Friday, January 27, 2012

An Interview with a Boyfriend - Part II

Yaaay, the second half of Boyfriend’s guest post! Part I is here. Same warning applies. This is going to be filthy. (I tried to clean it up a bit with my redacting...)

[Also, I think some of you may have gotten the impression that I wrote the questions and Boyfriend answered. But I want to set the record straight: Boyfriend did the entire interview, except for the comments in red (and the questions submitted by you wonderful readers)! He gets credit with the questions and answers and everything. Cuz he's super smart. He made all the funny.]

We left off with Boyfriend making inappropriate comments about my sister. Grrrrr. 

Blog: This has gotten twisted.
Boyfriend:  Yeah, but her followers are totally sick too, so I think they are hanging in there.  In fact, have you seen some of their blogs?  Some of these people need help, fast.  Though I think I read that [redacted] has a thing for old guys too, so I may have a shot at that some day.

Blog: You really are an asshole.
Boyfriend: Guilty.
I’mma make you pay.

Blog:  So she loves [redacted], huh?
Boyfriend:  Who, the follower?  No idea.  But Gia, yeah, she’s insatiable.  Her hobbies are wine, [redacted], wine, this blog, [redacted] and eating tums.
…that’s about right.

Blog: Is it true that you encouraged her to start this blog?
Boyfriend: Yes, she had drawn some pics and had some super funny ideas that she was always tossing out, so I encouraged her to start a blog.  It’s her latest obsession.
I started with this craptastic pic:

Blog:  She is hilarious and talented.  Is that why you like her?
Boyfriend: She is adorable and smart and funny and very kind.  She likes me a lot for whatever reason, so that is also very nice.  She rarely is bitchy or cunty with me, which is very unusual for a woman.  We have a lot in common, work well together and don’t seem to have a lot of conflict.  Of course we only see each other twice a week, so that’s a good way to keep things fresh.  Note to married people.  See each other less.  You’re welcome.
Awwwww isn’t he sweet?!? I take back the “I will murder you” thing.

Blog:  Moving on…..I think Gia would also like you to say that she is super hot and sexy.
Boyfriend:  [robot voice] Yes.  Gia…is… super… hot… and…. sexy.
Aww, you really think so? *bats eyelashes*

Blog: Not that sincere.
Boyfriend:  Whatever.  Our sex is pretty awesome, though.

Blog: You seem a little wary of the “L” word, though?
Boyfriend:  Why go there Bloggy?  We use “lime”, as in “I lime you”.  It came from an autocorrect of “like”.  That’s as close as we’re getting.  I’m incapable of romantic love.

Blog:  Odd, you seem pretty romantic (cough, cough, choke).
Boyfriend: I’m going to have that grumpy lioness eat your ass, motherfucker.    Anyway, I believe in a deeper kind of love.  Romantic love is just lust dressed up nice.  If you really love someone then it wouldn’t go away.  Romantic love goes away all the time, because it isn’t real.  You can never not love your kids or your dog for example.  That’s real love.

Blog:  But be honest, you really, really like her though, don’t you?  You could call it love?
Boyfriend:  What the fuck, Blog!  We don’t use that word! EVER!
…except that one time, when he accidentally used it. :P

Blog: Settle, Boyfriend, settle.  10-2, 10-2 [Apparently this is a reference to driving, putting your hands at 10 and 2. I hadn’t ever heard of it as a phrase to calm down before.]
Boyfriend:  She’s very special to me.  If I did believe in something other than “lime”, then I would have that for Gia.
Awwwwwwwwwwww you guys, isn’t that so sweet?!?!? I swear I didn’t even guilt him about the L-word nonsense!! (I’m not going to let a great relationship be determined by one’s willingness to say a four letter word to one another. If I did, the relationship would never have gotten off the ground- woulda been halted at his first “cunt”. Meh, they’re just words.)

Blog: Fair enough.  You’ve said in a comment that Gia is “The World’s Best Girlfriend,” except for two things.  Care to elaborate?
Boyfriend:  Let’s just say that one of them has to do with [redacted] that occurred during an aborted DVD viewing of Sucker Punch.  I don’t want to ever relive that moment.  Not going near the other one.
…no comment. I was having an off day.

