Monday, December 19, 2011

Boyfriend’s Business Trip Part I

For background, go here. Pretty much, Boyfriend went to a work conference in New Orleans and I obsessed over sluts and zombie sluts and voodoo.

So, how’d the trip go, you ask? Well, let’s walk through it, shall we?

Monday Texting 
Me: How’s your traveling going 
Boyfriend: Just landed 
Me: Reader comments are funny today 
Many people think I’m not crazy and you do need a protective talisman 
Also did you bring a gun? 
Boyfriend: Two 
And a snake

I bet he looked like this
Me: You keep that snake in your pants! 
Boyfriend: No sluts yet 
Me: Thank goodness. Sluts on a plane could be a very popular movie 
Boyfriend: Seriously 

So, Monday was relatively uneventful. It was all traveling…his conference didn’t start til Tuesday.

Tuesday Morning Texting 
Boyfriend: Carbs and coffee. Disaster. I need an egg and a slut. [Boyfriend eats low carb or gets pissy.]

They're both whores.
Me: Whaaaat? No! You don’t like morning sex [TMI. Sorry readers] 
Boyfriend: You know, for later. Drinks flow pretty good here 
Me: Rawr!!! No sluts! 
Boyfriend: If I eat more carbs I’m going to need something to make me feel better 
Me: Stop eating carbs then!!!! 
Boyfriend: That’s all there is! Oh well. Where the women at? 
Me: It’s far too early for you to be whoring already! 
Boyfriend: Just keeping my options open [Here is where Boyfriend exhausted his limit of texts regarding whoring for the day. It was 9:21 am]

A few minutes later 
Boyfriend: “Sugar” just texted me that she’s here too! Don’t need a slut now! [This is a lie. “Sugar” is this girl Boyfriend had to work with ONCE and is totally pretty so I hate her out of principle and Boyfriend loves mentioning her.] 
Me: MENTIROSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
She’s a whore. 
Boyfriend: Let’s hope 
Boyfriend: Easy there 
Me: growl. [NOT a happy lioness] 
Boyfriend: Bored shitless already. 
What time is it? 
I’m confused.

Dunno where that blood came from...
Anyway, then Boyfriend realized that “Fucking Louisiana is on central time!” and the reason why the conference was running late was actually because he was running an hour early and he should probably consult a map next time he goes somewhere.

Lunch Time Texting: 
Me:  Is it fun yet 
Boyfriend: No 
Just more carbs 
Need 2 slits [His phone autocorrects, but this gets the point across, albeit in a slightly cruder way] 
Me: No slits! 
Boyfriend: Slits! 
Me: How’s lunch? 
Boyfriend: Carby 
This session is a colossal blow job…by a werewolf

Dinner Texting 
Boyfriend:  Eating alligator soon [He decided to eat at some fancy restaurants on the trip] 
Me: Whaaat? Poor Allie [Don’t worry readers, I made sure she didn’t see this conversation] 
Are you in restaurant now? 
Boyfriend: Yes Allie is delish 
Apparently I’m invisible to women in Louisiana too 
Me: Yaaaaay!!!!! 
Boyfriend: Duck you [Again, his phone autocorrects. I picture this:]

Surprise! Christmas duck!
Boyfriend: Louisiana women are super hot. Not fair 
Me: Angryface. They’re all voodoo practicing slut wenches! 

So then on Tuesday night, we facetimed a bit.

Me: How many people are at the conference?
Boyfriend: About 1600
Me: Sausages versus tacos?
Boyfriend: Umm…. About 20% taco
Me: That’s a lot.
Boyfriend: But there’s only like 20 bangable women here. Max. [I think this was supposed to be reassuring] 

And then we had to cut our conversation short because he did that thing where he drops his ipad  onto the bed or hits it a certain way and the sound stops working so I can hear him and he can't hear me. So then I have to pantomime like a drunk monkey. I think he does this on purpose.

(Boyfriend chats with me on his ipad, see?)
So….that was the start of the trip.  I’d say something about the conference itself, but apparently it was mind-numbingly boring. Tomorrow you guys are gonna get another Christmas animal, and I’m going to post the second half of this trip Wednesday. Spoiler alert: We talk more about sluts. And golf.

