Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas Lioness Got Confused



Christmas Lioness’s Wish: Wait, what’s today? Did I miss Christmas? Damnit. I’m Jewish, you know. You should be happy I agreed to be a part of this at all, Gia. I mean, would it have killed you to put up a menorah on the blog or something? 

Me: Whoa whoa whoa Lioness, calm down. 

Lioness: And what about the Kwanzaanians??

Me: Really now? That's not a word and you know it.

Lioness: I’m just saying, it’s a little culturally insensitive. Your Boyfriend’s Jewish, for pete’s sake! 

Me: Oh come on, he’s not really Jewish. He converted to get married to his ex and he’s a hardcore atheist now.

Lioness: SHHHHH. Ex-nay on the theism-ay.

Me: Seriously?

Lioness: Yes. Other religions should be respected and represented fairly, but atheists should be shamed. It's not spoken of in polite conversation. Like shmashmortions.

Me: You mean abortions?

Lioness: I MEAN SHMASHMORTIONS, GIA!

Me: Whatever. You don't really think that everyone should be free to openly practice their beliefs BUT atheists, do you?

Lioness: Pretty much, yeah.

Well then. That was an enlightening conversation. Anyway, I do want to wish all everyone a (belated) Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Festivus, and/or Happy "Nothing."  And a Happy Whatever Else I Probably Forgot But Cut Me a Break I Grew Up in a Conservative Italian Catholic Household. Okay?

Wait, I know what everyone can celebrate! It's already December 26th - HAPPY NEW YEAR! I mean we all experience the new year, right? 

Lioness: Well, except for the Chinese...
 

Damnit.

22 comments:

  1. Aww... that's cute. So many 'festivals' in late Dec/early January... I think my favourite was 'Festivus' no thanks to the busy days I had :)

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  2. Whatever you're on Gia, keep taking it - it's definitely working. Happy New Year.

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  3. Yep. Nailed that one perfectly. I'm atheist, and it's like I've murdered 500 babies if I bring it up. The funniest part, is just because I'm not Christian- I'm one of the most "spiritual" people I know... Being that I look at every moment for what it's worth and find harmony with nature, etc... Holy fuck, I sound like a hippie on an acid trip.

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  4. Happy festivus - for the rest of us! I do believe that DOES mean the atheists! Ah fuck it, let's ALL air our grievances!

    p.s. I LOVE Seinfeld!!! Hope you survived the parents!

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  5. Haha, this made me laugh. Love it. That lioness is a bitch though Gia, I suggest you stop calling her immediately

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  6. Lioness may have a point but I'm too politically correct to acknowledge it. Wait. That was a lie. There's absolutely nothing correct about me. Atheists should be strung up by their toenails and used as a human pinata so that all the other religions could unite in one common purpose - which of course would be to violently beat the atheists with sticks until candy spilled out their noses.

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  7. Wait a minute! I didn't know that if you violently beat strung-up-by-their-toenails atheists with sticks, you can get candy! I'm in!

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  8. Fantastic article :) but when I rule the world all celebrations and religions will be outlawed and replaced with a holiday to celebrate my awesomness

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  9. hahah I'm beginning to worry about Boyfriend's safety a little with these comments. DON'T WORRY BOYFRIEND. I SHALL PROTECT YE!

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  10. happy new year Gia.
    hope you have another great one
    :)

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  11. Sounds like Christmas Lioness needs to be turned into a rug.

    Merry Christmas!

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  12. Happy Nothing. I like that.

    Hope you had a great holiday!

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  13. It's nice that Christmas lion is so culturally sensitive.

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  14. I love the name 'Kwanzaanian.' It sounds like a crazy person. Like, "Those damn Kwanzaanians are on our lawn again, eating our dandelions and barking at our animals. Go get the broom and chase them away, honey."

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  15. Festivus is the best freakin holiday ever. I wish I put more effort into it.

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  16. happy lazy and coocooned new year!

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  17. Happy everything :)

    A Beer for the Shower: That, sir (madam?) was funny right there.

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  18. Great Post! Love your blog and will follow it faithfully

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  19. Happy Whatever But I'm Eating Cake At This Very Moment!!!

    :)

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  20. LOL @ the Chinese new year. hahaha

    I'm so w/ you on the Italian household thing. It wasn't until high school that I realized that antipasto was Italian and not American. Italian families are so big that we're led to believe our customs are the way things are. Sigh...hahaha

    I can't wait to hear what you and the boy got each other :) :)

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  21. Having Chinese New Years means I get money from my Grandma, twice. :P

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  22. shmashmortions.... LMAO!!!! That word will always be funny.

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