Blog:  Oh, sorry.
Boyfriend: Yeah, my [redacted] looked like it had been put in a blender.  Don’t know how she made it through college.  
That is an exaggeration. 

Blog:  You make her sound kinda slutty.
Boyfriend:  She’s slutty with me, which is good.  She isn’t whory, though.  On second thought, she might put out in exchange to keep the demons that live outside of her apartment away.  They are pretty scary.
Wait, what? Boyfriend, you said it was just the wind making those noises and there was no such thing as demons! You told me not to be scared!!!!

Blog:  One follower of the blog wanted to know if the gchat re-enactments are real.
Boyfriend:  100%.  There may be some editing to take out even more offensive stuff, but they’re all basically what we wrote.  The roof, New Orleans, new girl all real.  Some of the others might make an appearance.  Might also be put in Guantanamo for some of it.
ARE THE DEMONS REAL OR NOT!??! …I think I need some holy water.

Blog:  Speaking of New Orleans, did you know that there were zombie sluts?

Boyfriend:  I had no idea that there were such things before Gia came up with it.  What really surprised me was that other women who follow the blog also worry about them!  WTF!  The closest I got to a zombie slut was that horrible experience watching Sucker Punch.  And that was in another state..  So much blood.
There was no blood.

Blog:  You’re not REALLY an atheist, right?
Boyfriend:  The last time that came up it was suggested by a Follower that I be hung up and beaten with a stick like a piñata, so I’m not really going to comment.  Can I just leave it that I don’t have much respect for/belief in organized so-called western religions, but that I’m more like a stripper.  I’m not religious, I am very spiritual.   I am deeply moral without the threat of hell.  I won’t invade your country, rape your children, kill innocents, hate your sexuality or color all in the name of an imaginary sky master, who apparently loves you deeply.  Shit.  Went too far again, huh?
....a sexy stripper. (Yes, Boyfriend knows that not ALL religions or religious people do that.  Please don't hate me, reader. I'm sure he's not referring to you.)

Blog:  They hated you before.  Now they rilly, rilly, rilly, hate you. 
Boyfriend: What if I buy them all pearls?

Blog: That would be a start.


  1. You have the distinction of rendering me speechless - an incredibly rare feat indeed.

  2. awh he is great, hold onto him..put him in the basement and never let him out again!

    also religion is a sort of concept I am not very familiar with...must be because we weren't allowed to be religious back in good ol east germany (i never go back...dun make me)

  3. "She likes me a lot for whatever reason, so that is also very nice." Awww, just awww.

  4. That was hilarious. "Note to married people: see each other less". That had me rolling. Well done. And yeah, I've never heard "10 and 2" for a calming mechanism either.
    So good. I think Boyfriend needs his own blog. Not to compete or anything, but because he's freaking funny.

    1. I'm trying to get him to do more guest posts for this, but we'll see. He's a very busy man (I take up a lot of him time).

  5. I think Boyfriend and Chuckweasel may be separated at birth (CW is also old as fuck). Now, did someone say pearls?

  6. I don't hate him! I'm an atheist so I get what he means. Anyhoots... you two are hilarious. And wtf did you do to him during Sucker Punch!!?!?!? :)

  7. I love you and Boyfriend together. So cute. I especially love his opinions on Western religions. I would like to *fist pound* with him on that one for sure. Also, I have a thing for old dudes too, by husband is old.

  8. Oh wow... that was just great. Thanks for sharing the bit about bf writing the whole thing. I thought you had put the questions together. Great stuff!

  9. This was hilarious! And now I'm curious about the sucker punch incident. lol

  10. Thsi whole post nearly made me die laughing!!!! x

  11. Aww, this wasn't so bad. It's actually cute. And I'd probably strangle someone for making me watch suckerpunch too. It sucked. Badly.

    Great guest post, G. You da...woman?