[Update: Part II is here]


  1. Auto-correct is the best. "Slits" made it way dirtier than it had to be. He was absolutely torturing you (like a torture maestro) and in a hilarious way. "Colossal werewolf blowjob" is my new favorite euphemism for a torturous work event.

  2. Hahahaha - yeah - I am adopting that saying too! Only - maybe not "blowjob" for me...and "colossal werewolf cunnilingus" just doesn't have the right ring to it...
    liking the blog Gia.

  3. hahaha. i'm already liking Boyfriend :p
    entertaining post !

  4. I love the banter between you two! Refreeshingly hilarious. I'm also glad there is someone else out there worried about zombie sluts.

  5. You're brilliant, Gia. Just bloody brilliant.
    yeah, that's all I've got. looking foward to part 2.

  6. What kind of foods have carbs?

    Whatever it is...I bet hooochies are low in carbs.

  7. Slits and ducks show up in a lot of my text messages too. Autocorrect is such a prude.

  8. Sluts on a Plane sounds like a legit porno if you ask me. It probably exists.

    Also I've had alligator, it tasted like pork, nothing special.

  9. I love Autocorrect. With mine (and Brandon's), instead of blocking out swear words, if you use them frequently, it puts them in place of what you original typed.

    For example, Brandon texted me a while back to tell me he picked up a pack of Fat Tire and was excited about it.

    But Autocorrect changed it to this:

    "It's gonna be a great night, I just picked up some Fat Tits!"

  10. I've had crocodile in Australia - like fishy chicken. It was deep fried in chunks - they called them croquettes on the menu. How we laughed.

  11. I spend a lot of time in Louisiana...and have eaten Gator 100 different ways. A lot of it, mainly the tail, taste like other white meat but, Gator Wings...the little arms done up like hot something different all together.

  12. You two are adorable!!! That's a lot of carbs. How much weight did your man gain?? lol

  13. If I were him, I'd be more worried about tangling with an alligator (even a dead one) than sluts out there. I hear them 'gators aren't easy to diguest...

  14. And by "diguest" I of course mean DIGEST

  15. i love this kind of banter between committed parties.

    good times, and it keeps the sluts at bay.

  16. Without autocorrect how boring would life be. Seriously. Cen't wait to hear about the second installlment.

  17. I can't wait until we get to the part when he gets home...and you beat his ass. I bet that part was hilarious!

  18. Okay, I nearly choked on my pizza tonight laughing at this one Gia. And by the way, "zombie sluts and voodoo" is what I worry about on a DAILY basis.

  19. I use autocorrect too. And my comments should speak for itself.
    Looks like you are using phone as nannycamera with your boyfriend.
    I would like to invent some sausage camera for all gals outthere to use on their boyfriend and monitor them constantly and whenever the camera focus the ceiling, every gal should send the hologram of herself with laser eyes to burn the guy to ashes.

  20. The word sluts is no longer in my vocabulary. I am replacing it with slits because it is much funnier and gets straight to the point! I love it!!

  21. I hate autocorrect. Even though the damnyouautocorrect is the funniest web site ever.

    Golf sluts! Ask him how he scored. Did he lose any balls? Was his graphite shaft up to the usage? Did he putter? How short were the fairways mowed? Were the tee boxes anything special? Did he get a birdie? Did he enjoy the dogleg, or wouldn't she let him? t won't even suggest you ask about the 19th hole, since you're already worried. I could go on. Others probably will.

  22. wow!!! superb illustrations so love it!!! were you the one who made it? its really so creative and so great... you two are so inspiring and so admirable... love you both!!! love love loveyour blog, following you now..

    join my christmas giveaway!!!


  23. hehehehe, slits.... must steal that.

  24. Wow. Epic autocorrects. Can't wait to hear more about the carbo zombie slits. And the ducks.

  25. Well, duck me! That's a hilarious blig pust you've written there, Goa! Auto correct is always a bug plain in the arch!

  26. This is hilarious. It sounds like your boyfriend is me, only I'm married and now I want to know what kind of crazy voodoo spells you pulled to turn me into your boyfriend and send you to Louisiana on central time when I had no knowledge of this ever occurring.

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