Wednesday, January 25, 2012

An Interview with a Boyfriend - Part I


This is Boyfriend.

Hi all! So, Boyfriend finally agreed to do a guest post, and get interviewed by the blog.  It’s a bit long (that’s that she said), so I’m breaking it up into two posts. Here’s Part I. It’s filthy. Seriously, like more filthy than usual, so consider yourself warned. My comments are in red – I just couldn’t resist chiming in.

Blog:  Welcome Boyfriend, thanks for the interview.
Boyfriend:  Okay, fine.  Let’s get on with it.

Blog: Why so cranky?
Boyfriend: I’m old and I don’t have much time, so can we please move this along.  I’m sure there are some kids to chase off my lawn or some ear hair to trim. So, chop, chop Bloggy.
He’s not that old. He’s being funny.

Blog: I can see why Gia likes you so much.  You’re a peach!  Anyhoo, let’s start at the beginning.  Is Gia’s account of your courtship accurate?
Boyfriend:  Yes, she hunted pursued stalked courted me for what she claims was 7months through gchat and other forms of flirting.  It was weird and creepy, but she let me say incredibly filthy things to her through gchat.  I thought she liked it.  Turns out not so much.   Our first date consisted of dinner, massive sexual tension and then hotel sex.  How romantic and sweet!  She’s very old school.  Old school with pedophile priests that is.
Okay, to clarify: I totally liked the dirty stuff. It was when he was being mean to me to try to drive me away (ha!) that I could have done without sometimes. Not all the time, just a little. 

Also, I’m Catholic. You already knew this.

Blog: Why would she do all of that? It sounds kinda sick.
Boyfriend:  Uh, well she is pretty much an ambulatory mental patient, so when her OCD kicks in there isn’t much you can do to get away.  She’s a boulder rolling down a steep hill. The voices drive her and at some point resistance is futile.  
Hahahhaha…what? Haa…

Blog: Wait, are you *trying* to get away?
Boyfriend: Well we don’t talk about the “d” word (dump) because I don’t like it when she does that hyperventilation thing and starts moaning like a wounded walrus [a-hem].  Anyway it’s a cross between the Stockholm Syndrome and fear that keeps me with her.
I will murder you.

Blog:  Explain the fear.
Boyfriend:  Well her most recent Google searches were “How to dispose of a body” and “How long does human flesh take to decompose” so that might be a hint.
I can totes explain that.

Blog: To be fair, you did search for “How to dump your girlfriend” on her computer, no? [oh, bloggy explained it!]
Boyfriend: Yeah, in retrospect that was a mistake.  There was a good video though.  I think a text message is the best way, fyi.  But, since I don’t want the brake lines on my car cut or to drink poison in my whiskey, I’m staying put for now.
Good decision on your part, babe.

Blog: Going back a step, why do you think she likes you.
Boyfriend: Again, unresolved daddy issues and OCD.  She claims I’m mean and sweet, which is a pretty solid description.  I am pretty mean.  She also has a straight up old guy fetish (Colin Firth makes her hot), loves [redacted] and free dinners, so I’m ideal.  Oh and I give good presents.
Seriously? You’re sweet and you listen to me bitch and you’re funny and smart and hot and you put up with my craziness. And you’re good at fixing things and you cook me food and you cuddle with me. And a bunch of other things too but these come to mind right now.

Blog: Passing on that.  How horrible do you two look together?
Boyfriend:  It’s pretty disgusting.  Despicable really.  I’m 1,000 and she’s 12 or something, so yeah we make people uncomfortable in public.  We also look like the number 10 if you look at us from behind.

Blog: I’m not touching that.
Boyfriend: I wouldn’t.  
Actually, we’re adorable. See: 


Blog: Has she told her parents about your unholy alliance yet?
Boyfriend:  Are you insane!  They still think she’s a virgin.  If they knew the half of it, their heads would explode and then they’d make her go to a convent.  She can’t even tell her friends about this blog!  I’m about the same age as her mom [no, he’s younger], so how creepy would that be.  She also has a freakishly religious sister who is nearly 30 and supposedly a virgin.  Has a weird religious tattoo on her wrist.  (Strangely hot)  That crew would make the best reality show ever.  Just the convos about white zin and ice would be priceless.  Jersey Shore meets Rednecks on Vacation meets the 700 Club meets Drinking Made Easy. Winner!
YOU THINK MY SISTER’S TATTOO IS HOT?? You stay AWAY from her!!!!


Okay. I’m stopping the interview at this point, so I can go find out what *exactly * Boyfriend meant by my sister’s “strangely hot” tattoo.  Stay tuned for the second half on Friday -- the really juicy stuff comes out then!




[UPDATE: Part II is here]

52 comments:

  1. I really hope Boyfriend survives the angry lioness......
    There is the unspoken rule that the sister of your girlfriend / wife / partner shall never ever be referred to as Hot or Attractive in any way!

    Run Boyfriend! Run!

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  2. bwahahaha brilliant stuff...OK how do you guys look like the number 10?

    Unless it is binary and you look like 2 people which would be right in this case...*rumbling on*...

