Monday, December 12, 2011

Boyfriend is in New Orleans and I'm Super Worried for Numerous Reasons

Hi everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend. How am I doing, you ask? Well:

Boyfriend is going to New Orleans today and staying until Thursday and I’m super worried for numerous reasons. In no particular order:

1. Sluts
Remember, he agreed to no sluts.  But still….they’re still around in all their slutty glory. I mean, he’s going to a work conference. Isn’t that code for whoring it up for a week? 
My greatest fear realized.

2. Sluts with diseases

Otherwise known as ZOMBIE SLUTS.

3. Planes
Boyfriend has to fly there. And back. This worries me. Uncomfortable honesty: I have a too active imagination sometimes and I started thinking about what it would be like if I found out Boyfriend’s plane went down and it made me cry a little okay let’s stop talking about this anyway tra la la I like wine see

Yeah. Too active imagination.
Stop it, voices in my head! I don't like being the mayor of *this* town!

4. Meth addicts
They look like zombies too, right?!?

5. Sluts
Again, it’s called THE BIG EASY.

6. Voodoo
It's a voodoo doll. Shut up

I told Boyfriend to get some kind of talisman to protect him from voodoo curses. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I’m worried about voodoo.
Boyfriend: Don’t be stupid. There’s no such thing.
Me: What if you piss off an old scary voodoo lady?!?
Boyfriend: How would I do that? I’m going to be in my room watching tv all week.
Boyfriend: I don’t believe in voodoo.
[Actually, if you’ve seen the Skeleton Key, you’ll know that it totally does matter. But there was no need to explain that to Boyfriend.]

So, unsurprisingly, Boyfriend has no protective talisman or tea or anything. If he comes back and starts experiencing weird pains where the little Boyfriend voodoo doll is getting poked then I’m totally whipping out the I Told You So picture. Or maybe this one if I feel bad. But yeah.

Four days of worry to go! It's gonna be a looong week.


  1. To help you feel less worried about Boyfriends trip, might I please direct your attention to your previous posts of How to Be the Best Boyfriend Ever Part 1 and Part 2.

    Surely someone who racks up that many points won't be doing anything bad in N'Orleans.

  2. I'm sure he's fine and not getting roofied by a voodoo herpes slut. There's no way he'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice missing his kidneys. And there's no possibility of him getting his wallet jacked, having his identity stolen and having to turn to male prostitution just to get enough money to fly home on a prop plane flown by a drunk while sitting next to roosters and lab monkeys with strange unidentified diseases.
    I'm not helping am I?

  3. I laughed until my head hurt.

    "brainnnnzzzzzzz...and money for meth."


  4. you're really funny, Gia.
    Boyfriend will be fine :p

    but now i'm worried about me as i'll be flying tomorrow.
    also for work, and also for a week.

    i hate flying :(

  5. Boyfriend will be fine! There will be no herpes contracted while he's fulfilling his work obligations. I believe in the power of boyfriend. Or something.

  6. Lol, I'm sure everything will be fine.

  7. Whores give out coupons now? Man, I have no chance of staying faithful when I become a famous writer. I'm a sucker for coupons. I feel bad NOT to use them. Guess I'd better invest in some high quality shackles!

    Also, I love that your pinot grigio bottle looks mysteriously like a bottle of ranch dressing. But hey, we all drown our sorrows with different things, right?

  8. Oh this is hilarious. And also? I feel you.

    My husband is frequently out of town for work. A lot of times it's to boring places, but a couple years back he was in Lake Havasu for two months, and as it happened it was during spring break. Can we say slutty drunk girls in bikinis? Oh yes, we can. But, you gotta have faith that you aren't dating a jerkwad :-)

    I don't think you have anything to worry about - no man would cheat on a woman that draws slutty zombie comics.

  9. Don't forget about the Temptress vampires!!

    (or alchol poisoning)

  10. I happen to enjoy the Skeleton Key. It was on yesterday so of course I watched it. "It doesn't work if you don't believe". Voodoo is a religion. You need to worry about Hoodoo. Just send him packing with red brick dust and all will be fine.

  11. he's going to be fine.. I promise. Take this time to enjoy the awesome things you don't get to do when bf is around. Watch numerous episodes of trash tv, eat an entire cheesecake, don't shave your legs all week.

    and maybe cast a spell to protect him.

