So, Allie had quite the weekend with Boyfriend and me at Seaside Town. She wasted no time in starting to party, and investigating her surroundings: mainly, a plastic duck and wooden goose. And things got FREAKY from there. Sure, I don’t know exactly what they were thinking, but I’m going to pretend I do. In fact, I’ve written a short play about it. Presenting:
Cold Blooded Love
A Play in One Act
[Warning: this play is filled with images of sweet, sweet gator love. Done in an explicit yet beautiful way. A plastic duck and wooden goose are involved. Okay, maybe they don’t have genitalia, but you can use your imagination. Also, there are adult themes.]
Allie, the alligator
Goose, the goose
Ducky, the duck
Gia, Allie's owner
Setting: House in Seaside Town
Allie: Seaside town? HELLLZ YEAH! Time to get my party on!
Scene I: It Begins
[Allie spots wooden goose and leaps on it.]
Goose: Oh my!
Allie: Why, hello there, you sexy goose.
Goose: Do I…do I know you?
Allie: You’re about to. Shake those tailfeathers baby! [looks up] Hey…who is that?
Goose: That’s ducky. He’s real friendly.
Ducky: Heeeeeyy sexy lady! Wazzzzzzaaap?
Ducky: You from around here?
Allie: Nope. Just visiting for the weekend. Getting to know Goose right now.
Ducky: God that’s hot.
Allie: Good, because voyeurism is my second favorite fetish (next to autoerotic asphyxiation). Watch this:
Allie: YEAHHHHH I'M A WILD GATOR!!
[Allie stops, looks at Ducky. Ducky looks back]
Allie: Ducky, I’m…I’m so drawn to you.
Ducky: I’ve never felt like this before.
Allie: I must…have…you…..
Scene II: The Betrayal
[Cue music: Can you feel the looove tonight?]
Goose: What the fuck? You’re a whore, Allie.
Allie: I’M NOT A WHORE I JUST HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM SO BACK THE HELL OFF, OKAY??
Goose: [whispering] whore
Allie: Ducky, come here…just come a little closer. Aha!
Gia: Allie!! What are you doing!
Allie: Ducky likes autoerotic asphyxiation too?
Gia: Drop iiiiit..
Gia: Drop it!
Gia: Drop ducky and I’ll give you a cookie.
Allie: [drops ducky] Gia, you bitch. You know I can’t turn down cookies. Especially not after the aforementioned weed.
Gia: We’re gonna talk about your language later, Allie.
Scene III: The Confrontation
Ducky: [laughs nervously while rubbing neck] uhh, that was fun, Allie.
Allie: I’m pure danger, wrapped in sexy.
Ducky: God that’s hot.
Goose: Hey, fuck BOTH of you. Ducky, Allie’s just here for the weekend. I thought you and I had something special. How could you let a reptile come between us birds?
Allie: Whoa whoa whoa, why’d you have to go there, goose?
Goose: I’m just saying…
Allie: It’s 2011, Goose. I thought we moved past this kind of discrimination.
Goose: Hey, one of my best friends is a reptile. I’m cool, I’m cool.
Scene IV: Reunited, and It Feels So Good
Ducky: Goose, you said you wanted an open relationship too.
Goose: I, I do. It’s just that…. I was feeling rather ignored. [sniffles]
Ducky: Oh Goose, how could I ever ignore you? You’re a whole lotta bird to love. Allie’s just a new sexy gator. You have my heart.
Goose: Oh Ducky! I love you too!
Scene V: Breaking Point
Allie: [sobbing] I can see I’m not wanted here. [climbs on table] No one loves me, I might as well be dead. I’m just going to do it. I’m going to bite the bullet and do it…
Gia: ALLIE! What are you doing with Boyfriend’s ammo??
Allie: [hysterically crying] I’m going to kill myself, see? I’M BITING THE BULLET.
Gia: Um, you know you’re not going to die by literally biting a bullet, right?
Allie: [sniffling, trying to regain composure.] Um, I did not.
Gia: it’s just a phrase.
Allie: [muttering] A stupid phrase.
Gia: Not stupid!
Allie: What does it mean, then?
Gia: Well, it’s an old phrase from back when… See, back in the day, people…bullets are complicated things- you know what, it doesn’t matter, Allie. It just is.
Allie: Whatever, brainiac. Where does Boyfriend keep his gun?
Gia: Boyfriend’s REGISTERED gun is in the bedroom. In a special case I’m sure you won’t be able to open without thumbs.
Allie: Why is it there?
Gia: To protect me from the demons! I mean, intruders. ….and demons.
Gia: Shut up.
Gia: Wow you’re really judgmental for someone who was about to kill herself. Um, why were you trying to kill yourself, anyway?
Allie: See, I met Goose…and Ducky… and they liked me but then they rejected me andnowi’mallALLOOONNNEEE. [starts sobbing again]
Goose: Allie! [pauses dramatically] No. You’re not.
Scene VI: Climax (pun intended)
Allie: What did you say, Goose?
Goose: You’re not alone, Allie.
Ducky: We like you Allie. Sure, you’re a bit fumbly but you’re super enthusiastic and you try real hard.
Goose: My jealousy is an issue stemming from my childhood. I grew up with a swan. Fucker got allll the attention.
Ducky: God, childhood issues are hot. Damnit, I don’t want to have to choose between you two!
Allie: Hey guys, no need to choose! There’s plenty of gator to go around! In fact, I have an idea…
[Allie whispers something to Goose and Ducky]
Goose: Hell yeah!
Ducky: Did someone turn on the heat because IT IS GETTING HOT IN HERE.
Gia: Actually, Boyfriend and I just got the heat working...
Allie: [hissing to Gia] Stop s-MOTHERING me, woman! I’m about to get lucky!
Gia: Gross. [walks away]
Allie: Now where were we??
[sexy threesome party ensues]
You're welcome. And/or, I'm sorry.
On another note, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! Here, I drew this for you:
|Tom the Turkey says, "Try not to think of me when you're eating my slaughtered friends! Gobble gobble!"|