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    Replies
    1. one of us resembles a stick, and the other has a more roundish bottom area. I'll let you figure out the rest.

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  3. I'm loving it! Can't wait for the rest... congrats to bf on his outstanding guest post ;-)

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  4. Hahaha! Is what I have to say about this post.

    Rapunzel x
    *Tales from the Tower*

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  5. I feel so sorry for boyfriend! Dude! Get out! Just get out now...while your balls are still attached!

    All kidding aside...great interview. Looking forward to part 2!

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  6. Youre going to kick his ass for the "strangely hot" comment, aren't you? Haha. Do it. Do it now!

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  7. lol. but i also find tattoo on wrists generally quite hot :p

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  8. Unresolved daddy issues made me laugh til tears came out of my eyes. Wow. I cannot wait for part 2, Gia. Bra-fucking-vo to this.

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  9. Yayyyy! Welcome and well done, Boyfriend. "Look like the number 10 from behind". That was great. Looking forward to more Boyfriend!

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  10. LOL. Has anyone ever mentioned what a cute blog couple you both make? If there was somewhere to vote or something, I'd do so right now.

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  11. You, my friend, are a nut. And I absolutely love it.

    Dear boyfriend, please define "strangely hot". Especially in reference to a "religious tattoo".

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  12. "Jersey Shore meets Rednecks on Vacation meets the 700 Club meets Drinking Made Easy" LMAO!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you. No, seriously. Thank you.

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  13. Moaning like a wounded walrus??? LMFAO Who thinks of that? To funny...

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  14. Thank you. Thank you for being so fucking hilarious and giving me a good chuckle every single day. YOU ARE A BAMF. Bad Ass Mother Fucker, just to clarify what BAMF means.

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  15. Haha. Love it! Can't wait for Part II.

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  16. Hilarious! Laughed all the way through.

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  17. He sounds hilarious! I'm super pumped for tomorrow. ps- way to give it up on the first date. :-D

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, thank you. Boyfriend appreciated it...

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  18. BF sounds like a keeper Gia! And if he keeps making noises about the D word, you can still keep him. Just arrange for the bathroom doorknob to break while he's in there! But then of course you wouldn't be able to be with him unless you let him out...okay so I didn't think that through. Looking forward to part 2 :)

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  19. Since he's all old and stuff, I wonder... does his senior discount apply for both of you at Denny's or just his meal?

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    Replies
    1. Just him but he pays for me so it's all good... ;)

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  20. Why is that red thing in front of you? Did you kill a drifter?

    I'm intrigued.

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    Replies
    1. ....its a blanket... :( womp womppppp

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  21. so your family STILL doesn't know? hahaha! Been there, married the old fart, got the t-shirt and then changed his diapers!

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    Replies
    1. Whoa! How did you do that? Add that little interaction thingie for each comment? Mine doesn't do that! (that's what she said)

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    2. haha blogger just updated automatically for me one day! its awesome.

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  22. The number 10?! hahahaha Boyfriend IS mean/sweet.

    I wish I knew what the real age difference is. Give us a hint. You are SO mysterious and dramatic about it. You do make it sound like he's 1000 and you're 12.

    22 and 50?

    25 and 45?

    Pablo Picasso fathered a child when he was 80. Things happen.

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    Replies
    1. you're in the right range, especially with the first guess. Close enough, really.

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  23. okay, is it too late to ask a question of Boyfriend? I would love to know what he thinks of you eating popcorn with a spoon. Also, why have you not drawn a picture of this?

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    Replies
    1. Hahahah he did not know about that little quirky habit of mine until this comment :P he thinks its ridiculous but I think it's a great idea. I really should blog about it.

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  24. Stockholm syndrome. No wonder why you were looking for "how to dump a body"

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  25. Haha, Colin Firth is pretty hot. Looking forward to reading part ii..!

    GM x

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  26. Haha!!!!!!!! Your boyfriend is funny!!! He's GOT to have a brother (for me)!!!

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    Replies
    1. Sorry lady, just an older sister. Womp wompppp

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  27. Totally love this. I would be looking up those things on google but my luck, something would happen and I would get blamed. He sounds mean and sweet but after learning more about you..you probsky need that!

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  28. I love that "Jersey shore meets Rednecks on Vacation..." Can I steal that to describe my family. Seriously, my husbands siblings plus he and I plus alcohol is totally Jersey Shore meets Rednecks on Vacation. It's crazy cool fun.

    Can't wait for Part 2

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  29. I hope the relationship doesn't end at the end of Part 2.

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    Replies
    1. Hahah don't worry, it doesn't. Boyfriend might have a few bite marks on him when all is said and done...

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  30. hahaha this is awesome and it reminds me of my relationship minus the hot sister lol.

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  31. I'm sending this link to your parents ASAP.

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  32. Stockholm Syndrome keeps you together? Oh my, that's...interesting.

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  33. Hilarious! You are both cray cray.

    Heidi
    www.girltomom.com

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  34. The drawings (Microsoft Paint, I assume?) are superb and poignant.

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