|This is Boyfriend.|
Hi all! So, Boyfriend finally agreed to do a guest post, and get interviewed by the blog. It’s a bit long (that’s that she said), so I’m breaking it up into two posts. Here’s Part I. It’s filthy. Seriously, like more filthy than usual, so consider yourself warned. My comments are in red – I just couldn’t resist chiming in.
Blog: Welcome Boyfriend, thanks for the interview.
Boyfriend: Okay, fine. Let’s get on with it.
Blog: Why so cranky?
Boyfriend: I’m old and I don’t have much time, so can we please move this along. I’m sure there are some kids to chase off my lawn or some ear hair to trim. So, chop, chop Bloggy.
He’s not that old. He’s being funny.
Blog: I can see why Gia likes you so much. You’re a peach! Anyhoo, let’s start at the beginning. Is Gia’s account of your courtship accurate?
Boyfriend: Yes, she
hunted pursued stalked courted me for what she claims was 7months through gchat and other forms of flirting. It was weird and creepy, but she let me say incredibly filthy things to her through gchat. I thought she liked it. Turns out not so much. Our first date consisted of dinner, massive sexual tension and then hotel sex. How romantic and sweet! She’s very old school. Old school with pedophile priests that is.
Okay, to clarify: I totally liked the dirty stuff. It was when he was being mean to me to try to drive me away (ha!) that I could have done without sometimes. Not all the time, just a little.
Also, I’m Catholic. You already knew this.
Blog: Why would she do all of that? It sounds kinda sick.
Boyfriend: Uh, well she is pretty much an ambulatory mental patient, so when her OCD kicks in there isn’t much you can do to get away. She’s a boulder rolling down a steep hill. The voices drive her and at some point resistance is futile.
Blog: Wait, are you *trying* to get away?
Boyfriend: Well we don’t talk about the “d” word (dump) because I don’t like it when she does that hyperventilation thing and starts moaning like a wounded walrus [a-hem]. Anyway it’s a cross between the Stockholm Syndrome and fear that keeps me with her.
I will murder you.
Blog: Explain the fear.
Boyfriend: Well her most recent Google searches were “How to dispose of a body” and “How long does human flesh take to decompose” so that might be a hint.
I can totes explain that.
Blog: To be fair, you did search for “How to dump your girlfriend” on her computer, no? [oh, bloggy explained it!]
Boyfriend: Yeah, in retrospect that was a mistake. There was a good video though. I think a text message is the best way, fyi. But, since I don’t want the brake lines on my car cut or to drink poison in my whiskey, I’m staying put for now.
Good decision on your part, babe.
Blog: Going back a step, why do you think she likes you.
Boyfriend: Again, unresolved daddy issues and OCD. She claims I’m mean and sweet, which is a pretty solid description. I am pretty mean. She also has a straight up old guy fetish (Colin Firth makes her hot), loves [redacted] and free dinners, so I’m ideal. Oh and I give good presents.
Seriously? You’re sweet and you listen to me bitch and you’re funny and smart and hot and you put up with my craziness. And you’re good at fixing things and you cook me food and you cuddle with me. And a bunch of other things too but these come to mind right now.
Blog: Passing on that. How horrible do you two look together?
Boyfriend: It’s pretty disgusting. Despicable really. I’m 1,000 and she’s 12 or something, so yeah we make people uncomfortable in public. We also look like the number 10 if you look at us from behind.
Blog: I’m not touching that.
Boyfriend: I wouldn’t.
Actually, we’re adorable. See:
Blog: Has she told her parents about your unholy alliance yet?
Boyfriend: Are you insane! They still think she’s a virgin. If they knew the half of it, their heads would explode and then they’d make her go to a convent. She can’t even tell her friends about this blog! I’m about the same age as her mom [no, he’s younger], so how creepy would that be. She also has a freakishly religious sister who is nearly 30 and supposedly a virgin. Has a weird religious tattoo on her wrist. (Strangely hot) That crew would make the best reality show ever. Just the convos about white zin and ice would be priceless. Jersey Shore meets Rednecks on Vacation meets the 700 Club meets Drinking Made Easy. Winner!
YOU THINK MY SISTER’S TATTOO IS HOT?? You stay AWAY from her!!!!
Okay. I’m stopping the interview at this point, so I can go find out what *exactly * Boyfriend meant by my sister’s “strangely hot” tattoo. Stay tuned for the second half on Friday -- the really juicy stuff comes out then!
[UPDATE: Part II is here]