Monday, November 7, 2011

Dramatic Reenactments: Drugs

So, Boyfriend likes to freak me out at work sometimes. A few weeks ago, this happened via gchat:

Boyfriend: I think I'm having a heart attack. Not really kidding
Me: What
That’s not funny
Boyfriend: I'm not kidding really

So I immediately call him up and he says he feels faintish and is sweaty and thinks he’s dying. The conversation goes something like this:

Me: Ok, call 911.
Boyfriend: No, maybe I’m just hungry. I didn’t have any carbs today.
Me: So it’s a heart attack or you’re hungry?!? Who else is around at your office??
Boyfriend: No one really by my office. That’s why I wrote that to you. To let someone know.
Me: Is K around? Go tell him you’re not feeling well too. [Seriously, it was going to end badly if I was the only one who knew.  How could I know if he’s okay?? Call 911 if he doesn’t respond to my gchat quick enough??]
Boyfriend: maybe I just need to eat something…
Me: Go tell K.
Boyfriend: Ok, I’ll tell K and get food. Call you back in a few
Me: * too busy googling heart attack symptoms to answer *

I call him back in approximately 4 minutes, and Boyfriend says he’s feeling better and that I really didn’t need to keep calling him every 4 minutes because he had things to do.

We have this gchat convo:
Me: urgh
Boyfriend: maybe just a blood sugar drop
feeling okay now
Me: So not funny
Boyfriend: =======D~~ last one....xxxxxx
Me: RAWR  
So, you lost the privilege to joke about heart attacks from now on
Boyfriend: I wasn't joking
Me: I know
So you cant joke about it in the future
I will immediately call you and go into panic mode
"You can’t die right now. We have tentative plans to go to seaside town!"
Boyfriend: I'll do my best to stay alive through the weekend
Me: Thanks sweetie

So, Boyfriend and I were talking on the phone during work a few weeks later, and he got all hyper and goofy. He’s energetic and goofy sometimes, but this was to an extreme. And he said his heart was racing and he thought it was what he had at lunch. This gchat convo happened after we hung up:

Me: You crazy boo
Boyfriend: There was crack in that egg sandwich wrap
Me: Apparently
You're gonna crash bad later
Boyfriend: I am strangely hyped up right now
some weird shit in that sandwich I bought
not kidding
I might take a valium
Me: You buy it from someone on the corner?
Boyfriend: local deli
I let you know if I start tripping.
Me: Right
Boyfriend: LSD in the egg salad maaaaan! [side note: Boyfriend seriously thinks I should take LSD to cope with my fear of death. I think copious amounts of drugs won't change the fact that one day I'm going to die.]
Me: hahahha
I have an old drawing I did on the computer that’s a mushroom with an angry face
Say no to mushrooms!
Boyfriend: No!!! Mushrooms have very happy faces. And they give you a peace sign
Maybe I'll be on tv
a local man was hospitalized after eating an egg salad wrap at the quick stop in City
Me: lolll
"It was the best egg salad sandwich ever!!!"
Boyfriend: it was later found that the sandwich contained 300mg of ecstacy
The man was found fucking, well, everything
Me: HEY!
Boyfriend: He kept muttering "23...23....23" (my age at the time)
…before he jumped from local bridge
Me: That’s not funny.

The sun is giving the peace sign, fyi.
Boyfriend didn’t jump from the bridge, but he was weirder than usual the rest of the day. I’m not entirely convinced there was actually anything wrong with the egg wrap, but Boyfriend swears there was something in it.

So, I went home and modified my mushroom picture to this:

The angry egg maintains its innocence.


  1. This never happened! And why am I always twisted?! You're the one dating a dinosaur.

  2. A Boyfriend opposing point of view in the comments!?! Awesome.
    Maybe it's a brain aneurism (just to be evil and cause you to freak out even more. Have fun on Web MD!).

  3. Boyfriend, are you feeling alright?!?!!??! I tried to read about brain aneurysms but I got all woozy cuz that stuff grosses me out. Thanks for that, Pickleope

    Also, you're not always twisted boyfriend. When I poked you in the eye, you were victimized boyfriend...

  4. I'm pretty much victimized Boyfriend everyday. I'm using brain aneurysm defense in case I do something bad.

  5. Never underestimate a man's willingness to avoid making a trip to the doctor.

  6. You shouldn't have called him every four minutes??? He had things to do???

    Man I hate to side against you on this one...especially with a woman who's obviously trying to blind you but a heart attack trumps work phone ettiquite.

  7. Poor victimized boyfriend.... I feel your pain. I feel you pain! It will only get worse when you upgrade to poor, victimized, battered, future life partner...... But that's probably a little too serious for now though.

    I simply refuse to trust any deli's where I can't see them making the sandwich. Not because they will ply me with free drugs, but more because I found a cigarette butt in my sandwich once..... Not very fun at all!