Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Allie’s Love Triangle: Of Ducks and Geese

So, Allie had quite the weekend with Boyfriend and me at Seaside Town.  She wasted no time in starting to party, and investigating her surroundings: mainly, a plastic duck and wooden goose. And things got FREAKY from there.  Sure, I don’t know exactly what they were thinking, but I’m going to pretend I do. In fact, I’ve written a short play about it.  Presenting:  
Cold Blooded Love
A Play in One Act

[Warning: this play is filled with images of sweet, sweet gator love. Done in an explicit yet beautiful way. A plastic duck and wooden goose are involved. Okay, maybe they don’t have genitalia, but you can use your imagination. Also, there are adult themes.]

Allie, the alligator
Goose, the goose
Ducky, the duck
Gia,  Allie's owner

Setting: House in Seaside Town
Allie: Seaside town? HELLLZ YEAH! Time to get my party on!
/end scene

Scene I: It Begins
[Allie spots wooden goose and leaps on it.]

Goose: Oh my!
Allie: Why, hello there, you sexy goose.
Goose:  Do I…do I know you?
Allie: You’re about to. Shake those tailfeathers baby! [looks up] Hey…who is that?
Goose: That’s ducky. He’s real friendly.
Ducky: Heeeeeyy sexy lady! Wazzzzzzaaap?
Allie: ….seriously?
Ducky: You from around here?
Allie: Nope. Just visiting for the weekend. Getting to know Goose right now.
Ducky: God that’s hot.
Allie: Good, because voyeurism is my second favorite fetish (next to autoerotic asphyxiation).  Watch this:
Bam! Bam! Bam!


[Allie stops, looks at Ducky. Ducky looks back]

Allie: Ducky, I’m…I’m so drawn to you.
Ducky: I’ve never felt like this before.
Allie: I must…have…you….. 
/end scene

Scene II: The Betrayal

[Cue music: Can you feel the looove tonight?]

Goose: What the fuck? You’re a whore, Allie.
Goose: [whispering] whore
Allie: Ducky, come here…just come a little closer. Aha!

Gia: Allie!! What are you doing!
Allie: Ducky likes autoerotic asphyxiation too?
Gia: Allie….
Allie: What?
Gia: Drop iiiiit..
Allie: No.
Gia: Drop it!
Allie: RAWR!
Gia: Drop ducky and I’ll give you a cookie.
Allie: [drops ducky] Gia, you bitch. You know I can’t turn down cookies. Especially not after the aforementioned weed.
Gia: We’re gonna talk about your language later, Allie.
/end scene

Scene III: The Confrontation
Ducky: [laughs nervously while rubbing neck]  uhh, that was fun, Allie.
Allie: I’m pure danger, wrapped in sexy.
Ducky: God that’s hot.
Goose: Hey, fuck BOTH of you. Ducky, Allie’s just here for the weekend. I thought you and I had something special. How could you let a reptile come between us birds?
Allie: Whoa whoa whoa, why’d you have to go there, goose?
Goose: I’m just saying…
Allie: It’s 2011, Goose. I thought we moved past this kind of discrimination.
Goose: Hey, one of my best friends is a reptile. I’m cool, I’m cool.
Allie: Whatever.
/end scene
Scene IV: Reunited, and It Feels So Good
Ducky: Goose, you said you wanted an open relationship too.
Goose: I, I do. It’s just that…. I was feeling rather ignored.  [sniffles]
Ducky: Oh Goose, how could I ever ignore you? You’re a whole lotta bird to love. Allie’s just a new sexy gator. You have my heart.
Goose: Oh Ducky! I love you too!
/end scene

Scene V: Breaking Point
Allie: [sobbing] I can see I’m not wanted here. [climbs on table] No one loves me, I might as well be dead. I’m just going to do it. I’m going to bite the bullet and do it…