    1. Hmmmm, "sucked badly", there's a theme there......

    2. Oh man, I'm thinking now that teeth were involved, no? Ouch indeed.

  12. Yay! This was totally a kick ass interview. And I am SO with you on the four letter word thing. Back when I was super insecure if someone didn't say it by like the fourth month I'd get all antsy. Now I don't care if they ever do, as long as we get along and things are cozy for the most part. Also totally in on the two days a week thing. That's how often I see my boyfriend. We talk every day via text or email, but I like getting to miss him. And I don't care if it's selfish, I need my alone time.

  13. This post may be one of my most favorite posts ever! Each Q & A made me laugh harder as I went along. Gia, I think you have yourself a catch!!

  14. ooooooh, Boyfriend, I don't hate you for your comments on religion, but I will if it gets me pearls! Gimme gimme gimme gimme!

  15. This was cute. Boyfriend I feel bad for your Sucker Punch experience. The movie was terrible too.

    G- Demons are afraid of cats. Stock up.

  16. I like your boyfriend (not in the sense that I want to steal him away and make him say four letter words to me...) He's quite funny. I definitely need to go through and read some of your other posts.

    Newest follower, for sure!

    1. Hahah, okay good. You're totes allowed to like him like that.

  17. I'm actually partial to diamond necklaces, thanks. Damn atheist! :)

  18. Thank you for letting me know that my BF and I are not the only ppl who act this way! This way awsome to read (both parts).

    And just for the record: Zombie sluts are nothing to mess with. That some scarry stuff! Of course so are deamons, but we will try to let that one die off...

  19. I like your boyfriend! I won't say lime, that's kind of serious, but based on this interview, I like him... And his take on religion is very spot-on. You can be moral without making sacrifices to your sky-babysitter.

    1. I don't want to say I would "cut a bitch" if they said they limed Boyfriend, buuuuut there would be consequences. :P

    2. does boyfriend blog? he should have a blog about all your antics from his point of view. i'd read it.

  20. The missus has a nice string of pearls and I have no intrest in any for myself...well maybe one for a pinky ring.

    How about a box of Dilly Bars?

  21. Time apart is the magic solution! Our biggest fights always come after we've been cooped up together for more than a couple days.

  22. Sounds like boyfriend is trying to avoid something here. I wonder what that could be. :)

  23. Wait. Am I one of the bloggers who needs help??? :p

    1. Nooooo *shifts uncomfortably* of course nottttt

  24. yes. its a sweet post really.
    Boyfriend is made for you :p

  25. NOO where is the redacted stuff! Lol..followed. This is such a cool concept I love it

  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

  27. Okay I put the wrong comment on the wrong part..that's why the delete. Anyways...This made me laugh out loud!! You both are so funny! And thank god (hehe) there was no blood.

  28. After calling Gia a slut, there are so many jokes I could make about pearl necklaces ... but I won't, I won't.

    Haha ;)

    - Ash

    1. Hahha yep, I went there when i first got the presents (

  29. Look at it this way: "lime" is MUCH better than "loogy."
    Because "I loogy you" just sounds icky.

  30. I really enjoyed all of this. My favourite thing is that you redacted the sex words so as not to offend, but left in "cunty" :D

  31. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!! Indeed. You two are so bizarre it's phenomenal.

    And really? Cunty? Is that word?

  32. I always love all your pictures.

    Boom goes the dynamite! That was just said on a Family Guy episode I watched.

  33. I want pink pearls, please.

    You two are just too fabulous!

  34. LOVE this post! Words and pictures--an adult storybook!

    Boyfriend sounds like a fun guy!

  35. Oh Gia...I lime you too, girl. Y'all are too much fun. Enjoy your liming and apparently your Tums too!

  36. Twice a week keeps you fresh. I got to crave that gold in gold. Me and happy work in same place too no wonder sometimes we can't stand each other. He gave up some high paying alternatives just to stay with me, but he considers this as a sentence for the bad choice made.

  37. Your relationship doesn't make strangers uncomfortable. It makes us envious! :)

    I read your blog almost every day and it always cracks me up. :D My favourite posts are those related to your relationship, of course. I hope by the time you're 85 (and Boyfriend 95, because as we all know he is old ;)) you'll still be posting your funny pictures and texts about old zombie sluts. :)