For background, go here. Pretty much, Boyfriend went to a work conference in New Orleans and I obsessed over sluts and zombie sluts and voodoo.
So, how’d the trip go, you ask? Well, let’s walk through it, shall we?
Me: How’s your traveling going
Boyfriend: Just landed
Me: Reader comments are funny today
Many people think I’m not crazy and you do need a protective talisman
Also did you bring a gun?
Boyfriend: TwoAnd a snake
|I bet he looked like this|
Me: You keep that snake in your pants!
Boyfriend: No sluts yet
Me: Thank goodness. Sluts on a plane could be a very popular movie
So, Monday was relatively uneventful. It was all traveling…his conference didn’t start til Tuesday.
Tuesday Morning Texting
Boyfriend: Carbs and coffee. Disaster. I need an egg and a slut. [Boyfriend eats low carb or gets pissy.]
|They're both whores.|
Me: Whaaaat? No! You don’t like morning sex [TMI. Sorry readers]
Boyfriend: You know, for later. Drinks flow pretty good here
Me: Rawr!!! No sluts!
Boyfriend: If I eat more carbs I’m going to need something to make me feel better
Me: Stop eating carbs then!!!!
Boyfriend: That’s all there is! Oh well. Where the women at?
Me: It’s far too early for you to be whoring already!
Boyfriend: Just keeping my options open [Here is where Boyfriend exhausted his limit of texts regarding whoring for the day. It was 9:21 am]
A few minutes later
Boyfriend: “Sugar” just texted me that she’s here too! Don’t need a slut now! [This is a lie. “Sugar” is this girl Boyfriend had to work with ONCE and is totally pretty so I hate her out of principle and Boyfriend loves mentioning her.]
She’s a whore.
Boyfriend: Let’s hope
Boyfriend: Easy there
Me: growl. [NOT a happy lioness]
Boyfriend: Bored shitless already.
What time is it?
|Dunno where that blood came from...|
Lunch Time Texting:
Me: Is it fun yet
Just more carbs
Need 2 slits [His phone autocorrects, but this gets the point across, albeit in a slightly cruder way]
Me: No slits!
Me: How’s lunch?
This session is a colossal blow job…by a werewolf
Boyfriend: Eating alligator soon [He decided to eat at some fancy restaurants on the trip]
Me: Whaaat? Poor Allie [Don’t worry readers, I made sure she didn’t see this conversation]
Are you in restaurant now?
Boyfriend: Yes Allie is delish
Apparently I’m invisible to women in Louisiana too
Boyfriend: Duck you [Again, his phone autocorrects. I picture this:]
|Surprise! Christmas duck!|
Boyfriend: Louisiana women are super hot. Not fair
Me: Angryface. They’re all voodoo practicing slut wenches!
So then on Tuesday night, we facetimed a bit.
Me: How many people are at the conference?
Boyfriend: About 1600
Me: Sausages versus tacos?
Boyfriend: Umm…. About 20% taco
Me: That’s a lot.
Boyfriend: But there’s only like 20 bangable women here. Max. [I think this was supposed to be reassuring]
Me: WHY ARE YOU NOTICING THIS???
And then we had to cut our conversation short because he did that thing where he drops his ipad onto the bed or hits it a certain way and the sound stops working so I can hear him and he can't hear me. So then I have to pantomime like a drunk monkey. I think he does this on purpose.
|(Boyfriend chats with me on his ipad, see?)|
So….that was the start of the trip. I’d say something about the conference itself, but apparently it was mind-numbingly boring. Tomorrow you guys are gonna get another Christmas animal, and I’m going to post the second half of this trip Wednesday. Spoiler alert: We talk more about sluts. And golf.
[Update: Part II is here]
[Update: Part II is here]