Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Sorry I ruined Christmas, everyone.


If you’ve been following my twitter at all or have read any of my Thanksgiving posts, you’ll know I come from a large obnoxious pushy white zinfandel drinking Italian family. So it should come as no surprise to learn that we make a big deal out of Christmas.
Pretty tree!

I am in charge of making Christmas Cookies – chocolate chip and sugar cookies, which I decorate with the help of my artistic friend. 

First, I fucked up the chocolate chip. I didn’t use enough flour because my mom likes them flat, but they completely fell apart when I put them in a cooling rack.  As in, big gloopy chunks of cookie fell through the lines of the rack onto the counter, and the edges collapsed on themselves. A little cookie implosion, if you will.  I wish I had taken a picture of the disaster, but I was too ashamed, so I threw out the first two dozen. I added more flour, which kind of saved the others, though they didn’t look so great:





 Meh.


Then it came down to the sugar cookies. I baked them excellently. BUT then my friend and I had to decorate them. We usually go all out and they look amazing. (Even though this blog is anonymous, I have to admit that she’s much better at decorating than I am.) But this year, for some reason, we were off. Our cookies used to look like this:
Imagine its a round sugar cookie



But this year it as more like this:

Like a drunk monkey did it.
So, I’m kind of ashamed. Here are some of the “better” ones:

Here’s a heart I made Boyfriend. He said it was “sweet” and “creepy” because it was big and drippy with blood and looks like a zombie heart.  (I know, he’s obsessed.)

And here’s the cookie version of “us” (I usually make much better people, but not this year). Boyfriend said he doesn’t have a heart, but besides that, it’s pretty accurate.
I'm the blonde girl in the red...blob.

Here’s a train:

Choo Chooo


And here’s a dreidel because Boyfriend is kind of Jewishy (Jewish-ish? You know what I mean)


Anyway, here are a bunch of plates together that make them look way more impressive than they actually are.
Don't look closely at them. Just glance. If you glance, they're pretty.


All in all, it was not my best showing. So, I’m so so sorry guys for ruining Christmas. 


Here's a kitty picture to make everything better! 

30 comments:

  1. I love iced Christmas Cookies so much I wouldn't care if they were as poisonous as they look :)...I would embarrass myself with them.

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  2. OOOOOHHH! Hello Pretty Kitty!
    You've made those cookies look 10 times better!

    Still, it's not about how they look, it's about how they taste right?

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  3. I'm just wondering one thing. What did they taste like? Because honestly, they can look like shit for all I care, if they're tasty, I'll eat them anyway.

    Cheese doodles never won an award for being attractive, but I am currently guffing down those suckers like my life depends on it.

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  4. So you're the one who ruined Christmas. I should've known. I can't believe you think putting up a cat picture at the end would be enough to make up for all you've done. This is an outrage!

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  5. I wondered why Santa was on suicide watch and they weren't rerunning A Christmas Story a thousand times. No I know, you finally did it. You finally succeeded in your war on Christmas!
    And I'm sure Woody Allen would refer to himself as "Jewishy".

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  6. From here, the sugar cookies look lovely!

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  7. No no no ... You didnt ruin Christmas ... You started a new family holiday tradition ... Ugly Christmas Cookies a la Gia.

    Next year you can do the same and encourage others to make their most tragic attempts at deserts too...there can be unsweetened puddings, cakes that don't rise, brownies the consistancy of bricks ... it will be DEElightful!

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  8. Stop putting scocietal pressure on your baked goods to conform to a media-driven standard of beauty. I bet those pictures are airbrushed anyway. sheesh.

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  9. I don't think they look bad at all. Then again, I can only draw stick people. Anyway, you get an A for effort - that is a lot of freaking cookies!

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  10. No problem. There is no such thing as a bad cookie. Well, except for that disastrous "Grampa's Toe Fungus Macaroon" campaign from Famous Amos.
    As far as the drunk monkey cookies....?
    Feed them to drunk monkeys and you're all set.