Gia: ALLIE! What are you doing with Boyfriend’s ammo??
Allie: [hysterically crying] I’m going to kill myself, see? I’M BITING THE BULLET.
Gia: Um, you know you’re not going to die by literally biting a bullet, right?
Allie: [sniffling, trying to regain composure.] Um, I did not.
Gia: it’s just a phrase.
Allie: [muttering] A stupid phrase.
Gia: Not stupid!
Allie: What does it mean, then?
Gia: Well, it’s an old phrase from back when… See, back in the day, people…bullets are complicated things- you know what, it doesn’t matter, Allie. It just is.
Allie: Whatever, brainiac. Where does Boyfriend keep his gun?
Gia: Boyfriend’s REGISTERED gun is in the bedroom. In a special case I’m sure you won’t be able to open without thumbs.
Allie: Why is it there?
Gia: To protect me from the demons! I mean, intruders. ….and demons.
Allie: …
Gia: Shut up.
Allie: ….
Gia:  Wow you’re really judgmental for someone who was about to kill herself. Um, why were you trying to kill yourself, anyway?
Allie: See, I met Goose…and Ducky… and they liked me but then they rejected me andnowi’mallALLOOONNNEEE. [starts sobbing again]
Goose: Allie! [pauses dramatically] No. You’re not.
/end scene

Scene VI: Climax (pun intended)
Allie: What did you say, Goose?
Goose: You’re not alone, Allie.
Ducky: We like you Allie. Sure, you’re a bit fumbly but you’re super enthusiastic and you try real hard.
Goose: My jealousy is an issue stemming from my childhood. I grew up with a swan. Fucker got allll the attention.
Ducky: God, childhood issues are hot. Damnit, I don’t want to have to choose between you two!
Allie: Hey guys, no need to choose! There’s plenty of gator to go around! In fact, I have an idea…
[Allie whispers something to Goose and Ducky]
Goose: Hell yeah!
Ducky: Did someone turn on the heat because IT IS GETTING HOT IN HERE.
Gia: Actually, Boyfriend and I just got the heat working...
Allie: [hissing to Gia] Stop s-MOTHERING me, woman! I’m about to get lucky!
Gia: Gross.  [walks away]
Allie: Now where were we??
[sexy threesome party ensues]


You're welcome. And/or, I'm sorry. 

On another note, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! Here, I drew this for you:

Tom the Turkey says, "Try not to think of me when you're eating my slaughtered friends! Gobble gobble!"



  1. I think I know what happened to the joint.
    If Allie is a girl, how is she taking Goose from behind? Y'know what, no, nevermind. Doesn't matter.
    "Childhood issues are hot." That was funny. Truly inspired.

  2. I photoshopped out the strap on. Thought it might be a bit much for you guys to see.

  3. You have got to get control or yer gator.

  4. Oh wow, you really are insane! I see you're using that to your advantage here though!!

    Your blog is AWESOME!!

    I saw your witty comment on Pickleope's blog so I was curious enough to come take a peek at yours.

    WOW. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for what I was going to find here.

    Biting the Bullet!!

    (That was a good one!)

  5. I swear, this post was exponentially weirder than most of my others. I was in a very odd place writing it. Hence the tags on it...

  6. Haha that was surprisingly raunchy for inanimate objects.

  7. It's like a Carry On film for the 21st century.

    FYI I caught up on a few blogs in one, so this comment specifically focusses on your glasses trauma - I HAVE THE SAME THING! I got cheapo specs about 5 years ago, and have yet to get a new pair. I know for a fact my glasses are no good now. And when I'm cycling, and it's dark, and the rain gets onto my glasses along with all the scratches... you just put your head down and pedal.

  8. Cranface, that sounds terrifying. I'd probably crash into some bushes.

  9. this is weird, but i like it and i dont know why

  10. After reading this, I have no doubt that you are neurotic.

    We're probably soul mates.

  11. so is this where the gator in your pic comes from?

  12. j littlejohn, yep. An into to allie is here: and an allie update is here:

  13. Just reading this reminds me of the bizarre sexual organs of ducks. Everything for both genders is just so messed up.

  14. This play is probably still better and makes more sense than most new Hollywood movies. And it has a good message--a strong female who's not afraid to use sex to her advantage. Or something like that.

  15. That interspecies threesome at the end really put me over the edge.

  16. Me and my girlfriend were just laughing so hard. I love this, so funny!

  17. I think Allie is a whore. also have an alligator on your blog and on twitter. I hope I didn't just call you a whore. Just forget I said anything.

  18. Did I see a pack of cigarettes? Hope not but I think I did, next to your lighter.