's going to...

    So funny! :-)

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  22. That is one surly lioness you've got there.

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