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  11. I glanced and the sugar cookies were mega awesome. And I'm totally going to start using the word "Jewishy."

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  12. The train is definitely my favorite!

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  13. I happen to think the cookies looked awesome! Thanks for stopping by :)

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  14. Kitty is adorable.

    Personally I think they look fine. I stick to things like PB blossoms, chocolate chip, thumbprints and snickerdoodles. Ones that don't require too much effort.

    Cookies are cookies. OM NOM NOM!!!

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  15. The cookies look edible enough to me, dear. Don't be so hard on yourself! Anybody who bad mouthed these delightful creations might just need a slap in the mouth.

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  16. I was wondering why my Christmas had been so ordinary. Now I know you're to blame!
    Thanks.

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  17. This post is way too cute!!

    LOL @ "like a drunk monkey did it".

    I made the most delicious red velvet cheesecake brownies. Round 2 didn't come out too hot, so I threw them out. I know all about baking shame. hahaha

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  18. Those cookies look lipsmacking. How did it taste? If at all it could make you feel better, the gingerbread house I got my ikeabroke and I couldn't decorate it any better and the caramel we tried to create to do paste work on gingerbread burnt my hubby's finger and my kid got angry for ruining Santa's gingerbread house and we offered him to eat the broken house and adterwhich he didn't care and we all had merry Christmas.

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  19. I wouldn't worry about how they look, they all come out the same in the end, right?

    I tried to make biscuits once. They were so sweet and sickly you were instantly thirsty after one bite.

    They were the Cranface Patented Diabetes Bites.

    Mmmmm!

    My point? I guarantee your cookies were spot on!

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  20. Haha that really sucks about the cookies.

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  21. At least you can make cookies. Haha!!

    And the cat picture... The Internet has been showing me a lot of cat pictures. Someone's trying to tell me something. Me? A cat lady without a cat? Nooo... :p

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  22. My take on sugar cookies is to eat the "ugly" ones first, because you know they are going to taste good, and really pretty ones are too pretty to eat. You cookies look very very good, and totally edible, and I hereby volunteer to take them off your hands.
    And the chocolate chip cookies looked totally fine to me.
    And the cat is very cute.
    Next year, you are cordially invited to come and "ruin" my Christmas with your cookies!

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  23. I think they all look pretty damn delicious! Job well done in my books. Hope you had a Merry Christmas and all the very best for the New Year. xx

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  24. A cookie is a cookie. And, frankly, they're all dear friends to me. I can't even get sugar cookies to take their cookie cutter shapes. I think I'm too often working with overly thick subject matter. Which, sadly, is probably a statement I could use to apply to more areas of my life than just cookie-making

    They look yummy to me. Send me a dozen please.

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  25. We made cookies this year and not only did I yell at the girl for fucking things up [mom of the year!], I also didn't realize until after she had baked the final batch of sugar cookies that we didn't actually have any frosting or the makings of frosting.

    I think it was something in the air.

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  26. The cookies don't look all that bad to me and as others have pointed out, I'll bet they tasted just fine.

    @Little Ms. Fun - I LOVE your "baking shame" comment! On my first attempt at pie crust using my Aunt Dolly's recipe I didn't realize the recipe was for TWO pies - you can imagine how thick my crust was! And if that wasn't bad enough, I didn't add enough sugar. Let's just say there were some interesting facial expressions when people took their first bite of my fresh blackberry pie! :D

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  27. Those cookies look way better than mine, but i didn't have to show mine off to anyone so I was able to just eat the evidence :)

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  28. Kitty pictures do make everything better! I'll bet the cookies tasted good- but a zombie heart might be creepy to eat!

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  29. Next time the cookies fall apart, just put the crumbles on ice cream and eat them while you make more cookies. Everyone's happy!

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  30. Top marks for the cookies! I think they deserve an A+ - simply because they are a little 'different'. And being 'different' is good.

    The end.

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