  12. I'm freaked out that I'm not the only one who worries about sluts and fiery plane crashes. Maybe we have the same mental illness? Or, I mean, "strongly developed creative brain."

  13. He's back on Thursday and NO is a weekend city. Does that help?

  14. I love how you guys go between trying to freak me out further and being really assuring. You're all awesome.

  15. Chemgirl, you arent helping. She does that when I'm home! I'm hoping to try out a phrase I've never used before, "I really can't. I have a girlfriend."

  16. Wow. I feel your crazy pain lady. My husband is in South Africa. The country of shoot on site hijackings, rabies monkies, hot Afrikaaner sluts AND animals that eat your face. And he had to fly for 2 whole muthafucking days to get there.

    I held my breath for 2 whole muthafucking days waiting for him to notify a bitch that he'd made it safe.

    Anyway he hasn't had his face eaten off by a hippopotamus, been mugged for his nice man shoes or been bitten by a frothy mouth howler monkey. Nor have any hot Afrikaaner sluts tired to touch his scrotum.

    He'll be home on Saturday. He'll more than likely find me unconscious from holding my breath for 2 whole muthafucking days while he flys in a big tin can from the other side of the globe. I have said a quiet prayer to the my patron saint of Colonel Sanders to please get my man whore home safely. Please. Oh yeah, I am feeling your anxiety.

  17. You are extremely good at drawing sluts. The zombie slut was especially impressive. I'm sure your boyfriend has no interest in them whatsoever...and no interest in plane crashes either.

    He really should be more afraid of voodoo though.

  18. My husband is going to a bucks night soon and I too am worried about the sluts. May make my very own voodoo doll. P to the S - you are hilarious.

  19. You are too funny. And you're right, these comments are fantastic.

    In my twenties, I would have been sweating the sluts.
    Now? Meh. I've got my own voodoo for him to fear.

  20. If there are zombie sluts around I think all the other issues won't even matter.

    Let's hope he brought a shotgun.

  21. Wait till he's going through airport security. He could be groped by some deviant zombie TSA agent. And enjoy it, once it's happened. Or if he goes through the scanner, some TSA agent could get so turned on by the studlieness of it all that he gets raped right there in their private security room.

    You haven't even mentioned the ghost of Katrina coming back. Which would be a zombie hurricane, which has probably vacationed in Jamaica and picked up serious ninja zombie skills.

    Personally, I'd be worried about the sluts. You know us men. Out of sight, out of mind. By now he could have turned in his return ticket and become some short skirted zombie slut's slave. You do know that such creatures are like terminators, in that they can imitate the voice of those they enslave, right?

  22. Hey, he'll be fine. He's not doing business in Southend.

    That's where English zombie sluts reside.

    'Tug your pecker for a shilling, guv'nor?' Irresistible!

  23. Has a guy ever given you mixed signals?

    One minute he’s crazy about you and the next minute you have no clue if he ever wants to see you again?

    And it’s especially hard when there’s something special between you and you have no idea what went wrong.

    I assure you it’s nothing that you did.

    In fact, he may even care about you a great deal and still not be able to stop himself from acting this way.

    But why does this happen?

    There’s one BIG reason why men do this...

    And I discovered this eye opening video that will shed some light on this bizarre behaviour.

    Insert subject line here and link it to: <=========> Your ex won’t be able to resist?

    It all comes down to a missing “secret ingredient” that not one in a thousand women knows about...

    And it’s the biggest factor that determines whether a man just “likes” you...

    ...or if he sees you as “The One.”

    You see, this “secret ingredient” is so important to a man that no matter how attracted to you he is, or how strong your chemistry is...

    If it’s missing, he’ll never be able to truly give his heart to you...

    And he will always have an unshakeable urge to seek out a woman who has this one “secret ingredient.”

    Here’s what I’m talking about: <=========> The difference between “like” and “love” (most women miss this)

    On the other hand, when you know this powerful “secret ingredient”... won’t believe how effortless, passionate and bulletproof your relationship can be.

    Trust me, this is going to blow you away.

    Discover it here: ==> Men fall in love with women who have this “secret ingredient”

    Thanks again.